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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go on holiday with mum and dd but minus dh?

29 replies

APerson · 15/04/2009 11:38

DH has a lot of debt and is forever telling me we need to cut back on xyz. However, he's going to benidorm next month with a group of guys for a week's stag do.

Obv I've told him about the cost of it, why can't they all go into the city for a night or something, but he says it's his best friend's stag do.

I am deaf, so the week he's away, I will have to stay with my mother. This isn't very fair considering she cares for my elderly grandmother who lives with her, but DH booked the stag week before bothering to tell me and my mum, meaning I have no choice but to stay with her.

I have lots of equipment to help me in the house, but this past week the baby monitor and the smoke alarm have not been working properly, so I am staying with my mum the week he's away to prevent any dangers occurring.

I am not happy with him as he knows how much I rely on him to alert me to danger or our 14 month old. I don't want to stay with my mother but I have no real choice. He is very stubborn about the situation.

I have said to him that I would like a holiday myself. He has said we can't afford it yet he can afford to go away with his mates.

So my mother has offered to take me and DD on a week's holiday to spain. (my aunt will let my gran stay with her that week - she has 3 kids hence why gran normally lives with mum). My mum has offered this as I have had a sh*t year with PND, problems with the PILs, problems in my marriage. Mum feels it's unfair that DH gets a holiday and I don't, and as I can't afford a holiday on my own, she has offered to pay for one.

WIBU to do this? To go on holiday with mum and DD but not DH?

I know that DH will be extremely cheesed off if I tell him. He will probably argue that we should be going somewhere ourselves (even though he keeps saying we can't afford it), that he can look after DD whilst me and my mum go (I don't want to leave her, plus he will be working, won't be able to get out of it, and it would be MIL looking after DD and she thinks DD needs a good slap now and then!!!)

Also, I'm very sure MIL will go off her head about me leaving her darling son and 'not trusting' him to look after our DD for a week (when it won't be him, it will be her!)

It's alright for him to go on a sunny holiday, and leave his wife at home, but not me? Plus unlike him, I do not want to be away from my daughter for more than a day!

I am thinking of not telling him until just before I go, because I know he will kick off and that his mother will kick off (she is always commenting on my wifely/motherly ability)...

sorry, this turned into a long essay!

OP posts:
tessofthedurbervilles · 15/04/2009 11:41

YANBU - tell him to f*ck off....

OrmIrian · 15/04/2009 11:41

Of course yanbu.

Original poster
APerson · 15/04/2009 11:45

thanks, it's more the hassle I will get that worries me than whether or not I should go...

OP posts:
ellingwoman · 15/04/2009 11:48

"DH! Great news! You know you said we can't afford a holiday well mum is going to take me and DD to Spain! All expenses paid! Isn't that fantastic? This way you get a holiday and so do we!"

Can't see the problem...

Well the only problem is you thinking about not telling him to the last moment. Do you REALLY have that sort of non-trusting relationship? And sod MIL, he should be backing you up if she is putting you down.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 15/04/2009 11:48

GO! however don't leave it to the last minute to tell them as that is a little childish just ignore all comments from both.

TartanKnickers · 15/04/2009 11:50

Not unreasonable at all.

juuule · 15/04/2009 11:50

YANBU - But he is.

shedragon · 15/04/2009 11:55

Absolutely YANBU! GO! You must go.

You've had a crap year, you work hard, do something nice. IMO he should be delighted you're having a break. I don't understand how he could think otherwise. You could always sell it as 'Excellent news, you've a week to yourself, with us going to Spain and all that, isn't that wonderful?'
And isn't your Mum lovely?

BunnyLebowski · 15/04/2009 12:09

YANBU and to be brutally honest your DP sounds like a Grade A wanker!

Go on your holiday and enjoy every second of it!

Agree with shedragon - your mum sounds like a star!

Original poster
APerson · 15/04/2009 12:17

I only found out about the debt and the amount in November. Couldn't understand why when he has 2 jobs, we never had any money, but eventually got the truth out of him. His parents knew for years. Encouraged him not to tell me anything about the debt yet they spent the past year telling me I'm not supportive enough as a wife and not coping enough as a mother...

Long long story with more to it, but yes there are trust problems in our relationship and we are still working through it. My mum says two fingers to the lot of them and lets go on holiday!

OP posts:
Shambolic · 15/04/2009 12:19

YANBU of course you aren't!

You must go.

Tell him about it rather than ask him. Do not be cowed.

Good luck

Original poster
APerson · 15/04/2009 12:21

Oh and thanks everyone. You're all right, I shouldn't care what he thinks! He won't be happy but tough.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 15/04/2009 12:24

Go and have a great time, he should be happy for you.

MrsMcCluskey · 15/04/2009 12:28

YANBU at all, more than reasonable to put up with DP.
You and DD go and have a fab holiday

messymissy · 15/04/2009 12:31

Have a lovely time - take your mums advice and go have fun!

bTW = i'm off on hols too with my mum and without dd's dad - he was annoyed at first, but i really don't care! He would never offer to contribute to the cost (not even spending money for icecream), always makes me pay for myself and dd when we've been away so I thought sod it...I'm not sharing my hols with him!!

ChippingIn · 15/04/2009 12:34

YABU

In letting this bloke treat you like this!! You need to get things sorted out.

YANBU to go on holiday without him, whether your Mum was paying or not.

IF he wants a family holiday - great, then you can have 2

Go, take DD and have a fab time, do NOT let him spoil it for you!!

Numberfour · 15/04/2009 12:39

you should definitely go with DD and your mum! Dh will eventually see that he should be adult enough to agree with you.

YAdefinitelyNBU!

lizziemun · 15/04/2009 12:49

YANBU.

Go on holiday with your mum and dd and have a good time.

If he complains tell him to explain why it ok for him to go a for a weeks stag do and get into more debt (i mean how much 'beer' money will he need on top of the cost of the holiday). But it not ok for you and your dd to have a week away with your mum which will be a lot cheaper.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 15/04/2009 13:40

Your mum sounds ace! Go for it and enjoy. Sounds like you have a lot of other issues to sort though.

I have been on holiday with my Dad - him paying for most things- when I was on ML. DH is Navy and was away. DH had absolutely no problems with that!

Reallytired · 15/04/2009 13:48

Enjoy your holiday and I hope you have a lovely time.

SNOWBall4girlz · 15/04/2009 13:53

I agree will be lovely for you and your DD plus it will be a lovely time for your mum too to have a break and spend time with her gd ....his mum will probably end up looking after your dh

Go without guilt and have a brill time.

Original poster
APerson · 15/04/2009 14:24

aw thanks, I'm really looking forward to it now! We haven't set a date yet to go, will probably get a last minute thing, so I'm not going to tell DH until I know we are definitely going. Yes, my mum is a star. She looks after DD whilst I work, even though she looks after my gran too, she's supermum lol

OP posts:
neversaydie · 15/04/2009 14:30

I think your Mum sounds wonderful, and I hope you all have a lovely holiday.

NicEM · 15/04/2009 14:31

Definitely go - I had a thread re stag weekend recently - they seem to think it's their right......

go and have loads of fun! don't feel guilty for even a second!
x

hedgiemum · 15/04/2009 14:50

I also think you have a wonderful mother. Your DH should be happy for you and dd getting a lovely sunny holiday - it'll be really good for you. My DH has his leave canceled at short notice sometimes, so we never book a holiday without making sure that my mum or a sister will be able to come if he pulls out last minute - he wouldn't want the children and me to miss out.

Phrase it in a nice way as good news when you tell him (as elling suggests), and also be nice about his stag do from now on; say its nice he'd getting some time off from the support he gives you all the time; if you model how to be gracious then maybe he'll copy that rather than the irrationality it sounds like he was raised with. Ignore mil.