to not go out with my friend on her birthday this year?

[onthepier]

I have a good friend who, although we don't see each other all the time, lives locally + we meet up every few months.

She's in her mid-thirties + single, (still lives at home!), whereas I'm married with children. Out of her group of friends (about 6 of them), there's only one other who have partners + children, + I'm always invited out with them all on her birthday which is coming up soon.

I always go but to be honest rarely enjoy it, I feel like a fish out of water, yet one year my friend seemed a bit put out that I (genuinely!) couldn't make it. I get on well with people generally, but I can't seem to find any common ground with this group! I ask about their jobs/holidays etc + they're perfectly polite to me, but have never asked about my kids/work or anything.

We always start at one of the other's houses, have a drink but there's loud, blasting music playing the whole time which makes conversation difficult, wander along to a pub, go to a few more, (again, music dominating everything so you can't hear yourself think, let alone speak!) I always offer to buy a round as the others do, have to strain to hear what they want to drink, (weird concoctions which I'm sure I sometimes get wrong!) We then finish up at a "roughish" pub until 1, 2 am! Nobody really speaks other than, "Who's out tonight, there's so-and-so!" Obviously people I don't know as this group are there several times a week!

There's one other who'd always rather be home by midnight, but the others just can't understand that we'd like to make a move earlier, so we tend to sit it out + all share two taxis at the end of the night.

The others tend to sleep off the hangover all day Sunday, before meeting at that same pub again at 5 pm for the evening! The next day my friend always phones, saying what a great night it was + thanks me for coming, but I find these evenings pointless!

Now if a few of us go for a pub meal/bowling/cinema etc I enjoy it, but on these occasions some of the others have seemed bored, + made it quite clear once they thought a pub I'd suggested was "too quiet"! Myself + my dh (together with friends sometimes), often spend a happy Saturday evening there for 3 hours or so, but with this lot I don't think we lasted half an hour!

When I meet this friend at other times, it tends to be in a coffee shop at lunch time, our local chinese buffet of an evening or cinema. I don't tend to suggest these options as much now, as I'm wondering if she finds them/+ me boring!

Have just been texted asking if I'm free to go out with them on her birthday next week, really don't want to + will make an excuse this time. Want to suggest we go out on our own the following week, but wonder if she really enjoys this now.

You are each responsible for your own choices, so if you don't want to go (sounds fair enough to me, I'd rather chew my knees off than spend an evening like that) then say you can't. Likewise if you suggest something and she doesn't fancy it, then that is up to her to say. Ultimately if you both like to socialise in different ways and with different types of people, you will have to compromise or question how valuable the friendship is.

If you tell her you can't go, and offer an alternative meet up later, why woudl she have a problem with that? She obviously likes you and enjoys your company or she wouldn't keep inviting you along. If she doesn't want to have a quieter evening with just the 2 of you, then no doubt she will tell you so or make an excuse as to why she can't do it.

Just because her group of friends like one type of evening out, it doesn't make her that one-dimensional. Perhaps she values you even more BECAUSE you are different and offer alternatives. I had various different groups of friends for different activities - some for clubbing, some for going to the cinema, some for sports things - some of them crossed over into other groups, and many didn't. BUt they were all my friends and equally important to me to spend time with.

I think you have to be honest. She has to accept that not all of her friends will have something in common with each other even if they have something in common with her. My two dearest friends actually don't like each other very much - they are of course polite but realised early on that they have nothing in common and have very different ideas so both gently suggested that they might not come to the same meetups. Fine by me - everyone is different! One friend is very career-orientated and likes skiing, the other is very much an earth mother and goes caravanning. They just don't mix together.

So... why not ring her and explain that you're "getting a bit old for all this young person's late night clubbing milarkey" and would she like to come out for lunch with you next week for her birthday instead?