to feel annoyed with my mother about this?

[PlumpChocEggyBaps]

A small thing, maybe but here's the thing.

For background, I (alone out of us 6 children) have taken mum to hospital for many and various appointments, operations etc over the last few years. I have brought cared for her at her home, bought shopping, moved furniture etc. Yet she has still moaned to my siblings that I don't pull my weight.

So. Some of us are due to visit one of my brothers soon. Mum is awaiting a heart bypass op and feels she can't drive so far. (It's a one and a half hour drive). She does drive around for various theatre trips, WI meetings, art classes etc. My sister's car is full. Ours is full. Brothers don't drive. Mum suggested to my sis that her fiance doesn't go so mum can get in their car. Sis said no. Eventually I asked DH if we could take both our cars so I can take mum. He said yes.

BUT. She has now asked me if we can set off early so that we can take a break on the way. It's only an hour and a half. I feel (perhaps unreasonably) quite annoyed by this. Am I? Unreasonable, that is?

Obviously should be no 'brought' in 3rd sentence!

YANBU to feel annoyed about it,just take a deep breath and let the frustration wash over you

Older people always seem to need breaks or at least my in-laws do so that in itself is not unreasonable.

I suspect you're understandably just a bit fed up of always being the one to have to do stuff for her - so not unreasonable to feel irritated.

Is there rally a problem stopping ?

No-o-o not really, Twims, except that it makes it a longer trip, I suppose. And that possibly ds2 might be asleep as that's his nap time. I just feel a bit put-upon, IYSWIM. (Even though I made the offer of the lift)

Will have to practice taking deep breaths. Will probably end up hyperventilating.

It is a little unreasonable to be annoyed with her for wanting to stop - but, given the context, I am not surprised you feel the way you do. Do you know for definate that she says things to your siblings about you not pulling your weight? And is there a reason you have been left to do anything, ie do they all live miles away? I would seriously consider addressing this issue, it sounds as if it is a real source of stress, and YANBU in that respect!

I think you are misdirecting your irritation.

YABU to feel aggrieved about her complaining about you when you feel you do the lion's share of looking after her. She ought to show appreciation if you do all these things for her.

It is not unreasonable to stop on a 90 minute journey though. Maybe her pelvic floor isn't what it once was?

Sadly it seems that those who are closest to their ailing parents seem to be the ones overlooked. Red carpet treatment is often reserved for the offspring who rarely visit when those regular bedpan changers seem to just get the grumpy side.

I understand it would be annoying for her to ask for you to change your plans, especially as she doesn't seem to acknowledge what you do for her. I usually think those who are driving get to dictate the time you leave, however it is a minor thing and if it were me I'd probably just go along with it.

JemL- yes, I know for definite- because they all tell me! I'm not sure why, really. My brothers do all live miles away, my sister is nearer to mum than I am, but is the youngest of the family so has always been a bit mollycoddled. We all have issues with mum but my brothers use it as an excuse to do nothing, even when they are in a position to help. And anyway, I'm the 'sensible' one. (As opposed to the pretty one, the clever one, the arty one etc etc)

Part of me would love to confront the issues, but we're just not that kind of family.

Damn. You are all right, I know. Humph.

Duffy- AFAIK her pelvic floor is fine. But she has a travel potty thing that she uses sometimes! Would definitely rather stop for a 'comfort break'! The reason she gave was in case she felt 'queasy'. I don't know if that was supposed to be a reference to my driving.....

Baps (ChocEggy ones are so much nicer than soggy ones aren't they!!)...

I will send you some padding for the wall... I fear you getting a lump on your head!!

You (and DH) are very good to her, especially all considered. I think you will have to start saying 'No' sometimes though and make your brothers and sisters pick up the slack.

Being the sensible (or taken for bloody granted, unappreciated one), is crappy.

IMO you will be the one needing a break halfway there

Chipping- I'll look out for the padding- thanks!

I think you're probably right re the break. I wonder if anyone would take any notice of a slightly hysterical 40 year old woman screaming into a pillow......

Plump - golly - I can understand completely!!!

I am one of six and do all the hospital trips, outings, shopping, DIY etc etc and have done for many years - my siblings excuse was always they are too busy as they had children...now I have one, they still don't help and expect me to carry on as before but with dd along. One sis helps a bit but can;t do much as lives far away.

Your sis could have agreed to take your mum not fair for you guys to take two cars.

as for chippingin - I tried that too....they don't pick up the slack.

At least my mum doesn't complain about my efforts but she does expect me to be there for her as she has no one else reliable and she feels so sad that the others dont help.