Dp has gone out lunchtime today and stopping over tonight at a mates. he rarely goes out and has been having a hard time, losing his job on top of everything else. I encouraged him to go.
I started getting a migraine before he went, but MIL was coming over to see us later and would take ds out for a bit if I was feeling crap. She was also going to take me shopping to get stuff desperately needed (I had to bake cake for her party tomorrow adn we were nearly out of food).
By the time she got here I was in agony, no painkillers in house, and throwing up constatnly. ds was getting freaked out. She brought me painkillers and took my shopping list saying she would come back later at ds bedtime and put him to bed.
Ds never stays in bed. I was in agony, still throwing up and MIL wanted to know if rather than going out with ds I wanted her to stay as she was worried about leaving me in that condition.
BAckground is when I get migraine that bad I get disorientated, clumsy, my vision goes and slur my words and I lose track of time so have to be monitored to make sure I don't overdose on painkillers (as I can't remember what I have taken or when). I also have habit of doing something stupid as pain just leaves me just completely unaware almost of my actions. Dp will never usually leave me alone let alone with ds and lodger is out all night as well. MIL couldn't stay as has big meeting tonight (not that it is her job to).
So when she left I phoned dp in hysterics begging him to come home. I would never and have never done this before. He said no so I hung up. I stupidly decided to have a bath and nearly drowned (having taken to many painkillers I realised later when I counted them) - I woke up as lodger came back to get something and slammed every door in the house (just generally noisy). I had slipped down in bath and mouth full of water.
I am furious with dp at mo. Head is ok at mo and I have stopped throwing up but it may come back when painkillers wear off from experience. I am just worried about being alone at home with ds when I can go downhill again and what if something happens. He hasn't even phoned back to check I'm ok.
I feel like I can't rely on him and I havne't got anyone else. There is a history to this being the only other time I begged him not to leave me adn help me out (I was fainting from tiredness as ds had terrible colic and wouldn't sleep for more than 10 mins at time and had been like that for motnhs - dp wasn't living with us at that point so was getting full nights sleep) he refused saying he couldn't let his friends down. This was when ds was baby so about 4 yrs ago.
Generally though he is fab and fully does his share of housework and taking care of ds without being asked. He has been brilliant support for me through the past few months with loadsa shit from my family.
And he is on his only night out in ages. And I am okish now and for the time being. And I am a grown up. But I was terrified, hysterical adn in pain and worried for ds safety. Dp has come home from work before (without being asked) because he won't usually leave me in that state alone - it worries him too much. He usually has to pin me down to stop me doing something stupid - things I would never in my rational mind normally do. It is a horrible thing and difficult to describe how much I lose any rationality or ability to do stuff. I just feel that when it comes to the worse I have no one I can completely rely on, now I don't have my family to do that. Not even dp.
AIBU