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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my husband to be awake and spend time with us...

22 replies

fuzzybunny · 20/04/2009 10:12

DH is currently taking 2 weeks paternity as we had our 1st DD 10 days ago, but he seems to think he is on holiday and is coming to bed late and therefore spending all morning in bed catching up on his precious sleep instead of getting up and spending the time with us.

I don't want him to run around and do everything for me, but I can't see why he thinks it's ok to take a pay cut (paternity pay is shit) for 2 weeks if he isn't doing anything paternal!

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 20/04/2009 10:30

This reply has been deleted

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solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 20/04/2009 10:35

Is he doing anything with the baby, or any domestic chores? If not, you need to kick his arse into touch now or he will happily relax into the Man of the House role and leave you doing everything indefinitely, and you will end up hating him.

SlartyBartFast · 20/04/2009 10:38

sounds familiar
i had to take dcs to school not very long after dd3 was born cos dh was sleeping
was embarrassed to admit it when another mother asked if he had gone back to work, so i carried on doing the school run to save face

SlartyBartFast · 20/04/2009 10:39

give your dh a stern talkign to op

DandyLioness · 20/04/2009 10:40

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Message withdrawn

MariaCC · 20/04/2009 10:42

YA absolutely NBU. Sounds like he's taking the piss. Words would be had in my house!!

You must be so tired, poor love... and you need his support! I can't imagine anything more frustrating than this - you've been through the trauma of childbirth; are coming to terms with the fact that you're not going to get much sleep for a while; and are no doubt feeling properly rubbish (because lets face it, we all do after giving birth) . Actually what you need is a holiday and to watch DH have exactly that is irritating in the extreme.

You have my total sympathy!

deanychip · 20/04/2009 10:43

No yanbu, but then you know that dont you.

If you were to tackle him about this, how would he react?
Do you think that he needs a gentle prod, to let him know that actually he is as responsble as you are for the care of his child, or do you think that he will need a more forceful talking to?

You have every right to flip your lid, and threaten to stab him to death.......because of your hormones..and because of plain and simple fairness really.

What do you think that you should do to open his eyes to the issues?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 20/04/2009 10:57

Ooh YANBU.

Who is doing the night feeds?

littlelozz · 20/04/2009 11:06

YANBU at all - I had this too when DD was born. Had an emergency section and the git was off for a month. Because it was school holidays he thought it was a great oppertunity to spend it with his teenage brother and go play football, go to the gym, stay up late and generally have a break.

Thankfully this time BIL is in full time work, we have our own home and there will be a hyper toddler to chase after once baby here so he's screwed if he thinks he's doing that again!

I would speak to him about it though as I got really upset the last time and bottled it all up which didnt help

andlipsticktoo · 20/04/2009 11:08

grrr men like this make me so mad

You have to do something about this now as you have just had dd1,, it will only get worse if you don't.

I have a great friend who has 3dc and her h is so lazy I could kick him where it hurts. He never gets up before midday when he is not working, and often has long periods of time off work 'sick' (yet still manages to go out DJing til 5 in the morning! ) She finds it hard to do anything about it now as it has gone on for sooo long!

You know YANBU and he should be helping you all the time but particularly so after you have just given birth! I'm sure you don't want to have an argument, but he really is being VU.

Original poster

fuzzybunny · 20/04/2009 11:26

He has always been a late to bed and late riser, and we have had words about it in the past, so I suppose I should have known better really.
He is helping a lot around the house though, and is generally very understanding about my feelings, which is why I am confused he would act like he is on holiday when he most definutely is not.
I actually had a really easy pregnancy and birth, we were at home and everything was very relaxing.
Maybe I'm just too laid back and am getting on ok he feels like he isn't needed or wanted? He tries to settle the baby but always has to hand her over as I am breastfeeding and she only really needs me at this early time.
Men are rubbish, we should all know this by now.

OP posts:

Original poster

fuzzybunny · 20/04/2009 11:26

Or maybe just misunderstood?!

OP posts:

compo · 20/04/2009 11:29

have you got older chldren?
he should be taking them out and giving them as much one to one attention as possible
he should also be letting you rest as much as possible

Original poster

fuzzybunny · 20/04/2009 11:32

No this is our 1st little miracle.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 20/04/2009 11:33

nope, men are rubbish!
with the few exceptions
talk to him, get him sorted out.

Original poster

fuzzybunny · 20/04/2009 11:37

Thanks guys! I will say something to him later...just need him to wake up now!!

OP posts:

nicolamumof3 · 20/04/2009 11:54

yes well as long as baby is fed and happy i'd go kick him OUT the bed so that you can get in it!!!!

SparklingSarah · 20/04/2009 11:55

Ok look I will duck when I've said this...

be calm maybe he thinks you've got it all down to a T and isn't required.

MY OH did something similar he has 3 kids to his ex wife she bottle fed so they just took it in turns to feed.

my son was born I chose to BF because everything went easily he sort of thought I was ok...

first day he had been up for 48 hours so he slept and slept I sat fed Daniel pottered about saw the MW blah blah

he fixed dinner and we sat up for a bit but he has said now he wasn't sure how best to help me and I just looked so contented.

he took my older child to school did all the housey stuffs - in that respect fabbytantistco
but at night he'd stay up til late - fine we both have our own businesses so that can be normal but he'd also left me to feed him in peace and to settle him before coming up

It did take a wee while for him to actually tell me he wasn't entirely sure he was actually helping

so maybe just say to him it'd be a help if you could xyz and just say it feels a tad unfair that he's up til late etc

BigBellasBeerBelly · 20/04/2009 12:05

If you are doing the night feeds he needs to be getting up be letting you sleep as and when you need to in the day.

he should be doing the houswork while you feed.

If your baby is crying and nothing will settle, and it's not feeding required, he should be doing his share of rocking patting burping etc etc...

you need to sort this out now or you will end up dong everything forever.

shonaspurtle · 20/04/2009 12:20

Fuzzybunny, I think you need to give him things to do and tell him clearly what you want help with and when.

It's not acceptable that he's doing this but the important thing is to fix it. Going with the flow isn't an option imo, I truly believe that if you let this go it will eventually affect how you feel about him and make you very resentful.

Baby care at this early stage is really only part of parenthood. He needs to be helping you, taking care of you and seeing this as also caring for his daughter.

He can wash her clothes, do nappy changes (I used to feed ds and then pass him over to dh to change nappy/settle at night so that I could get back to sleep asap ready for the next feed), make your breakfast, take her out for short walks to give you a break, keep the house tidy, do the shopping, hold dd if she finds it hard to settle - jeez, lots of things!

Some people aren't good at reading other people though and knowing what needs to be done/what they want help with. You could look at it as helping your dh by making it clear what his role is and how he can best be a father to dd at the moment, and a partner to you.

shonaspurtle · 20/04/2009 12:24

My dh did find taking the lead on ds's care as a newborn hard at first. He seemed to think that I knew what I was doing (how? I had no experience of looking after a baby!) and that he might do things wrong.

He soon got over that though

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 20/04/2009 15:24

It is true that not everyones' body clock runs on a 9-5 working day pattern, there have been studies done to show that people really do divide into larks and owls. However, when there's a newborn baby in the house, the parents' body clocks are stuffed for the time being anyway, so he can't use that as an excuse now.
If he is doing various domestic tasks without having to be nagged and it's really only the late-night/sleeping late thing that's a problem, you need to tell him specifically that you want him to get up earlier and do specific things: he may genuinely not realise that it's stressing you out unless and until you tell him.

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