to ask my mum not to text unless she can be nice ...

[cba]

ok. I am an only child and feel very responsible for my mum. She always puts on me when I say things like I want to move out of the area, the whole guilt trip.

Anyway, dh works really long hours and I knew this weekend he wouldnt be working. Mum had said could she come over. I explained that dh and we really wanted to spend time just us as it never happens. Mum comes over a couple of times a week as she dosent live far. Although, this can be more hinderence than help as she argues with the kids when they are having moments when they are tired.

I got a text this morning basically saying how nice it was that I was didnt phone her all weekend. (Sat and Sun) and that she wont bother coming over. Explained nicely that we had a lovely weekend and just stayed in all weekend and had a great time. Got another text saying I could have said that.

I text her back explaining nicely that I did already tell her and she was more than welcome to come over today or us to her. I also asked her not to text if she couldnt be nice.

I didnt phone her as she would have started an argument. I am getting to the stage where I cannot be doing with it. She is demanding. If I want people over for dinner when she is here I cant as she is quite antisocial.

What do you think amibu?

Sorry so long

Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you and being ridiculous. She is a grown woman and should have the capacity to understand that you have your own life and your own family.

You were not being U in sending her that text.

I would leave her for a while and then perhaps contact her again and act as if nothing had happened.

Would that help?

Poor you.

No. I don't think it's unreasonable. It's important to be firm sometimes. Set boundaries.

Although - is she alone? Maybe she's lonely? Sometimes people, if unhappy, cannot think outside their own needs, iyswim.

no she has a husband, my stepfather.

To be honest, my mum works alot, her choice to and I respect this so only really wants to come over to our house when it pleases her. Which I normally oblige.

Also my mum was a single parent until I was 17 so never really ever had anyone else to consider.

I have told my mum that I will put dh and kids above everything when we get the chance to be together as a family.

Sometimes, I just wish we never spoke then I would just be able to get on with my life without feeling bad about what effect my actions will have on her.

If your mother has a husband- your stepfather- then that's one more reason to set clear boundaries. It's so hard with mothers... (and I hope we as mothers manage to do things differently!) because some times they honestly cannot understand that they need to keep a distance & respect boundaries when it comes to their children.

If she were alone it would have been trickier. Does she have a good relationship, do you think, with her husband? Maybe she's slightly lonely even though she is in a relationship? (just a thought). Or maybe she simply hasn't learnt to respect your needs and unfortunately the only person who can force help her do this is you...by being kind but firm & repeating- whenever you need to- what your terms are.

YANBU. This sounds like a pattern of decades and it's going to be hard to break.

Her behaviour is unreasonable and you must challenge and set boundaries. I'm sorry to say that, from experience, when you begin to stand up to someone like this they often up the ante, particularly with the guilt tripping ("You didn't phone me this weekend AND NOT ONLY THAT I have been ill and didn't like to say AND I have been crying non-stop" kind of thing).

Of course we should be grateful for everything our parents have done for us, but sometimes parents ask us to parent THEM, not just in illness and emergency, but long-term. Does your Mum have any other sources of support besides your husband, such as siblings or her own parents?

This link has some starting points for you, but I only managed to break these patterns in my own family with the help of a counsellor. Having an objective person to say "No, you are not responsible for X's happiness" was very empowering. Good luck!

Poor you, you know you are not being unreasonable she is.