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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my xh to take a hike

25 replies

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 09:31

ok go gentle on me first time started a post on here

My xh took dc out to the park for couple of hrs i made him normally he will just see them at my house .he was out 3 hrs or so

He did not feed them and first was told it was as he has only 30 quid till Monday btw he lives with his mum so not like he starve till then ,.

But later came out reason he did not was hes ashamed of his sons sn says he finds it hard to cpe with way he eats, acts way people judge ds ,hes almost 4 but is only 18 months etc.Would explain why he is not intrested in learning anything about his son sn

So i told him that since hes ashamed of his ds that hes better of not seeing him at all , he said fine will just see dd as shes easy ie she has sn and everyone thinks shes lovely ,(she is but im biased),Bu told hm that he cant pick and choose kids will not be seeing either of them

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 19/04/2009 09:34

aww,
my first reaction would be That was Brave of exH to admit to that.
other than that i woudl say keep up the contact and Talk to your Exh.

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 09:36

that should read dd has no sn needs taht are obvious just medical

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 19/04/2009 09:38

i can see how upsetting it is for you.
had you no idea he felt that way?

clam · 19/04/2009 09:41

I can understand why you're upset but, when you've calmed down a bit, you might want to reconsider. Not to let him only see the child who's 'easy,' that is, but to persuade him how vital it is to see both. He's clearly struggling with it all and, although I'm not excusing that, it will benefit you all if you can help him come to terms with the situation.

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 09:42

i kinda knew as he never wants take ds out anywhere hes nearly 4 and we been split for over 2 years but for him to come out say was just

ds sn are not obvious at first glimpse bar the huge buggy , but do become very obviours but i wanted to kill xh as everyone that meets ds and sees beyond the sn says hes a great kid and he is

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 19/04/2009 09:44

you coudl put this on SN and get more advice i think.

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 09:49

My son has autism.

I don't think I would stop contact. Is there any way that your ex will sit down and find out a bit more about his son's sn? That would be a bit of a deal breaker for me tbh, if he wouldn't. My son was diagnosed in October but concerns first raised long before that and ex has only just started to acknowledge it and find out about it, which I have found really difficult.

I think your ex sounds rather shallow, my ex for all his faults is fiercely protective of ds.

I think the thing that would annoy me the most is the choosing to see dd over ds, I would be absolutely furious at that. I don't think you can possibly allow that. I would tell him he needs to like it or lump it basically while letting him know what a pathetic scrap of humanity he was for thinking that way about his child.

Maybe some gentle information dropping about ds's needs. When he is round look stuff on the computer, leave books or articles around, that is what I did.

Sometimes think that SOME men found it more difficult to accept these things.

This post is a bit rambly, sorry, this strikes a chord with me.

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 09:50

Yes the SN Board is brilliant, loads of great advice on there.

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 09:50

think willdo just wonderd if i was being unresonable saying he cant see dd if does not want ds

OP posts:

5inthebed · 19/04/2009 09:50

Phoenix, thats terrible of your XH and very for your DS.

I would think that you are right to tell him he can't just see your DD, as he has two children not one. However, I would talk to him about seeing both children. You need a break as well, and he can't expect to get the "easy" deal by just having your DD.

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 09:52

i have talked to him about it given him leaflets details,of signing courses etc but hes always had reason why he could not do ,read them gtuess just have to accept he does not want ds as hes not idear of what a son should be

OP posts:

ingles2 · 19/04/2009 09:57

YANBU. ExP has 2 children not 1.
Do your dc have any contact with their grandmother? exp's that is. Could she help?

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 09:57

What a doughnut he sounds. It took a long time for ex to come round but sadly it does't sound like you ex even wants to try. Is he obstructive in other ways? I imagine he must be or he probably wouldn't be you ex.

Seriously go and post this on the SN Board, they are brilliant over there and would have a lot of help for you in dealing with something like this.

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 09:58

your

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 10:02

thank you
have posted over there as well , and no his fami;ly does not want iether of the dcs so no favoutism there barley wanted when we were married could not drop fast enough once we were seperated

OP posts:

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 10:05

They sound really lovely .

They come across is rather ignorant. Is that the case?

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 10:05

as (whats with all the spelling mistakes today?)

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 10:19

its catching im always doing typos.

No with xmil and his family was more to do with fact I already had 2dc when we met so I was considered not good enough for them .
They was right I was to good for them and their precious son

OP posts:

Springfleurs · 19/04/2009 10:26

Absolutely.

Tbh it sounds as though you are better off without these people in your and your dc's life hard as it is.

"Not Good enough". Good enough not to be embarassed by your own child's SN at any rate. I would make sure you mention that to MIL and family if you ever get the opportunity.

missingtheaction · 19/04/2009 10:27

hmm. back to original question - were you unreasonable to deny xdh your dd if he won't see ds too?

i can see why you did it in the heat of the moment.

But suspect it may be shooting yourself in the foot. Would be best if dh would see both of them. How about relenting and letting him see dd - (although presumably you can't deny him, she is his dd) - and finding things for him to do with ds outside your home that he feels comfortable with to start with? I appreciate this isn't really fair but it may be that you have to be pragmatic to start with?

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 10:31

he does not want to take ds out again he told me this morning on phone will only see him in my house.

trouble is less he takes one of myolder dc along or dd he cant even begine to communicate becaus edoe snot want to learn signing as thats for retarded kids his word snot mine .Im just glad ds can communicate his needsand he is adorable is in my pics

OP posts:

glitteryb6 · 19/04/2009 11:32

ooh i've got an ex like that, flung us out as he "couldnt cope" said he would get ds adopted if anything ever happened to me and wont take ds out anywhere as hes embarrassed by the wheelchair, only visits for an less than an hour twice a week at my house.

he does provide weekly financial support which is good but for anything other than day to day stuff i have to take on debt or apply to charities for help, wouldnt mind this but he has his own business, takes several foreign holidays a year as well as weekends away in between and recently did a few charity nights for Children in Need and Cash for Kids.
i asked him if he would do a charity night for ds's trike but he said no as "its different when its for a big charity"

He is going to look like father of the year next month as he and his fiancee are giving money to a Cerebral palsy charity instead of having wedding favours, which is nice for the charity but doesnt charity begin at home?

sorry that turned into my own little rant there!

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 12:02

rant away glittery and yep i agree charity does begin at home .I get mantiance of 5 qud a week does not even cover youngest ds nappies

OP posts:

Original poster

Phoenix4725 · 19/04/2009 12:03

funny thin is we just got back from the cafe where he was to ashame dof ds to take him inside,thing is we live insmall town and most the shops/cafe know ds anyway

OP posts:

glitteryb6 · 19/04/2009 12:09

its strange isnt it, is it like some sort of dent in their virility or something if people see them with a "less than perfect" child.
anytime me or my mum take out ds we get lots of lovely people chatting to him and all the local shops and cafes know him really well too, sometimes i think if his dad could see this side of things he might think differently

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