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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ex has decided to spare a day at the weekend to fly over an have a once yearly day out with our ds. AIBU to be pissed off?

16 replies

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 14/04/2009 23:56

I'm happy for ds, I'm pissed that he's not seen him for 12 months, not been in contact with him since Jan and expects me to hand ds over for the day to someone who shows no interest in his health or welfare. Please calm me down. I'm so annoyed that I have to drop everything because he decides to make an appearance, I'm pissed that, yet again, despite him not bothering with ds, he'll request ds visit him in Ireland and make me feel bed for not taking him (I can't afford it).
I want to scream!

OP posts:
valleysprincess · 15/04/2009 00:15

cor

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/04/2009 00:27

Tell him if he is paying for you to take him there then yes you will otherwise get off his lazy arse and be a responsible father which means more than one visit a year or stay away forever

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/04/2009 00:29

YANBU - what a prize twat.

Why isn't he paying for his son to go over and see him - can't he come and collect him himself??

thumbwitch · 15/04/2009 00:29

if he wants to see him then let him come and see him! Why the bleeding hell should you have to traipse over to Ireland for his convenience? What with him and your exMIL you are having a bad time of it at the mo, aren't you!

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 15/04/2009 00:37

It's always been like this thumb, I'm not surprised I'm so tired. Italy is really calling out for ds and I to move there!

He has offered to come and collect him, I am very reluctant to allow ds to go considering his father's lack of support/contact with ds. He doesn't phone him, he set up an email account but the last one he sent was in Jan, he never writes, if I allowed ds to go it would be like he was going away with a stranger. Ds won't leave me as I'm the only parent who has cared for him, I've done everything for him without any help from his dad since he was born. He's 10 now. I can't willingly hand him over to someone who show's so little thought for his child. He makes an effort to see ds once a year, sometimes less. He stopped phoning at christmas and ds's birthday a couple of years ago, the emailing started in September, I told him I wouldn't allow ds to spend a few days with him unless he made an effort to get to know him. He emailed every week or so but only about a game ds playes online. Nothing about ds or getting to know him.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 15/04/2009 00:40

Can't see why he wants to take DS to Ireland - if he's not that bothered about contacting him regularly, why take him away? Why not just come for the day and get re-acquainted with him?

I think, as I'm sure I said re. MIL as well, get your DS to say what HE wants to do and make your ex understand that your DS's wishes are paramount and you're damned if you're going to let some fly-by-night loser like him ride roughshod over your boy's wishes. (Ok, that's what I would say - you might phrase it differently!)

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 15/04/2009 00:49

Knowing ds he won't say anything or will say 'I don't know'. I'm banging my headup against a wall with all of them and getting no where. His argument is that I'm telling ds not to go back with him out of spite and I'm not letting him get to know ds because I talk him out of going over to see him No matter how many times I say it's because you don't make an effort to get to know him so he wants to stay where he feel's safe and secure, it makes no difference. I've tried tact, I've tried blunt, the penny still (after 5 years) has yet to drop. I can't see why ne needs ds to go over there, his dad claims it's a holiday! He's coming for the day, he wanted to have him at his less then patient dad's overnight so I told him no because ds wears his dad out. He doesn't see ds for more then one hour (grandad). Ds's dad has not replied to this yet, it's been a week. I'm trying to be fair but I'm becoming resentful at all the thing's I'm doing for ds when he does nothing and makes these demands. I'm always putting ds first and it makes me so angry.
I've been caring for ds since he was born by myself, I stayed living in the city his dad was born so ds could see his dad and his dad's family then he left because he was 'bored'. I do everything for ds and he can't even email him to ask how he is.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 15/04/2009 00:53

hmm, well your Ds is getting to an age where he should be able to make a decision like this for himself - if he can't then I think I would be tempted to test the system and say "fine, take him and we'll see what happens". The only problem with that is that you'll end up picking up any pieces if it goes awry.

But at least it would show your ex what it actually means to have DS for more than a couple of hours, and it would give your DS more of a reason to make decisions next time!

But then I am a mean caaaaahh!

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/04/2009 00:53

oh this sounds oh so familar

ds1 is 10, his father has never shown much interest. went from weekly visits to every 6m to 1 a yr to him seeing him a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 yrs. he never phones, emails or writes at birthdays or xmas. But expected me to let him take him away this weekend gone.....errrrrrrrrrrrr NO get to know him first, and then you can see him alone for a few hours....IF Ds1 wants to that is...

but thats never likely to happen as ds1 has asked for his permission for dp to adopt him.

thumbwitch · 15/04/2009 00:55

ooh I think I remember your thread on that LadyEvenstar - how did it pan out in the end?

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 15/04/2009 00:59

It's just ds and I, we are really close as it's always been just us. I don't know how ds would manage away for longer then a day, he says he misses me when he's at school. If he were to come over more/phone him/send him a birthday card and make an effort I would be happier for him to spend longer with him. He does none of this. Ds has said he just wants to get a game for his nintendo for his birthday from his dad. His dad comes over and takes him to Alton Towers etc so it's fun times IYSWIM. Ds wasn't mature enough to know that seeing his dad won't always bee like this. He does need to get to know him better!

I think there's the part of me that doesn't trust him to return ds aswell. A year is a long time not to see your child IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 15/04/2009 01:03

I'm off to bed. I'll catch up with this tomorrow.
night

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 15/04/2009 01:06

night lovey - hope you sort something out!

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 15/04/2009 13:43

I managed to get a referal to the hospital about the slapped face problem. From my dentist! I had no idea they could do this. Strange.

OP posts:
valleysprincess · 15/04/2009 13:52

hello Fluffy, I don't think you should let your boy go anywhere with this guy without you being around for a long while. He's still a baby at 10 and it could be really destabilising for him.

Original poster
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 15/04/2009 16:20

Thanks valleysprincess ds is a lovely child, it makes me angry that his dad is not bothered about him. I can't see how he can have so little time for him, he should be ashamed.

OP posts:
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