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Original poster

To not tell DS he has a brother?

28 replies

kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 17:25

Ex left when 6.5 months pregnant, left for a new town, new girlfriend, changed all numbers.
Didn't bother getting in touch to find out DS had even been born. I let his parents know who with his brother did see DS, albeit the parents sporadically.
Ex was 'dragged along' by his parents to meet DS when he was 4months old. Showed no interest in DS commented on myself having put on weight and DS clothes being 'gay'

Never held DS spent time showing his brother and brother's mate pictures of girlfriend in her underwear (on phone)

Ex denied to CSA son was his and got away with out paying due to several house moves and being self employed as a bricklayer.

Last week EX rang. He has just had his driving license back after his 2nd drink driving ban. CSA have said he will lose it if he doesn't pay. Ex also said he has a regular job with an employer due to lack of bricklaying. He said he wants to see DS now 2 months- never an Xmas card or anything sent. He also said DS has a 9 month old brother by the new girlfriend. The new girlfriend is a very nasty piece of work ( I guess they are well suited) she drinks heavily, was insistent EX never saw DS- I know this is not an excuse for him but I find it so hard she could do that to my innocent new born.
So to summarise my son has a half brother born less than a year before his 1st birthday. A brother who has his dad's name on birth certificate, regular contact ( I suspect they are living together, he is using his parent' s address for correspondence for ALL companies, I know she doesn't work so am guessing she claims benefits) I think it would hurt DS that his father was at the birth of his brother but not him, also birth certificate paying his way and being in his brother's life and not his.
Sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode I know. I work part time to support DS and have only decent, respectable peopler in his life.
Exes family have never mentioned the other grandchild. They once stopped seeing my son for 3 months, even failing to ask after him or acknowledge his 1st birthday. I worked out these were the 1st three months of other grandchild's life.

Will DS be likely to hate me for this? I don't want him hurt. Although their child is of course an innocent baby I highly suspect he will not be brought up in a way I see fitting.

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 20/04/2009 17:28

Well your son won't know all this birth certficate, etc stuff unless you tell him.

What exactly is the age gap as it isn't clear from your post.

Not really your business how this other child is brought up. Just bring your up right and don't tell your son he has a brother until he needs to know.

Original poster
kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 17:30

11 months between the two. Just thinking of DS at school being asked if he has siblings etc..
I guess it is none of my business but just don't want DS associating with people who don't care about others etc.Although of course it's not the other son's fault but the girlfriend is really VILE.

OP posts:
Original poster
kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 17:32

Also his grandparents have had my DS around their house a few times lately. I am guessing there are pictures of their other grandchild there which of course is natural.

OP posts:
neolara · 20/04/2009 17:32

If I were you I wouldn't keep this secret from your DS. He will find out eventually and when he does he may resent you greatly for not telling him earlier. I'm sure you have his best interest at heart, but secrets like this can have long term implications.

MuffinBaker · 20/04/2009 17:34

How old is your son?

PinkTulips · 20/04/2009 17:35

he's too little to understand any of this for a long time and seeing as his dad has no contact with him he's not likely to meet this brother any time soon.

tell him when he's old enough to understand all of this, which is years away

Original poster
kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 17:39

DS is is 20 months old. His sibling is 9months old.(had a lot of upset) and then EX rang last week.
He did ask if he could have access to DS but didnt seem bothered when I refused. I have since text him to say I would reconsider if he proves himself and he hasnt bothered to respond.
Sorry my original post is confusing. I am feeling pretty angry and hurt-mainly on DS's behalf.

OP posts:
Higglepig · 20/04/2009 18:16

I'm with pinktulips - probably best to leave it for now and explain it to him when he's more likely to understand and you have a bit of distance from the situation yourself.

neolara · 20/04/2009 18:28

If you don't tell him now, when do you envisage being a good time to tell him? When he's 5, 10, 18, 24? The longer you don't tell him, the more difficult it will be when you eventually do.

An friend found out a family secret similar to your situation. Her mum had always thought she would tell my friend when she was old enough to understand. However, there never was a good moment and it stayed a secret until she was an adult. There relationship has been fundamentally rocked, and not in a good way.

duchesse · 20/04/2009 18:41

You should tell him I think, even if this tosser never turns up his life again. The two boys will at least have the knowledge of being united against their awful dad (assuming little brother doesn't go bad- he sounds as though he drew the short parental straw, poor lamb...). I would be sorely tempted to utterly expunge your ex from his life, and to find him some positive male role models instead (as you are doing). Seeing the negative effect my toxic ex brother out law has on his children on a sporadic basis really makes me wish he had just disappeared.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/04/2009 18:49

Tell him as soon as he is able to understand, my mother told me that Dad has another son when I was 33, a bit late.

liahgen · 20/04/2009 18:52

personally, I believe this kind of secret can tear families apart.

In my opinion, I think you should just bring up Ds knowing he has a brother, as simply a fact of his life, whether or not, they see each other, have contact, etc etc, can either happen or not. That way, you have not lied to anyone, and Ds can't throw it back in your face, (as teens do, belive me, however innocent they are as babies)when he finds out in later life.

Maybe if she's as bad as you make out, they won't keep their child, who knows. Also if your ds sees his grandparents, inevitably, he'll see pictures and ask questions.

Just keep it simple, and factual, then you'll always have done the right thing.

Just my opinion. Hope it works out well for you. x

mummyflood · 20/04/2009 18:56

Agree with FGMID, in a potentially similar situation myself. They can make their own decisions whether to have any contact with each other when they are old enough, but at least they will be aware of each other and have that choice. JMO.

mummyflood · 20/04/2009 18:57

x-post!

Portofino · 20/04/2009 19:09

Interesting! My dh had 2 grown up daughters, who he had not had contact with for many years. One sadly died. The other has at least one child of her own. I've asked dh what we are going to tell dd about her sisters. His opinion is that we don't tell her!

Well I've been doing my family history for ages and know full well that these things will out. Dd has a half sister, and least one niece. I don't think she should be kept in ignorance for ever, but when and how we are going to bring this escapes me! DH I think would love to be reunited with his eldest dd, but doesn't want to rock the boat.

lisianthus · 20/04/2009 19:26

My goodness, your ex is a jerk. I'd tell your DS, so he can grow up knowing about it without making a big deal out of it, as if he learns later, it may become a big deal. Also, if he sees your ex's DPs, he may find out from them anyway, and I'm sure you'd rather you told him rather than it becoming a big secret that his GPs tell him because you haven't.

Original poster
kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 19:29

Thanks
Oh its just so hard. Certainly not how I envisaged parenthood.
I am so concerned about how DS will be affected. Thinking he was inferior etc...
What do I tell DS? He is far too young to understand much now I know but I just think his little heart will be broken that he was so unwanted and yet 11 months later he is 'replaced.'
Have hardly slept since I found out.
Has anyone else had to tell a family member similar.
Any more opinions please?

OP posts:
audreyraines · 20/04/2009 20:06

hi, my dad was not the most respectable dad and he left when i was 3 (probably better off for us). he remarried a woman who i now see was probably not a fantastic person either, but don't want to judge too harshly. anyway, she already had a daughter my age and when we were teenagers we spent time together staying with my grandparents and actually had a great time. my dad had two more kids by his second wife, nothing was ever hidden from me, and i more or less got to make my own choice about contact or not. i appreciate i was a lot older. but i'm jjust thinking that it's useful to talk about these things from an early age and maybe that way it will be less of an issue later on. tricky situaiton though, i wish you the best.

liahgen · 20/04/2009 20:13

kissy,

Perhaps the 2nd child wasn't wanted either, and in years to come, these 2 boys will become firm friends and make the best out of a crap situation.

No good can come from withholding this kind of information from children, it always comes back to bite you on the bum. x

gigglinggoblin · 20/04/2009 20:17

dh has never met his dad, he has always known he has half siblings he has never met. His mum was always there for him and he has never felt the need to meet the other part of his biological family, he really doesnt care.

My friends sons dad was a useles git, he kept in touch with grandparents but has only seen his dad now and then. Again he has a great relationship with his mum and tho he isnt quite a teen yet she hasnt had any issues about his dad.

If you show ds he is wanted then he will know he is. Dont keep it a secret, trust is really important. you can do it on your own, believe in yourself

MollieO · 20/04/2009 20:19

Ds won't be told he has a half sister until he is of an age to decide whether he wants contact with his father.

Original poster
kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 20:24

Mollie how old is your DS please and his half sis? Does his father want contact?
Sorry for all the Qs x

OP posts:
Original poster
kissyfurschaos · 20/04/2009 20:26

Thanks Gigglinggoblin that is really helpful as I dont really know anyone who has been through anything similar x

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 20/04/2009 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tzatziki · 20/04/2009 21:10

Agree with StewieGriffinsMom. Make it something that is not a secret and that you can discuss as much or as little as your DS likes.
The thing that would really hurt your DS would be you, the person he trusts most of all, keeping secrets from him.

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