to not know how to be with my soon to be ex stepmother?

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Ok, a bit of background...

My dad split up with his 3rd wife at the end of last year. Obviously, I don't want to get involved, it's none of my business.

Since then, I have tried to keep in touch with her as I believed that was what she wanted. But I got fed up with being the one doing all the running, as you do, and she hasn't called me or the dc since Christmas - until she phoned last week and asked to take dd away for the weekend - that's where they are now.

I just have no idea what to say to her anymore, and when she brings dd back later today, she'll be staying for a while to see ds as well.

From what I can see, the split was at her instigation, even though they've both said it's mutual. It was my dad that had to move out, and after many years of being fairly well off, he's had to rent a bedsit and sign on the dole - she didn't give him anything from the house, he had to buy all new furniture etc etc.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is despite not taking sides, I sort of blame her. And I don't really want or need a relationship with her....

Any ideas?

I think where you go from now depends on how much you like each other. She stops being part of your family to all practical purposes and you will only keep in touch with each other if you actually like each other and want to see each other. People who like their stepparents and who have had them in their lives since they were young often keep in touch, stepparents who come into a stepchilds life when they are an adult often don't see as much of each other when they separate from the natural parent.
Do you want her as a friend? How much of a bond does your daughter have with her?

my reaction would to not want to have anything to do with her, i know its harsh! If you don't want her staying long i would meet them at the door when they return and keep her there. don't invite her in, just make general chit chat, like did you have a nice time, everything ok, if she does come into the house pretend to be in the middle of housework, don't offer her a cup of tea. she will soon get the hint. Then if she asks to take dd away again in the future turn her down and say you've already got plans,

It's really weird though 2rebecca - she and my dad still see each other quite a lot - and he seems to think they're still friends, although I suspect it's one sided.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never saw her again - I know that sounds really cold - she has been good to us over the last 12 years , but I don't feel an emotional bond in any way.

Dd's not bothered, I don't think and ds is too little to care either way. I just don't know what sort of a relationship she actually wants, getting in touch quarterly

x posted DLI

I want to do what you said. But I can't! She's expecting to come in for a cuppa and a chat... ABOUT WHAT? How you chucked my dad out of his own house???

But you don't know what happened? Maybe she kicked him out because he was cheating? It might not be as it seems?

Exactly Pfft - I have no idea - although I seriously doubt that was the reason tbh, he's not the type.

He said the spark has gone. You would think he'd expect that after 2 previous marriages, eh?

Does the reason matter? No separation is ever totally 1 sided. I would never have wanted to get dragged into the details of my parents relationship if they had divorced. If she does start discussing your dad's shortcomings that would be totally inappropriate.
If you don't like her that much and your son is too young to really see her as his granny then I think if she and your dad split up then she isn't really part of your family any more.
I don't have anything to do with my exhusband's family any more. It makes you realise that relatives through marriage aren't real relatives, like your blood relatives because you do lose contact with them if you divorce. That's 1 reason I think wives should not interfere with relationships between husbands and their relatives. Your husband has a relationship with his family for life, the wife just has it for as long as the marriage lasts.