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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be feeling a bit jealous

42 replies

yipeeforthesun · 21/04/2009 12:32

My dh is great and a very hands on dad with our DD, I'm expecting out next baby in the summer and we are really excited about that. We have a nice home but which is going to be too small when we have the next one so we have are going to sell this it and buy another. It just seems that my friends are all doing this same as a few are expecting there next babies too but it all seems so damn easy for them. They are trading up and buying big houses and it all seems so perfect. They know, and can afford the area they want to move to and all they have to do is find a house they like. Where as we can't afford to put any more money into a house so will have to only spend what we get for this one, therefore have to move to a new area not because it's all lovely and that's where we want to be but because that will be all we can afford. I'm worried about moving to a new area where I won't know anyone whilst having a new born and a very lively toddler. So all in all I am just feeling very jealous of my friends who all seem to be having a great time buying big houses near there other friends and getting excited about how perfect it all will be. Just can't face another phone call where one of them tells me how great it will be to be living near so and so and how amazing the new house is etc etc etc....

OP posts:
anniemac · 21/04/2009 15:36

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sarah293 · 21/04/2009 16:21

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MitchyInge · 21/04/2009 16:26

I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's, however nice the outside appearance.

sobanoodle · 21/04/2009 16:27

yanbu to feel secret tinges of jealousy but your friends might secretly be dreading taking on larger mortgages in these difficult times. You on the other hand won't from the sound of it be taking on much if any more debt in order to get a larger property. swings and roundabouts.

TheOldestCat · 21/04/2009 16:29

yipeeforthsun - I think acknowledging jealousy is actually quite healthy, it's just how you deal with it that matters. It's so much better to not compare yourself with others, even when you feel rotten.

I was the same a couple of years back- stuck in a tiny one-bed flat with no garden while everyone else in my antenatal class had huge houses, having to go back to work when none of them did etc I even started getting jealous when they all started having baby number two because we can't do that where we live. Ridiculous. But then I realised I should just be grateful for what I have and enjoy my good fortune. Easier said than done, but you will get some perspective. Don't beat yourself up too much, but concentrate on the positives.

izyboy · 21/04/2009 16:35

I think it is OK too Oldest cat. Only try not to let these jealous twinges spoil the good things. People love to point out how much worse off than you they/others are. This in not really helpful. However try to focus on how you can maximise the space available in your current house. Loft room perhaps? This might be better than moving at the mo.

Juxal · 21/04/2009 16:48

9 years ago dh, I and a newborn were living in 1 bed flat, no garden just a stretch of broken concrete. We were in an expensive area and knew we would never be able to afford something bigger there.

We looked literally all over the world via the internet. There were some amazing places we could have got for less than the price of our flat.

In the end, we moved here (I still yearn for somewhere exotic, but Devon will do!) where we have a huge house with self-contained granny flat (mum now lives with us) and we simply don't look back.

We moved here because we could afford it. If we had known, we would have moved here because we wanted to.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 16:58

OP, are you and all your friends moving house??

At this rate, the totally stagnant housing market will have picked up to 2006 levels...

GenerationX · 21/04/2009 17:00

I have not read all the replies, but I get Jealous a lot when I look over the fence at other people. I always wonder how they can have it all and I struggle.

Then I saw a advert on TV and it shows a beautiful family in the big house, new cars, boat, swimming pool etc, and the dad is mowing the lawn on one of these big sit on mowers and he is saying ?I own a 5 bedroom house, a new BMW, I?m a member of the best country club, and I?M UP TO MY EARS IN DEBT?

My point is ? all is not as it always seems, and I try to remember to be happy with what I have and to KNOW that the grass is NOT always greener.

picmaestress · 21/04/2009 21:21

Yippee, I'm slightly surprised you haven't been given more of a roasting to be honest. You're probably a lovely person, but please have a bit of a think about what you've posted, I think YABU. Possibly because most of my friends live in bought houses with nice partners, while I have neither >wry grin

pinkmagic1 · 21/04/2009 21:31

Money can't buy you happiness. Not looking for sympathy but my husband lost his job in December and is struggling to find work. We are absolutely broke and our house is dropping to bits. We would also love to move or do our existing one up, but it is just out of the question at the minute. However we have each other and 2 beautiful children and I count my blessings everyday.

KittyBigglesworth · 21/04/2009 23:55

Like some of the others say, jealousy is a natural emotion that can be used positively to set goals and help you strive but don't let it dominate your life. Each day I try and think of all the good factors in my life and count my blessings. If you're healthy and your family are healthy that's everything, it really is. Not wishing this upon any of your friends but cancer, illness, an accident or bankruptcy could easily strike and transform their lives overnight.

I do agree with GenerationX, all this moving to get further up the property ladder is not all it's cracked up to be. Take the extreme example of Chris Foster. He killed his family and animals because he was in so much debt and yet to others looking at his life they thought he had it all in terms of material possessions. His assets were worth £3.1 million and yet he'd run up debts of £4.4 million. I don't know anything about your friends' financial situations but for all you know they might have very little equity in their houses and they all could be trying to compete with the others' lifestyles and have a immense credit card debts. What you see of their lives for a few hours might be very different from the stress they're under behind close doors!

Odd as it seems now, moving to a different area might be very propitious for you in the long run as you'll make other friends and acquaintances outside the bubble of your friendship circle that sounds a little bit competitive and exhausting (or am I just reading the context wrong at this time of night?)

Have you ever thought about helping out voluntarily for an hour or two a week in your area? It would help you get to know people in your area and you'll see for yourself that some people who are financially poor are also rich in other ways: talent, generosity, humour, cultural awareness etc and are happy just being ...still and remaining in the house they're in.

Look at the glass half full and all those others cliches about positivity! We don't know how lucky we are today in terms of financial comforts nor when it all might be taken away from us. Some of the happiest and most optimistic people I know have known great hardship and yet they're dearly loved and appreciated by those around them. Isn't that what's most important than racing up the property ladder?

Can I ask you a question, are you friends a bit WAGish? Is it all about emulating the footballer lifestyle? Does the whole conversation revolve around what has been bought and how much their house is worth? Or have am I misinterpreting the situation?

sarah293 · 22/04/2009 08:40

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piscesmoon · 22/04/2009 08:49

I think it is a natural feeling but I try not to get too caught up with material possessions. As long as you and your family have good health and are happy, that is all that matters. I think that if you knew the finances of all the friends you would be horrified at the level of debt. When we sold our house a few years ago the couple with small DCs were getting 100% mortgage and the repayments would have been beyond my comfort level. If I had been them I would have chosen a much smaller house-we are all different. I don't know where you live but the housing market is pretty stagnant around our way-I am surprised that they are all managing to move!

AliceMumma · 22/04/2009 09:31

YANBU. Your'e human!

biancambh · 22/04/2009 09:34

I think that jealousy is a bit of an unpredictable emotion- perfectly reasonable people can feel quite jealous about - to all around them - something quite unimportant though it matters hugely to you. I also agree with many of the posters here that in terms of perspective- making the most of what you have and appreciating it are also very important,especially when you hear of others predicaments.. however human nature can be to want/ wish for more, or wish for something else.
I think that when reading the replies to the original post I feel quite mixed about it all- I have an alterior motive as I too feel very strongly about another's predicament and when I really think about it I too am actually "jealous", and am mortified by my jealousy emotion!
In the grand scheme of things I should be very very grateful for all I have, I have a beautiful 4month old ds, and I have a fabulous hubby. I had to return to work as I am self employed and watch my sil stay at home for the last 2 yrs due to work related injuries and pregnancy and be able to look after her ds (now 15months old) whilst I am being deemed a "bad parent" for putting child into nursery- which I can tell you- wrenches me every day (though he seems to love it!). She complains about her ds being a tearaway and difficult to look after -(her injuries do not stop her lookng after him- she is able to be with him and spend time with him- on full pay- whilst I am out often from 7.30am til 7pm working and then missing my ds's bath/ bedtime routine/ smiles/etc...grrrr...
when i read that back- see I am brimming with jealousy- and it probably is really unreasonable...and yes- actually in the grand scheme of things- how ridiculous- I have a job, I have a beautiful child and hubby and health and home- but I also feel cross that she doesn't appreciate what she has- and also it does feel really good to have a bit of a rant.....see- jealousy what a range of emotions it can stir up!! But I have to admit- I feel jealous at times too.

biancambh · 22/04/2009 09:38

AliceMumma- Having just re-read my rant- it is v long and rambly- your comment sums it all up exceptionally succintly! [would quite like to be able to have a homer simpson 'doh' face smiley thingy]

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