to be a little peeved at having to pay for our au pair do do anything and everything?

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Ok, possibly I'm being totally unreasonable, but I'm feeling robust and am ready for the caning I'm about to get ....

So, we've got a lovely au pair and my only gripe is that she is so totally relaxed with us (good thing) that she pretty much treats me as I imagine she would treat her own mum when we're out (not an ideal thing at all). For example, when we go to the supermarket, she'll either make off with my trolley or get her own, and just put anything and everything she fancies into it (Tesco Finest Organic stuff that I would never spend the money on myself, the best organic breakfast cereals etc.).

Also, she has 3 days off per week, and on these days I always say that she's still welcome to come with me (and DH if he's there too) wherever I'm going. However, if I'm going out for a girls night out or to lunch with friends, I'd probably prefer her not to come (but I'd never not let her come if she wants to) BUT I do then object to having to pay for a lunch/dinner/night out for someone who's only there as a bit of a favour. Even if she offered to pay, I'd feel happier about refusing and paying for her anyway, but I just feel a bit taken for granted.

We pay for absolutely everything she needs while she's with us, and pay her well above average, plus she's from a very wealthy family, so it's not like she can't pay.

Sooooo.....AIBU...?

A bit if you haven't told her how you want things to be.

You need to make it more like a job. Maybe type something up, and ask her to look over it. Maybe give her the option of deciding that ONE or TWO things not be her responsibility, cos we all have things we just can't face.

If she puts something really pricey into the trolley, say "yes, we can get cereal bars, but find a cheaper brand" and push them back at her. That way, you're still the good guy, still saying "yes"

YANBU. I know you are supposed to treat au pairs like a member of the family etc but in the end, you need time to yourself and she needs to get a life and make some friends of her own with whom she can spend her days off.

Do you know any other people with aupairs you could introduce her to or what about her language school/church/aupair agency?

Agree with Margot, you need to make it more like a job. I wouldnt take her shopping but give her a food allowance (say £25 per month) and tell her she can use it to buy her expensive biscuits/organic cereal etc. Obviously she is still allowed to eat family food but anyting "extra" that you wouldnt normally buy should come out of her allowance.

Sounds like you are treating her as a friend/guest rather than an employee. If she wants to come out with you make sure she knows each pays their way or whatever. Does she realise the difference in prices between brands, maybe she is used to choosing what she fancies or just thinks there isn't much between them, in which case give her budget for luxuries in your shop or don't take her shopping.

no, you aren't being unreasonable.
stop taking her shopping with you.
if you are going for a girl's night out or out to lunch then just don't invite her.

shes taking the mick a bit tbh. If you dont want her to come, tell her. Maybe you need to help her make some friends so she has somewhere to go on her days off.

Yes, you need to help her make some friends. Why isn't she socialising with her language school mates instead of you?

Oh, and don't go food shopping with her, Who has the kids whilst you and au-pair go shopping? That's her job really.

I think this sounds bonkers. You should b uy the family shop, not her. Either go to the supermarket without her or send her to shop with a list.

And just tell her you're going to lunch with friends and don't ask her along.

You are not being firm enough

Hmmmm...loads of very sensible comments - thanks! I've been told repeatedly that I treat our au pairs too much like friends and not as employees, and I have tried, but as soon as someone is living with me and caring for my DD and seeing me wander around in my nightdress, I simply can't see them as an employee and can only treat them as a friend. I know it's not ideal, but I've tried and failed to be different. Plus I've genuinely got on really well with this and our last au pair, so I'd feel a bit evil to try and treat them as an employee.

The trouble with having her own friends, is that her English is so good that when she called the language school to ask about lessons, they thought she wanted to teach (!!!) and said that she's way too good for any of the courses they have, so she basically hangs out with my friends and their DCs. Again, not a problem.

I will be firmer in the shops tho, and in fact today I refused the organic yogurt (ridiculous, but a triumph for me! And I've decided that before the next GNO I'll check that she's got enough money on her for the food and drinks.

Will be more disciplined in future - THANK YOU!!!

(SUCH a steep learning curve this having-an-au-pair thing. And this having-DCs-thing too for that matter! )

I wouldn't really treat her as an employee either. I'd treat her as a friend's adult daughter, I think. A young adult I felt fairly motherly to but without really knowing and most definitly not wanting to be good friends with.