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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try to talk to my husband about his drinking?

20 replies

MumHadEnough · 15/04/2009 23:19

Okay bit of background. We never used to drink very much at all, perhaps once a month. Past couple of years we've taken to have a couple of drinks on a Friday night, perhaps sharing a bottle of wine and a couple of beers, then on a Saturday night I'll have a couple of voddies, he'll have a couple of beers, fine....

I noticed a change last year when we moved into this house. Next door neighbour is real blokie kind of bloke, goes to pub pretty much ever night after work for "one", out with the lads couple of nights a week. Really nice guy whos Mrs gets a bit pissed off with him, but nice all the same.

So last year........ we all get on really well, during the summer a couple of nights a week we share a bottle of wine. Most nights dh and neighbour share a few beers over the patio. I don't bother too much and it wears off over the winter.

Past few months we've been doing a lot of work to the house. We've had an extension built and dh has worked his butt off fitting a kitchen and decorating etc. I started to notice that at least 4 or 5 nights a week he's "treating" himself to a "few" beers, usually around 4 or 5. I tried to talk to him about this tonight and he didn't take it very well at all.

The reason I'm so worried, his parents are both pretty much alcoholics and I don't want him going down the same road. We also both had the same opinions with regards to drinking, neither of us thought it was healthy to sit and drink on your own, i.e. if the other wasn't drinking. Also we didn't want our son to see what we both saw, mum and dad always with a can of lager in their hand.

I mentioned all this to him and he immediately went on the defensive, "fine, I'll stop drinking altogether then". Explained that wasn't what I was trying to say and got "so you're accusing me of turning into an alcoholic" bla bla bla. Ended up with him saying stuff like "if I was the type of bloke to be down the pub every night you'd be moaning" and me coming back with ".no you're not, but neither am I the type of wife you needed to carry home from the pub and who does nothing except watch soaps all night and moan when you want to watch football".

Ended up with me crying, because I was just trying to tell him it worries me....... He's also a couple of stone overweight (and so am I) but I'm trying to lose it, he's not and his drinking really isn't helping.

Jeezo, that was long. So AIBU to want to talk to him about this? He is a good husband, he works hard, just plods along in life and we pretty much agree with everything else together? Should I just shut up and let him drink 5 nights a week because he thinks he "deserves" it?

OP posts:

Original poster

MumHadEnough · 15/04/2009 23:21

Sorry that should have been "If I was the type of bloke to go down the pub every night you'd have something to moan about"

OP posts:

Clement · 15/04/2009 23:22

I'm in same boat as you. i've mentioned it, but it doesn't have any effect. i once got very upset about it and it hit home, but only for a while. Don't know what the answer is.

Original poster

MumHadEnough · 15/04/2009 23:32

So does your dh think its totally normal too Clement? He just said that he hadn't noticed he'd been drinking so much, actually started denying it was 4 or 5 nights a week and said I was making it up.

I REALLY don't want to turn into big naggy wife type character!

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mrsboogie · 15/04/2009 23:34

Oh its so easy to get into the habit of drinking regularly, to see it as a reward for working hard or having a shit day. Problem is you start to feel your missing out when you don't have one. Me and my OH got into the habit of drinking wine every night for good while - end result I put on tons of weight and we wasted shitloads of money. We stopped before I got pg and drink very little since the baby came.

He needs to break the habit (not meaning he has a problem or anything - just the assumption that he will have a drink of an evening)

It would have been better if you had suggested you both have x numbers of alcohol free days per week (even if you have less than that anyway) because you probably made him feel defensive by making it sound like he was doing something wrong

YANBU though.

mrsboogie · 15/04/2009 23:34

you're missing out

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 15/04/2009 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MumHadEnough · 15/04/2009 23:39

Thanks Mrsboogie, you have hit the nail on the head perfectly.

You know the thing is, he probably will stop doing it now. But he's so bloody stubborn he'll stop drinking altogether and then I won't be able to have my nice wee wine on a Friday night or whatever because then I'll be a hypocrite for "drinking alone" lol.

I'm more peed off at him for making me feel like mad neurotic woman who is just talking crap because she's stopped smoking for 7 days! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:

Original poster

MumHadEnough · 15/04/2009 23:40

Which maybe I am!

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Clement · 15/04/2009 23:42

i think my dh knows he's on a slippery slope, and that he has an addictive personality (as in he gets addicted to things) eg fags, which he promised to give up before we had children 10 years ago....he finally managed to stop for about 6 months when my mum got lung cancer (not a smoker, i hasten to add). he tests himself occasionally, and stops one of his vices for a bit, but then goes back to it. same attitude - thinks he deserves it and why not.

mrsboogie · 15/04/2009 23:42

that could be annoying

blinks · 15/04/2009 23:45

it's a tricky one.

5 btls of beer, 5 times a night is heavy drinking and as a child from an alcoholic home, he should be cautious.

the thing is, he's an adult and needs to recognise the problem for himself.

i think at this stage an open ended conversation would maybe be best. tell him about your concerns but give him time to digest them. speak to him again about it when he's had some space.

Salme101 · 16/04/2009 00:35

Ten years ago (long before DS came along) my DH and I went through a bit of a phase where we always seemed to drink slightly too much and end up having petty arguments when we went out. I got a bit worried about DH, as he freely concedes that he has a somewhat addictive personality. We were both gaining weight and not really enjoying ourselves, so one day I bit the bullet and told him that I wanted us both to cut down on our drinking. He was initially quite dismissive and defensive (not like him at all!), but without saying anything more, we started to change our habits little by little. Years later, long after making a clean break from our miserable jobs in the life insurance industry and Edinburgh's 10-months-a-year of gloom and cold, DH told me that he was really glad I'd said something and that it had started him on turning a corner. Sorry to ramble, it's just to say your husband may take your concerns on board at his own pace. Hope you are lucky, as I was.

Original poster

MumHadEnough · 16/04/2009 11:21

Thanks Ladies. I'll you know of any further developments.

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LtEveDallas · 16/04/2009 11:33

You know, you've got me worried now. My DH drinks at least 4 cans of lager per night, and quite often 6. Every night, without fail. At weekends he will have more, because he will start drinking earlier in the day.

Thing is, if I say anything he gets really defensive and we end up arguing - with me being the bad one, so I dont say anything.

How bad is this, really?? I mean he says he hasn't got a problem because he isnt 'drunk' but I hear him slur his words quite often, and he tends to fall asleep on the sofa early evening and not make it to bed (but if I pull him up on that he says it's because he has a bad back and his tossing and turning will keep me awake)

I suppose I should ty to say something, but frankly is it worth the arguement?

steamedtreaclesponge · 16/04/2009 12:03

That sounds like a lot, LtEve. A can of 4% lager comes up at about 1.8 units, so if he's drinking 4 a day that comes up at 50 units per week. Recommended maximum intake for a man is 28 units. It might just be that he doesn't realise how much he drinks but it must be damaging his health.

And whether he's 'drunk' or not is irrelevant really - the fact that he's not staggering around or vomiting doesn't mean that he doesn't have a problem.

I'm sure there are lots of people on here who could give you better advice than me but I think you are right to be a bit concerned.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 12:18

that's the same kind of levels we were drinking at LtEve. It's habit, pure and simple (although you don't have to be falling about to have a drink problem).

One of the things that I used to think when I was drinking every day was that I wouldn't be able to sleep without it (I suffered from insomnia).

People think that becaue they aren't falling about drunk, or necking straight vodka from a bottle, its not doing them any harm and also that the Government guidelines on maximum limits are set ridicoulously low so its ok to ignore them. But increasingly we are being warned that even relatively low level drinking can cause all sorts of horrible problems and there is a very different range in sensitivities among the general population. You often hear about people (women usually) who drink half a botle of wine a night (which seems reasonable) finding out that this has caused liver damage.

Nanny state or not, I decided to listen to all the advice and cut down drastically on my alcohol consumption. The first thing a person who is a habitual drinker needs to ask themselves is "can I go one night/week/month without a drink" if the answer is "no" or "I don't want to" then you have a problem.

The good news is that if you don't have a problem then it is as easy to fall out of the habit of regular drinking a it is to falll into it. You have to want to of course.

If I was you I would make some gentle suggestions to your OH along the lines of why not try to have a couple of booze-free nights a week. If he objects to this then he may have to reasses his drinking.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 12:20

sorry bout the typos

Leni75 · 16/04/2009 13:00

def keep talking to him but when he not hungover, tired etc, he needs to be receptive. it is very easy to slip into a habit that is then very hard to break, my b/f drinks approx 6-8 bottles of 5% beer a night, every night of the week and at least 3 times a week is falling over drunk (don't know how much he is drinking then as he is out) I try to talk to him about it, he admits its a problem but seems unable to stop it, i know he needs prof help and i think he does to, but its hard to make the first step. you don't want your partner to end up here, esp if he has family history (my b/f does too)

i would use the tactic of both having alcohol free days, start with the week then add a weekend night in too, but maybe you need to find something else to do to distract from the drinking, its often thru boredom, i hate to say 'find a hobby' coz that 's soooo bollocks, but you know what i mean!!!!

LtEveDallas · 16/04/2009 13:12

Thanks Mrsboogie. Maybe that's the way I should go - not a 'you're drinking too much' but a 'why dont you have a night off'.

He drinks lager the way I drink tea/coffee - ironically he wont have coffee past 1600 because 'its bad for you' but cannot function in the morning till he's had at least 4!

I know his mum is/was worried a few years ago but she wouldnt speak to him as he would blow up at her - he was going thru a pretty horrible stage at the time. He's not so bad now, but it's still too much.

You've given me food for thought all of you, thanks

(and sorry for hijacking your thread OP)

Original poster

MumHadEnough · 16/04/2009 14:37

No prob LtEve, I'm glad you managed to use the thread to get some advice.

Will see what kind of mood my dh is in tonight when I get home . Sent him a text today about something and he's ignored me, nice!

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