Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to not go to friends wedding?

54 replies

cheekster · 09/04/2009 23:06

I know, I know, this has probably been done to hell!

BUT...

DF is getting married in July, a 4 hour drive away on a monday. DH, DS (8 months) and I are invited to the whole day. Ive just recieved the invite today and found out she is getting married on a MONDAY?????. Maybe its just me, but I assumed she would be getting married on a saturday and when she asked if I could make it before I recieved the invite and the actual date I told her we would defo be going.

Well, with it being on a monday it means DH and I taking 2 days off work, not too bad for me but it will be very unlikely that DH will be able to have the days off. So that means me going alone with DS, which TBH I really dont want to as Im not happy with driving all that way alone with DS (Im not too confident driving places I dont know). Plus, Im not keen on struggling with DS all day alone (I know single mums will cringe at that comment)

If DH could get the day off we would be losing out on roughly £600 in wages plus the cost of petrol, hotel, drinks etc. We cant really afford it.

But she is a good friend and is the kind of person who would stamp her feet if I didnt go. She has already text me about another friend within our circle who has declined and she was very cross with her 'lame excuse' when she said she cannot afford it.

AIBU to decline???

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekster · 09/04/2009 23:38

DSM as I said, I am not annoyed about the choice of day, but rather that I wasnt told about it until now.

But IMO, I agree with glucose, getting married on a monday is crazy!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekster · 09/04/2009 23:41

No, Nancy he's self employed but a subcontractor so cannot have days off whenever he needs them.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 09/04/2009 23:44

If she is a good friend i think you should try to go. she is giving you three month's notice to get something organised.

Pain in the arse being on a Monday, I know, but it's her big day.

Original poster
cheekster · 09/04/2009 23:49

Youre probably right Nancy, but I bet come July, Ill be wishing Id declined. It will be such a hassle!

OP posts:
Cailleachna · 10/04/2009 00:20

We got married on a Monday; it was the date that was important to us - 5 years to the day since we first got together. Again, we had friends travelling from a great distance (West Yorkshire to West Sussex) and most of the people we invited were happy to be there. So, YABU about the day.

However, if you really can't do it, then it is not her place to get foot-stampy about it. Think about it very carefully but better to be honest well in advance than tell her you'll be there and then drop out at the last minute. I've been on both sides of the argument - I missed a friend's wedding years ago due to horrendous planning on my part and regret it still - if you're reading this you know who you are, and I'm VERY VERY SORRY! And then a friend who actually lived very nearby rang me on the morning of my wedding and told me she couldn't make it because she had a job interview - now unless they rang her THAT MORNING to invite her in, and it was a really important job, I was a bit pissed that she couldn't let me know sooner. We had a very restricted guest list due to being skint at the time and there were others who would have loved to come that couldn't because I'd invited her. So give her plenty of notice if you're not going.

Original poster
cheekster · 10/04/2009 00:39

I think the only people who think IABU are those who have previously got married on a monday.
I cant believe so many other people have got married on a monday - Ive never heard of it before.

Whatever happened to the tradition of getting married on a saturday?

OP posts:
thumbbunny · 10/04/2009 00:41

too expensive and not enough saturdays to go around.

Original poster
cheekster · 10/04/2009 00:45

And that my friend is dead rich but dead tight, sorry but sooooooo true.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 10/04/2009 14:13

4hrs drive each way is a long way and would be nice to stay the night

maybe drive down sunday afternoon and stay in travel lodge - you can get rooms for £29.99) and then leave 8/9pm on the monday and put ds in pjs and just transfer him to bed at home

did your friend not give the date at all - i know people assume weddings are on a saturday - but many arent - ours was a wednesday, though had reception on a saturday

my friend is getting married on 09/09/09 which is a wednesday

tribpot · 10/04/2009 14:28

Yes, that's what I would do too, although would probably only stay for the ceremony and a few drinkies and push off before the meal.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 10/04/2009 14:29

i think there is unreasonableness on both parts

there is no law that says you have to get married on a saturday. if they want to get married on a monday, that is theri choice, you acnnot expect people to get married at your convenience

she will be unreasonable to expect people to come regardless of the cost, losing £600 in wages and paying for everything else would make it totallyl impossible, and she needs to understand that

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/04/2009 14:30

I think YABU. Surely the bride and groom should be able to choose any day they like, regardless of whether a Saturday or not? Lots of people work weekends so its no guarantee on any day that all will be able to attend.

Depends on how much you actually want to go, sounds like you dont really want to and are look for excuses not to go. If your DH would lose £600 wages for the day, then a hotel for the night and a babys sitter for the day dont sound like they would have too much of a financial impact.

Far better to say now that you dont want to go than expect and pull out at the last minute.

DandyLioness · 10/04/2009 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

frankiecat · 10/04/2009 14:50

just joined this thread - my wedding is on a tues soon. i know some people who would be travelling who might be put off, esp as it's a weekday. that's fair enough. it's only about me and him. if people can make it great, if they can't then we understand. also - some people have had evening invites only cos we can't afford to pay for everyone we would like for the day, but if they are coming from a way and have had to take the day off anyway, it looks bad not to invite them to the day too! i'm sure we have upset some people with that. i work saturdays too, and it costs far too much to have a weekend wedding anyway

hedgiemum · 10/04/2009 15:00

We got married on a Sunday as it was the only way to get the venue we wanted in the time frame we needed - it was actually more expensive than the Saturday as waiting staff had to be paid time and a half!

Even so, we had 2 sets of DS's friends who couldn't come, as it was too far for them to enjoy the Reception and then get home ready for monday morning at work. They gave plenty of notice - the annoying one's are those who cancel at last minute.

I would be honest with the friend about your problems, she might have a partial solution such as someone who could offer you a lift, or someone you could stay with etc.. But worst case scenario, she would have no right to be offended. (And even if you can't attend, send a nice present and heartfelt card. We turn down wedding invites fairly regularly, but always send a gift anyway.)

BexieID · 10/04/2009 15:10

I met DP in RL for the first time on wednesday 26th July 2000 and would love to get married on that day/date too. However, the next wednesday 26th July is not until 2017! I had only just moved to Scotland in 2006 when the last one was.

Original poster
cheekster · 10/04/2009 15:32

happymumofone, who are you to judge about the cost of the wedding 'not being too much of a finiancial impact' beacuse DH earns £600 a day????? As a matter of fact, it would be £600 over the two days, both our wages together, what I earn and DH.

Surely you should have learnt by now that you cannot judge other people on mnet like that, you dont know anything about me and certainly nothing about our finances!

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 10/04/2009 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

islandofsodor · 10/04/2009 15:38

As a sub-contractot you would need to factor in not just the lost wages, but any penalty cluses if you get behind on a job and it isn;t finished in time.

I would decline. My dh teaches and he is not able to get time off in term time full stop.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/04/2009 15:39

are you both self employed? if not then surely you could book the day off and still be paid for it?

it is over 2mths away so sure the time could be taken off with ease

bexieid - we got married on our anniversary - hence being a wednesday

DandyLioness · 10/04/2009 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsjammi · 10/04/2009 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dingledangle · 10/04/2009 15:42

YANBU if you cannot afford it.....

If she wants to stamp her foot tell her the reason why......

If she says it is a lame excuse well ask her to give you the lost earnings and see what she says . If she really wants you to come maybe she will reimburse you!

compo · 10/04/2009 15:43

oh yes we went to one wedding on a bank holiday Monday - got stuck in nightmare traffic, friend of ours paid treble what he otherwise would have done in a taxi, had to take the Tuesday off work
also went to a wedding on a Friday, had to take Thurs and Fri off work, was not happy
think it's a bit mean to expect people to take their A/L to go to a wedding, and that is before the hen night/stag do, one friend is having her hen night in Magalouf for 3 nights, asked me to go, er no way, cost £££ and wold have to take A/L

Original poster
cheekster · 10/04/2009 15:44

DH is self employed but a subcontractor (read what islandofsodor says - thanks for understanding the hassle of being a subcomntractor)

I am infact a part time teacher but dont work on a monday, however do private tuition on a monday so although I can easily cancel on that day, I will obviously not be paid.

OP posts: