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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it always better not to say anything?

10 replies

potatofactory · 18/04/2009 15:28

I have a friend who used to be my bestest friend ever - we were really close, almost to the exclusion of other friends really. These days we are really different, and the friendship has waned, and is mainly based on nostalgia - a bit depressing really. Anyway, it seems more like a duty these days sometimes. She must feel the same, as she will gush about missing me, or wanting to meet up, but then seems to find reasons why she cannot come nearer the time. She IS flaky, and has never been 100% reliable, but it does seem to be getting worse. My main AIBU really, is that I have bitten my tongue several times over the last few months when I feel that her behaviour has been rude, whether this is not bothering to text back, or not bothering to tell me that she is going to cancel an arrangement (I HATE it when I phone someone to confirm only to be told that the other person is cancelling - why aren't they phoning me then?)

I have started feeling annoyed for AGES after the latest of these things, as I never say anything. I really want to say that I have found her rude recently, but assume there is no going back after this. My annoyance is festering though, because I haven't got it out.

Another 'my friend's crap' thread really! Advice please?

OP posts:
nametaken · 18/04/2009 15:31

oh dear, sounds like this friendship has just come to the end of it's natural life really.

I would just take a step back, stop ringing and texting and it will gradually die a natural death.

TheProfiteroleThief · 18/04/2009 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

potatofactory · 18/04/2009 15:34

What's really annoying is the gushing I mentioned - often I'm only responding to this, having decided to leave well alone, or leave the ball in her court. I know it's on the rocks really. Thanks for your comments!

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SerendipitousHarlot · 18/04/2009 15:34

Yep, what nametaken says. Sometimes friendships just drift away, especially ones that are based purely on nostalgia and shared history.

It doesn't sound like you have much in common anyway. Life's too short for 'duty' friends, imo.

potatofactory · 18/04/2009 18:27

I'll ignore the gushing...

It's especially offensive really, as it must be out of a sense of duty, and must be insincere or she would not then be evasive. So much MORE rude than just not getting in touch though!

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coolma · 18/04/2009 18:30

I had one of them - she chose to dump me by e mail. Witch. It has made me loathe and despise and lose any respect for her, so if you want to back off as it were, do it nicely.

potatofactory · 18/04/2009 18:32

I'll just do nothing. How did she dump you, coolma? Did she say she didn't want to be friends any more?

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coolma · 18/04/2009 18:42

Just sent me an e mail - saying she couldn't deal with my 'issues' anymore. Without boringly going into it, I'd been having a really really shit time, and she had gradually spent less and less time contacting me, so to be honest I hadn't bothered being in touch with her either. We had previously been closer than anyone I had ever known in my life. I Knew her 'game' as it were as she'd done it to other people. She'd practically been living at my house when she needed me to hide her smoking from her dh etc, and I had done so much for her and her hideous children. Basically I'd outlived my usefulness and when I then needed help, she decided she couldn't be bothered. Only later did I find out that she thought she 'might' want to be friends again at a time that may suit her. I don't think so. Never ever going to be sucked in by someone like that!!

SparklingSarah · 18/04/2009 19:02

I think just let it die stop calling if she calls and you have time then have a chat if you don't smile and say I'm ever so sorry the kids are climbing the curtains again!

and so on soon it will peter out - the gushing is well people's way of oh hell I don't know what to do guilt really.

We've all had shite friends people you don't want to get grudgey with but you kinda want them gone nicely - let her do the going

potatofactory · 18/04/2009 19:06

She sounds delightful, coolma! Made me laugh about her 'hideous children' as us having children has been one of the things which has highlighted our differences, and I could definitely say the same about hers... (!) We also were closer than anyone else I have been friends with - which is what makes the death throes so tortuous really.

I think you're right SparklingSarah - good advice

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