To want a bit of time to myself

[LittleGreenFr0g]

This is one of my first posts so please go easy on me!

My DP works long hours and I do the majority of the childcare from getting the kids up to putting them to bed, with the help of a lovely childminder who looks after them while I work.I don't go out very often, maybe once a month and I find it hard to do anything for myself (such as joining a gym/exercise class) as I can never guarantee what time he will be home. I have a fair amount of friends who I mainly see in the day with the kids.

Anyway, I wanted to go out with some friends last night and asked my DP if he could make sure he was home by a certain time so I could go. He came home earlier than I thought he woul. Great, I thought, I will be able to spend a bit of time getting ready, doing my hair etc rather than my normal rush. I went out and had a great time. When I got home, he accused me of dumping the kids on him and that I didn't help get them ready for bed etc. He said that I always do this as soon as he gets home and on the weekend, which I don't think I do but its nice to have someone share looking after the kids rather than do it all on my own.

I am being unreasonable to expect him to help when he is home? I mean, they are his children too? I staring to think maybe I shouldn't but then I would never get any time to myself!

I would value your opinions...

you are not being unreasonable at all. but unfortunately i think its just a man thing. my dh is the same. if i'm at home i'm expected to do everything for ds. he will help but if i'm going out he expects me to have ds all sorted. if he is going out he does nothing! no amount of nagging makes a difference and i have just come to the conclusion it's easier to do it myself!

I would say it's reasonable to expect to have what you do halved when he comes in from work. Does he think you put your feet up when he comes in and he does everything?

YANBU I don't think in getting ready to go out when he's in.

How old are your dc?

BTW, has your local leisure centre got a creche?

Its not a generic man thing. Only the tosspots act like this.

Thanks for your reply and you are probably right, but he makes me feel so guilty for wanting to do anything minus the kids and after last night I feel less like I can ask him do anything to help as I will be 'dumping' the (his) kids on him

YANBU, but i think its just the lot of mothers everywhere to be honest. I also do everything at home, although DH will help if asked.I am expected to do everything because i am a SAHM and he works, so never get the opportunity to switch off from it. Perhaps you should have a chat with your DH, away from your home, and work out a Who Does What and When system that you can both stick to.

I have 3 aged 5 and under so its quite hard work. I have always thought about going to the gym in the evening when the kids are in bed,and have never thought about daytime so will look into that, although I am generally fairly busy in the day.

To be fair he does do stuff around the house but its the guilt trip I get with it. I also think that the kids want to spend time with him as they don't see that much of him so it would be nice if he does do some of the childcare.

I understand you about the guilt trip they put on. My P is like this, and it's because he views childcare and cleaning as womens work, unfortunately. YANBU at all! Have a word with him, and tell him to stop moaning and enjoy the time with the children

the thing that is so upsetting about these men is that they don't WANT to do stuff for or with their children.

I'd go mad if my dp said that to me but he wouldn't unless I was doing it alot.

He needs to spend more time with them to get used to doing it on his own!

Bollocks to just a man thing.

My DH wouldn't hear the end of it either if he pulled a line like that! As it is he does the bedtime routine anyway or he doesn't get to see the DDs on weekdays. And he encourages me to go out in the evening to get some 'me time'.

FGS, why do some men think they don't have to raise their own children? He needs a reality check! Point out how many days a week you do the bedtime routine, and how many days he does it. You're a partnership and should be sharing all the domestic responsibilites, especially if you work too.

It's not easier to just 'do it all yourself' because that means you will always being denying yourself for the sake of his selfishness, which basically means you are making yourself inferior to him and being totally submissive. Is that how you want your children to grow up to view women?

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's something I feel strongly about. If women keep denying their own needs for the sake of their family and never looking after themselves at all, every day some part of them dies until there's nothing left.