To be fed up with pil lying about us being there whenever bil rings?

[sail73]

They have always done it since I've known them particularly fil. My bil is mentally ill and they don't often invite him over when other family are round because of a number of upsetting incidences that have happened in the past.

I hate it! Fil shushes everyone to ensure silence and then makes up stories of what they're doing ie told my bil that his mother was on the toilet when it was actually me and when asked if he was watching a certain programme he said he was watching a rupert dvd because that it what he fancies watching. Actually ds1 was watching it fil doesn't usually watch that sort of thing as far as I know!

Anyway I refuse to play along with it now as I've had enough of the lies and I hate the example it is setting my dc. I refuse to bring them up to tell lies. I will not be shushed and refuse to allow my dc to be. Fil has often got annoyed with me about it and has angrily explained his reasons when he has got off the phone but I hate my dc hearing their grandad telling blatant bare faced lies.

Anyway didn't make a thing of it tonight as we had had a nice meal and didn't want to ruin the evening. However I carried on as usual in front of my dc and didn't whisper etc as he wanted me to. He didn't say anything tonight about it though but it winds me up and make me so angry So aibu?

Sorry I didn't follow that, must be cos you're angry!

Does BIL live with the ILs? Do you live with the ILs? Not sure who's phoning who here...

Why doesn't your fil just take the phone into another room and close the door so he can speak in silence and leave you all to chat amongst yourselves?

Bil doesn't live with inlaws but often rings. Pil feel the need to keep the fact that we are round to visit (or anyone else round to visit for that matter) a secret from bil incase he questions why he wasn't invited. They also lie to him when they visit us and bil rings us as if they shouldn't be visiting us either iyswim?

Good question linnet I don't know!

I can see why they do it though. That can#t be easy for them. Can't they let the ansaphone pick up the call?

If they don't answer the phone the calls are constant til they do. Also they then get questioned about where they were what they were up to etc!

I think this is not about you and you should just do what your FIL wants when you are in his house. Because he has probably found over the years that this is the best way to deal with your BIL's mental health issues, keep him happy and spare the rest of the family a difficult scene. Unless you are a mental health care expert, you don't know the best way to handle your BIL and should therefore not go blundering in to a situation you do not understand.

He also does it at our house. He answers his mobile and tells him hes somewhere different entirely!

sorry but it sounds like you are behaving a bit of a beeatch here.

Your pils are obviously struggling with a mentally ill son and don't want to hurt or upset him.

By deliberately letting bil know you are visiting pils (by continuing to chat) you are hurting somebody who is potentially very vulnerable and then presumably leaving your pils to clear up the mess that you've left in your wake when bil asks why he was excluded.

Surely you can tell the truth to your dcs and set them an excellent example - grandpa doesn't want us to hurt uncle x's feelings so we will be quiet while he's on the phone.

Also when bil rings us and asks do you know where mum and dad are they usually want me to say I don't know or whatever when they are here! I just hate the lies thats all! I do have a great deal of concern for bil btw. I know dh worries about him alot. He ring us often even when he knows when I am on my own. He often just wants to chat and I do unless its genuinely not convenient and I explain. He never believes me though and thinks I'm lying!!

YANBU for hating the lies and finding it all upseting. But he is their son and they are the ones who have been coping with him and his illness all this time.

Its not ideal but they must have their reasons unless they are really vile.

Its tough living with a relative with severe mental health issues. Its hard to get help and support. Maybe they have just had enough and simply cannot cope anymore.

Very sad for all involved.

Its their choice though. Unless you want to take on BIL I think you need to let them deal with it the way they see fit.

I do sympathise as I wouldnt like it at all. But I am sure they havnt got to this point overnight?

Yes: teaching children to be truthful is one thing: it;s also important to teach them to be tactful. What do you hope to gain here?

Tactfulness is one thing but I'm talking about blatant out and out lies like making up elaborate stories about where they have been what they've been doing rather admit they've been out with us! Or when my ds2 cries and bil said he can hear a baby crying it was the television because they are on their own (as always.)

you are being childish. its sounds like your bil's parents are doing it to spare their sons feelings and also to spare the rest of the family and themselves uneccesary angst.

what in gods name is wrong with that?

you are in their house. respect that they are doing this for good reason.

using your children to take the moral high ground ie: ""i refuse to have lies told in front of my children"" doesnt really wash with me either. sorry. you are being difficult for no good reason.

I just don't want to bring up my children to tell lies. My ds1 aged 3 knows he is ill and worked that out ages ago He was about 2 when he said mummy uncle x is poorly isn't he?) I said yes darling he is and ds1 said oh poor uncle x!

Get over yourself.

They obviously have a lifetime of experiences and the know-how to handle the situation.

They are dealing with the situation in the best way they know how & all you are doing is showing your ignorance.

You don't appear to give a toss about the difficulties your PIL face dealing with your BIL. If you are genuinely concerned that there is a better way to handle the situation then go and inform yourself of it; seek some proper advice and then suggest to your PIl that they talk to someone who actually knows about whatever the mental health issues are here.
Otherwise, get over yourself and keep your beak out. Because making a big bratty self-obsessed deal about this could do serious damage.

but its not bringing your children up to tell lies is it?

your ds is obviously bright and has grasped the situation, so all you have to do now is explain to him why your fil does what he does, and although you don't necessarily agree this is the way things are for now.

your poor pil. sounds like a very difficult situation for them. don't make it anymore difficult, eh?

Have you asked your pil why they do it? Until you know then suspend judgement.

As you said in your op, there have been a number of unpleasant incidences, so I would have a care before deciding how the oldies should manage their kids.

sail73, you can make it up to BIL by having him over to your place more often. How often do you have him over now?

You've already said that there have been unpleasant incidents involving BIL and that if you try to put him off, he thinks you are lying, so I don't see why it is such a big problem for you to support your PIL at these times. It must be so difficult for them to see their son struggling with a mental illness, and knowing they can't do anything to make it better for him. You sound very selfish actually. You clearly have no real understanding of what it is like to see someone you love go through the hell of mental illness and doing your best to make their life more bearable. I don't wonder that your FIL gets angry with you. He is the one who has to deal with the fall out your selfishness causes.

I take it there will be no Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas etc. in your house then.