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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at the thought of DH "making me"?

27 replies

BloodyEar · 12/04/2009 16:44

A brief background first.

A few years ago I was an unemployed single mother living in a 2 bedroomed council house on a rough, depressing estate. I had no money, no luxuries, no outlook on life.

Then a relative died suddenly and I was hit by an epiphany. I woke up one morning thinking "Life is far too short for this, stop being ridiculous, get off your arse and make something of yourself, tomorow isn't guaranteed to anyone"

And so I did. I smartened myself up, started applying for work, started eating properly and after a year or so, I was healthier, happier and I'd found a job. I didn't spend the extra money, I saved it in an account which would enable me to move off that shitty estate.

Now, around this time, I met someone and within a year, we had decided to move in together. I moved in with him, taking my savings with me and a few months later, we moved to another house. A lovely area, good schools and somewhere we'd both always wanted to live. (Nothing posh, just nice).

Anyway I am proud of myself, I have acheived a lot in just a short space of time. But yesterday I was visiting family and my mum said "You should be very grateful to your DH, he has been the making of you" and my aunts all nodded in agreement. One then said "If it wasn't for him, you'd still be living on (estate) and scrimping and saving for groceries".

I'm so fucking annoyed. And I'm upset. DH did not "make me", I made myself. I can't beleive everything I have worked for in the past few years has been put down to me "shacking up with a bloke".

FFS, can a woman not do well for herself in this day and age with "her man" taking all the credit??

OP posts:
dittany · 12/04/2009 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMcCluskey · 12/04/2009 16:49

Why didnt you tell them that then?

cherryblossoms · 12/04/2009 16:49

My family's like that.

No advice - just wanted to pat you on the back and give you a wry smile of fellowship.

And it is amazing that moment of epiphany, isn't it? Cool you did something, rather than just be frightened or depressed by it (which many are).

MuffinBaker · 12/04/2009 16:50

My God!

Your DH should have put them straight - as should you!

cherryblossoms · 12/04/2009 16:52

Excuse me coming back again but good post Dittany. I'm sure that's it. And one of the reasons it's so b* annoying.

DSM · 12/04/2009 16:52

Do they know that you were saving?

Did you buy the house together, 50/50? If you did, does your mother know?

Original poster
BloodyEar · 12/04/2009 16:55

DH wasn't there.

I did put them right though. I said "I got myself a job and snapped myself out of my depression before I'd even met DH ... "

and they all sort of looked at each other and changed the subject. A bit later on my mum said "Oh, I know you work too, which is nice. But it's good of your DH to keep you isn't it? And to take on the kids, most blokes wouldn't you know ... "

FFS, thank god for DH for "rescuing" poor little pathetic me

Another one of her favourites is "ah you could have found a worse bloke than DH, I mean, you could have got someone who beats you up or abused the kids, because some do you know. We should be thankful really... "

Wow yes, thanks DH for not beating me up, I really owe you one!

OP posts:
kidowner · 12/04/2009 16:56

Congratulations on what you have achieved!

Don't let what older women say upset you.

They have no idea, laugh with them. You can let them know the whole story if you want to, but they probably wouldn't understand. In their day, there probably was no other way out of poverty.

Original poster
BloodyEar · 12/04/2009 16:57

Yes the finances are split 50/50. I have told my mother this but it goes in one ear and out of the other.

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 12/04/2009 16:57

Put them right every time they say such stupid remarks. Hopefully they will get the message....

BONKERZ · 12/04/2009 16:58

i do understand what you mean! My DH was unemployed when i met him although had a mortgage, i lived in a council house and was a single parent and was loving my life if i am honest! Dh came along and we moved in together almost immediately and because he lived over 140 miles away and had his own house we moved in with him. DH likes to say how he saved me! I didnt need saving i had a good life was studying at college had lots of friends and a brilliant social life! I like to think i saved DH as he was unemployed and depressed and i gave him the confidence and happiness he needed to get back to work! LMAO

StarlightMcEggzie · 12/04/2009 16:59

But wasn't part of your 'efforts' getting yourself into a state where you were attractive and had something to offer a relationship?

Congratulations btw!

brettgirl2 · 12/04/2009 16:59

Well for what it's worth I think it just goes to show how strong you are managing to make it despite those close to you having such a low opinion of your abilities.

StarlightMcEggzie · 12/04/2009 17:01

TBH though, I think my DH has been the making of me, and vice versa. Isn't that part of what being in a strong relationship is about?

MoreLikeMiranda · 12/04/2009 17:01

well done you !

if only more people would follow your example

abbierhodes · 12/04/2009 17:04

All I can suggest is take no notice. You know how things really are, so does your DH.
Well done for turning your life around btw. That must have taken a huge effort!

ComeOeufeneer · 12/04/2009 17:10

Don't waste your efforts. As long as you and dh know the truth that is all that matters. If you have tried and you mum doesn't listen just let it wash over you.

My MIL has this idea that I am damn lucky to be married to her dh so I can be a "lady of leisure". FFs I am a Sahm trying to set up her own business, run a big house, care for 2 small children and be chair of pta.

My earnings paid for the deposit on our first property, I supported dh through law school, and had a higher income than him for many years until I went part time after children and he was promoted. I stopped working 2 years ago, have savings in the bank (joint account but saved by both of us).

But all she sees is her hot shot lawyer son and his "surrey wife". It isn't like I spend all day having my hair and nails done and "doing lunch" !!!!!!

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 12/04/2009 17:34

Families huh? Can't live with them, can't kill them.

You know the truth; that's the most important thing.

tessofthedurbervilles · 12/04/2009 17:49

Oh you silly, silly girl....of course your dh has made you and you were nothing until he charged on to your estate on his white steed....picked you and the dc up and agreed to shoulder the 'burden'
Just let the batty old Aunts have their old fashioned fairytale ideals...in their day unmarried mums were sent away and the idea that a man would take them on is straight out of some awful mills and boon load of crap from the library...

Janos · 12/04/2009 17:50

BloodyEar can I just say bloody well done?

You should be proud of yourself.

It's a shame your female relatives can't be happy for you but that's their look out.

DisasterEggs · 12/04/2009 17:55

I get.

you are so lucky you children are well behaved/sleep well/are fairly normal.

you are lucky your husband looks after the children

you are lucky he lets you do what you want

you are lucky the dog is nice

you are lucky to have a car of your own

you are lucky to be able to afford nice days out

yes i am bloody lucky to have all that but i have also worked bloody hard to make them happen. bloody mother aunts old people. they're bloody lucky i don't slap them.

MeltedEasterEgg · 12/04/2009 18:28

You should be grateful he doesn't beat you up? so if he did it's only to be expected? wow

Saying that, my mum says similar stuff.

"Poor Michelle, she doesn't have a man to look after her like you do"

knockedgymnast · 12/04/2009 19:25

LMAO Disastereggs

Baisey · 12/04/2009 19:53

Oh dear where on earth would all us pitiful women be if men werent around to help us...?
We are forever in their debt for choosing us and we must bow down before them, bring them cups of tea in bed and have their dinner on table for when they finish work.
Did you not know that?
Wait no, im NOT in the 1950's!
nevermind ignore all of above!

Sorrento · 12/04/2009 20:08

Oh yes my family think exactly the same, they haven't voiced it but that's how it's percieved, nevermind that I worked full time when I met DH had just bought my own house and DH wouldn't have touched me with a barge pole had I needed making It must be a generational thing.