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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to my Nans funeral??

21 replies

scrappydappydoo · 16/04/2009 09:02

Please be nice - this is a genuine issue...
My Nan died last week - we weren't especially close but she was Nan. The funeral is arranged for next week when we're due to be halfway through our holiday. We could cancel but wouldn't be able to rebook this year as its too expensive from now on plus we were meeting up with friends so they would have to change their holiday plans as well. I could arrange to fly there and back for the day (we're going to scotland) but I would have to take dd2(1) with me as she is still bf and doesn't settle without me (bad mummy emoticon) and that will involve a lot of hassle travelling with baby and getting to and from airport and car seats etc etc
My mum is telling me to go on holiday and not worry about it but she has massive issues with my nans side of the family (her MIL) so I don't know if its colouring her opinion. I just have a niggle that I should be there really just to say goodbye..
so aibu to not go? what would you do??

OP posts:

jennybensmummy · 16/04/2009 09:06

in think if you have that niggle that you should be there then you have to go, i missed someones funeral once as i was revising for exams and didnt want to miss a days revision and have regretted it since, i think if you have that niggle like you say then go, it might be difficult having to take dd2 with you but think a few months on would you regret having not gone?

dietstartstomorrow · 16/04/2009 09:07

I probably wouldn't go TBH - especially as your mum has said it's ok.

Could you and your close family get together when you get back, and visit the ashes or something?

DarrellRivers · 16/04/2009 09:08

I agree, probably best not to ignore the niggle
Go on holiday, but do the flight thing with DD

Phoenix4725 · 16/04/2009 09:11

or what about taking some quiet time on your holiday just to yourself to sit and think about her

BunnyLebowski · 16/04/2009 09:12

YANBU

You don't have to go to someone's funeral to say goodbye. You certainly shouldn't feel a sense of obligation.

Your wee one is still bf and the hassle of all the travel would stress out and upset you both hugely.

We had a similar situation last year. My granny died whilst my brother was on the holiday of a lifetime in South Africa.

He ended deciding not coming home for the funeral. The expense and hassle would have been huge.

On the day of the funeral myself and my wee cousin lit a candle in the chapel on my brothers behalf and he flew back to Ireland a few weeks later, visited her grave and helped my mum sort out her flat.

He was able to say goodbye this way.

So I say go on your holiday and enjoy your time with your family. Say goodbye to your nan in your own way and on your own time and don't feel bad for not being there on the day.

hercules1 · 16/04/2009 09:13

I think you should go on holiday. It benefits noone for you to go the funeral.

DarrellRivers · 16/04/2009 09:14

I may be a bit old fashioned here, but there are times in life when you need to go to things if possible.
A grandparent's funeral is one of those things.
It's not just for your Nan but for your parents as well
Holidays can be interrupted etc

BunnyLebowski · 16/04/2009 09:16

I disagree Darrell.

OP has her mum's blessing not to go. Also OP wasn't close to her nan.

It won't matter to the nan that she isn't there and no-one else really matters.

Attendance at a funeral should not be obligatory for saying goodbye.

DarrellRivers · 16/04/2009 09:19

Fine to disagree
World is full of different opinions
It is good though to hear both sides to everything and that's why I love MN
Neither is necessarily the right or wrong one, op needs to decide what to do

pigleto · 16/04/2009 09:21

I wouldn't miss my nans funeal for a holiday. If I had grandchildren I would want them to come to my funeral.

However if you were not close to your nan and you don't think funerals are important then don't feel bullied into going by others. It is a choice you have to make for yourself.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 16/04/2009 09:23

A funeral is for the livng, not for the dead. It matters not one jot to your nan whether you are there or not. So it comes down to how you feel and how your family feels.

I guess the only thing that would make it even a little important that you went, would be if it was important to someone you love, I mean really important. If it would hurt them if you didn't go.

Your mum says it's fine not to go, but it's not her mum - what about your dad? What does he say?

littleducks · 16/04/2009 09:23

what does your dad think? if it was his mum i would be most worried about his opinion, would he like the extra support?

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 16/04/2009 09:25

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

You will mourn in your own way, sorry you lost your nan

Don't go to the funeral - living well, taking care of yourself and your family are important. You can't afford to go later in the year so you would be missing the only holiday you can have.

Celebrate life instead.

Original poster

scrappydappydoo · 16/04/2009 09:29

Hmm seems MN is as confused as me!! Just to be clear no-one is pressurizing me to go to the funeral. It is my dads mum (dad died 10 years ago) and like I said my mum had 'issues' with her MIL. My DH says its none of my Mums business if I go or not (helpful ). Have now spoken to my big bro who says don't go and my little bro who says go. Arggh I am NOT good at making decisions

OP posts:

nickschick · 16/04/2009 09:32

Im going to be blunt here.

Your Nan wont know if you are there or not-funerals are not the respect thing they once were and many a family row or a 'pissup' occurs at these times.

Go on holiday enjoy yourself on the day of your nans funeral buy a helium balloon and write her name on it- let it go in a pretty spot and remember your Nan there.

Life is for living and years ago people couldnt afford time off work,were fighting in wars etc a funeral is not a goodbye its just an acknowledgement.

My dhs grandad died just as his Dad flew to Saudi for work and no-one told him for 2 weeks until after the funeral-1 extra person stood around the graveside being sad doesnt 'make' the funeral.

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 16/04/2009 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BunnyLebowski · 16/04/2009 09:36

Scrappy if your dad's not around and you and your mum aren't close to your dad's family then I would definitely not go.

There isn't much to be gained by going and if you did go because you feel obliged due to family politics then you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.

You and your wee family deserve your holiday.

The disruption would probably upset your dcs and mean you don't get to relax properly on your break.

KimiAteTooManyEasterEggs · 16/04/2009 09:37

Go on your holiday, People put too much on funerals,

Original poster

scrappydappydoo · 16/04/2009 09:42

Ok - think I will not go to funeral - am going to 'live' with my decision for today and then make proper decision this evening.. Thanks!!!

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 16/04/2009 09:45

I would have the holiday, I expect that your Nan would want you to go if she was asked.
We had the possible problem for a long time as FIL was elderly and ill but kept going. When my BIL went to Australia for a holiday he said that he would have come back for a funeral-in the event at least 3 more years went by before he died. Recently friends did the same thing and arranged that they wouldn't come back.
You can take time out by yourself at the time of the funeral and have her in your thoughts-say a prayer if you have a religious faith. You will know that you observed it, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

tatt · 16/04/2009 09:52

well funerals are one of the things I feel strongly about. I make an effort to be at a relative's funeral even if not close to them as a mark of respect and a comfort to the relatives. I've driven a couple of hundred miles to attend a friend's funeral and left expressed milk for the child I was breastfeeding.

However I probably wouldn't actually fly from Scotland when on holiday. I would phone the next of kin to explain why and send flowers.

What would your Nan have wanted you to do?

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