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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be so upset with my mother

23 replies

soulsu · 11/04/2009 21:20

I returned to work full time in January after being off for a year on maternity leave. Throughout the year my mother did not visit us as regularly as I hoped she would, I reckon she visited us no more than handful of times in the year. I repeatedly got upset about this and spoke to her each time about this. We did see her regularly as I would visit her. However she is never out of my sister's house even if it is just for a few minutes as she is passing by. I live a 20 minute walk away or 5 minutes on the bus, my sister is only a 5 minute walk away.

Anyway, she has not been to visit since before Christmas, I regularly say pop round for a coffee etc but she never does. Last night, I said to her she had not been round for ages and it would be good if she could visit, she was keen and said she would, I spoke to her again this morning and she said I'll see you this afternoon. However, at lunchtime she phoned to say did I want to go for a walk, I told I was not keen, 2 hours pass and no visit, she then phones and speaks to DH and says she is going for a walk.

I have spent the remainder of the day intermittently in tears. Although we see her regularly, I feel that she could make an effort to come round once in a while.

She is busy, she fosters two little boys but this does not stop her going into town most days nor visiting my sister. She also takes my daughter a couple of days a week for me and I drop her off at my mum's and pick her up from there, however, if she wasn't minding DD she would barely see her.

I feel so upset today! AIBU to expect a visit once in a while?

OP posts:

herbietea · 11/04/2009 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chegirl · 11/04/2009 21:26

YANBU if it upsets you.

Can I make a suggestion? Do you think your mum may feel a little pressured by you and is subconsciously backing off?

I am not suggesting thats ok but it sounds as if you tell her she doesnt come round enough every time she does come round. You do seem to see her a lot and maybe she cant see there is an issue?

I dont blame you for being upset though. My mum and dad used to drive down to London and not bother to visit me or tell me they had been. I used to get very upset about it but they couldnt see the problem. I used to visit them by bus/tube/coach/bus.

feralgirl · 11/04/2009 21:32

Sorry but I agree with Herbie.

When was the last time you took her a bunch of flowers or offered to cook her a meal to say thanks for looking after DD? Or offered to babysit for her?

Original poster

soulsu · 11/04/2009 21:32

Herbietea you are right it doesn't matter whose house you are in but, it really does upset me, for what reason, I do not know. I think as she is never out of my sister's I feel a little left out possibly. Childish I know.

Chegirl - I do see her a lot and she probably can't see the issue, but it really gets to me.

I suppose I just need some perspective! Thanks

OP posts:

Swedes · 11/04/2009 21:33

She sounds like a lovely Mum but it's horrid that you feel so upset too. Is it possible you might be over-imagining how much your Mother and sister see of each other? Two days a week minding your daughter, fostering two little boys, fitting in seeing your sister - does she have much in the way of spare time? Was it unreasonable that she wanted to go for a walk?

Original poster

soulsu · 11/04/2009 21:34

feralgirl, i regularly treat her to lunch and take small gifts, whether that be chocs, flowers or a book. Her childminding is never taken for granted nor unappreciated. but as I said thanks for the perspective!

OP posts:

Daffodingles2 · 11/04/2009 21:39

Is there any reason why she might not want to come to your house, other than the distance etc. Do you have pets? does she like your dp? anything at all?

nightcrawler · 11/04/2009 21:42

Do you visit her? Sounds like no, lately. This does rather sound like what you would like, rather than what would suit you both. The most recent event seemed to involve you asking her to visit, but she preferred to go for a walk, which you declined. You still expect her to come round? Why?
Your mother is clearly a lively, busy person who does a demanding job looking after her foster children. She also looks after your DD 2 days a week. And you expect this exhausted but clearly exceptional woman to go out of her way to visit you? Why?
I would really like to be mean but I don't like to be nasty. Think - why would your Mum prefer to visit your sister rather than you?
Also - why should your Mum be doing all the visiting?
PS - She is perfectly entitled to go into town, BTW.

angrypixie · 11/04/2009 21:44

YABU

She goes out of her way to support you, caring for your DD etc Sounds like sibling rivalry gone mad
'But you go to her house more than mine.....it's not faaaaaiiiiiiiir!'
Sorry if that's mean but you sound so churlish - particularly to people who would love their mothers to show any interest, never mind 2 days childcare!!!!

Original poster

soulsu · 11/04/2009 21:46

I have wondered why she doesn't manage round, I jokingly texted her this afternoon saying I was beginning to wonder if my house smells, it doesn't by the way! She thinks DH is lovely and he is and we do not have any pets. I think she just doesn't think. Swedes, she is lovely and it wasn't unreasonable that she would want to go for a walk but I was really looking forward to a wee visit from her and she knew this. Anyway, I've got a wee bit of thinking to do. I have just texted her as she is out tonight asking if she is having a good time, hopefully she will not be too p'd off.

OP posts:

Original poster

soulsu · 11/04/2009 21:57

Ok, point taken, I posted to get some thoughts, opinions etc and put things in perspective, think I've got it.

Nightcrawler, go on be nasty, I really would like to know what you think, after all I'm after all kinds of points of view.

OP posts:

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 11/04/2009 22:02

Soulsu, I'm going to be fairly frank. If I were in your mother's position and I were behaving like this, it would indicate that I felt deep down there was a problem between me and you, and not such a problem between me and your sister.

So perhaps a little open-hearted soul-searching might help? You don't need to tell us, but I think you need to ask yourself honestly whether your relationship is as good as it could be, and whether your relationship is as good as the one your mother and sister share. Might you have inadvertently hurt your mother without realising it? I think you should very gently ask her as well, and be prepared to apologise if you have hurt her (even if you didn't realise/ intend to hurt).

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 11/04/2009 22:04

Sorry, that should say "it 'could' indicate..."

daisydoris · 11/04/2009 22:11

It's difficult with mothers. Mine the total opposite calls in all time for say 5 mins a day after me and DH come home from work knackered, but never watches the children. Never offers. I don't ask now even. I work full time so does she, so I suppose I can't expect it. However, some people are very lucky and have a break now and again. Some even monthly- god I can't imagine a night out. MY mil is the same she doesn't even work. I pay for full time child minding and she is brilliant with the kids- thank goodness. I wouldn't worry about it as long as ur mother is seeing her grand children. I know how things bug me though so try forget about it and don't take it personally.

nightcrawler · 11/04/2009 22:14

soulsu - no, you don't want, or need, me, or anyone to be nasty. I generally think that nastiness is usually unnecessary and that just chatting around the issue will sort most stuff. I do have a suppressed nasty streak (as do we all), and it is probably best that it stays suppressed. Most issues can be resolved by other means, I find.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/04/2009 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Boys2mam · 12/04/2009 20:26

I don't think you're being U - I have a similiar issue with my MIL (she NEVER visits but nor does she look after the DC's either) and it really bugs me at times. She actively seeks out by DP's kids with his ex-p but our DS is only seen if we visit her (or if we leave it long enough, sometimes she does phone to ask to see him).

No suggestions, but lots of empathy

Boys2mam · 12/04/2009 20:28

that is meant to read "MY dp's kids"

sazzerbear · 12/04/2009 20:33

Just enjoy the time you do spend with your mum, it's not as if your dd misses out either. My Mum lives abroad so I only see her approx every 3 months and my MIL an hour away so we have infrequent visits from her (we have to do the majority of the travelling) and no childcare help either!

Dillydaydreamer · 12/04/2009 20:35

YABU, think yourself lucky you see her every week and she looks after dd for you 2 days per week. I see mine about 3 times per year and they don't even offer to get up in the morning if we or they stay to give us a short lie in together, or even to the park for an hour!

Dillydaydreamer · 12/04/2009 20:37

Oh and fwiw my mother has DBs dd overnight until 10/11am so DB can have a lie in after a night out with SIL

Sidge · 12/04/2009 20:39

I think YABU as it sounds like all contact with your mum is on your terms not hers.

You see her regularly enough (at least 4 times a week) and she sounds like she is pretty busy. She offered to go for a walk with you but you declined. If you wanted to see her that badly you would have met up with her.

To me this sounds less like you want to see your mum and more like you are resentful that she sees your sister more (is she really never out of your sister's? How do you know?)

I think you should be chuffed that you have so much support from your mum and even though you do appreciate her you need to rely on her less in terms of socialising.

Original poster

soulsu · 12/04/2009 20:49

Yes you are right I probably do rely on her on a number of levels, she is great but to expect a visit is it really that unreasonable? I know I am really lucky and from reading others experience who don't have any help at all I probably appreciate her that wee bit more. Anyway I posted as needed some opinions, now I've got them, thanks.

OP posts:

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