A couple of years ago my sil called very upset asking dh to collect her. She had been told by a man that her dh was having a long running affair with his dw.
She confronted her dh about it, he denied it to some degree, saying the ow was being vindictive, and swore on their dc's lives that it had never happened before.
But...about 8 yrs previously I had seen some texts which had been sent by him to a friend, not realising who it was until a few weeks after the penny dropped. The texts were heavily flirtatious, enough to make me raise my eyebrows, but that's all.
I told dh, and as we knew the friend was quite a flirty type, we thought that was probably just it, however we kept ours eyes peeled, but nothing else appeared to happen.
A few months later, dh casually asked friend about it, she said nothing had happened between them.
About 6 years ago friend and her now dh were at a social do with us when sil and her dh were also there.
About two years ago, dh asked her again, and she admitted they had kissed.
Dh went to his parents asking what to do, they said leave it alone, it was years ago, and maybe they've already sorted it privately.
So, when she said he swore on their lives, I opened my big mouth and told her something might have happened before, and what we knew.
It transpired that he had had many many affairs, before and since.
She now won't talk to us, saying that we should have confronted her dh, or told her, when we knew. She feels we have betrayed her and that we could have prevented all the affairs if we had said something, she can't believe we were heartless enough to bring this friend along to the function they were all at(we never would if we had known the full story).
She is still with him, and I guess it's her way of coping with his betrayal, but it's getting worse. I do understand she must be hurting terribly, but do we have to bear the brunt of the blame when we would rather be there for her?
She won't come to any family things if we are there, doesn't buy the usual presents for us or our dcs (we still do for her and hers), and regularly blames us to everyone for her life being over. (don't get me wrong I don't think the presents are important, I just wish she wouldn't extend it to the children, who often ask after their aunt/uncle/cousins).
My dh is so upset by this. He tries to talk to her, but she either won't see him, or just doesn't seem to believe when we say we thought it was just the texts and we would be stirring up trouble for nothing. He wishes he had said something a couple of years ago when he knew they had kissed, but his family put him off, and it did seem to be the right thing to do as such time had passed, although it always bothered us.
I better just add that they always seemed blissfully perfect couple like- he very devoted and caring etc. We had no idea whatsoever that they had problems.
I wish I had never said anything, but having previously been in a being cheated on situation, I was immensely grateful to the people who told me, even though they too had known for ages, I knew it must have taken real courage to tell me.
So any ideas? What should we do?