To have lost my temper with XMIL (have namechanged)

[SillyOldBat]

(i have namechanged in case anyone involved uses MN so they don't know my username)

Ok, the background is..

I was in a ralationship with this guy, he was very much under the thumb of his mum from the start, but we used to managede because me and his mum used to get along, i feel pregnant to XP and we moved into our own house.

Even this was dictated by the old crow because she wouldn't let us move where we wanted to because she didn't think i would cope with having a baby

Somewhere in all this XPs DSister and her DP had some problems, and X-MIL thought that her DDs DP would take her DGD with him when he left as he was a SAHD, she cried loads over this, theough thought of not seeing her DGD seemed to upset her alot (understandably)

Anyway, our baby came along, i proved myself to her and we moved to the place we wanted to move to anyway, now XP had been violent for most of our relationship, but it only really got serious when i became pregnant and a couple of months after moving into our house that was away from our family he got particularly violent and ended up hurting my DS, and me, but it was the fact that he had hurt DS that made me end the relationship.

The immediate aftermath of this was his mum and dad getting quite aggressive towards me, saying they want everything they have ever given us back, including the washing machine, which i dumped mine because they bought us a new one.

XP was charged, X-MIL came crawling back, apologising, obviously having realised that if she wanted to be in DSs life then she needs to sort herself out.

So that is the background!

In recent times...

X-MIL didn't bother coming to see DS, I decided i wasn't going to chase her to be a grandparent and she didn't see DS for 3 months, and the only reason she saw him after that 3 months is because it was X-FILs birthday and i didn't want to not turn up, i thought they might want to see him. I went to their house and X-FIL barely even looked at DS, X-MIL did sort of make an effort but when i tried to talk to her about why she hadn't been in DSs life, she got upset and started crying, i gave her a hug and calmed her down but left that day feeling frustrated because it meant i hadn't got to say what i wanted to say.

I went to see her the next day in the hope of being able to arrange some kind of regular contact between her and DS, she used to dote on him and play with him, and i wanted DS to have as many people in his life to love him as possible. We got on great, things seemed as it used to be, we talked about my XP and how i wished he would meet someone so he could stop hassling me, and mentioned i had been talking to a guy but i hadn't told XP because it was easier for him not to know because he would just give me grief.

She made lots of promises of how she will be in DSs life, and i believed her.

I went to see her the next week, she loved having DS around (seemingly)

The next week i thought i would wait for her to see how we are before i invited myself over, just in case she didn't in fact want me there, i left it over a week but then found out XP had lost his job, so i decided i should go see her as once XP stopped working he would be at home alot and i wouldnt go ove if he was there.

I had left my mobile at somebodys house so i couldn't text her to see if she was about, so i went to her house to ask if she would be about the next day, she spoke to me on the doorstep as i was only passing and had left DS in the car, she didn't even look in the car nor notice he had chicken pox.

Anyway, i start getting hassling emails off XP today saying ranting about my new 'boyfriend' and that he would be going to a party so hopes to get his leg over.

I feel disappointed that X-MIL had told him as we used to speak alot in confidence about all sorts of things but realised that she didn't have any obligation to keep my secrets and i should have been more careful instead of assuming she would keep it to herself.

So i called her and asked her why she had told him i had a boyfriend, she hung up, so i called back and talked really quick, said what i needed to say and she told me that i can't shout at her, i was really upset but wasn't shouting, i may have been talking louder becausde i was trying to get out what i wanted to say before she hung up on me again.

Anyway i ended up getting annoyed at her, telling her what i though of her (just about her not seeing DS and wanting him to know all his granparents) she made a comment about she doesn't even feel up to seeing "her own children" let alone anyone elses, never mind the fact that he is her grandson and should have been more important to her than her violent, nasty, aggressive son because her son was old enough to defend himself, my DS wasn't!

I told her that her wheelbarrow, that i had been trying to get her to pick up since i split up with XP, would be outside the house, and if she didn't pick it up i am sure someone else would come and get it, she then went off the hook and said she wanted anything she had every given to be, including the washing machine that i dumped mine for because they bought us a new one as a housewarming gift, knifes and forks, again i had got rid of mine once we had their (secondhand) cutlery they didn't want anymore, and more!

So i told her that i would give her one more chance to be in DSs life then she got her DH to come on the phone telling me i had one more chance, WTF, i am giving them a chance to be in their (supposedly D)GSs life and they are trying to tell me what i can and can't do

So i have left the wheelbarrow out of the front of the house, i am pretty sure that no-one would take it in daylight but once it got dark maybe someone would be tempted to tack it home.

So AIBU for giving her a piece of my mind and for putting her wheelbarrow outside?

I know i could have handled it better, but i was just so wound up, it has been sizzling for ages, especially as i know that X-MIL was so destrought over the fact that she didn't think she would ever see her DGD again when her DD and DD's DP nearly split up

Oops, that was just alot longer than i thought it would be

Wow. Does she acknowledge that her son was physically and verbally agressive to you? She doesn't dispute that does she??

i read your post, I can relate to a lot of it very personally and I just want to ask you that before I answer some more.

As sad as it is to face up to I think you need to let her go, in the long run your DS will be so much better off, she raised her own child to be a wife beater, don't let her near your child

i dont think you are being unreasonable

(and i hope someone does steel the wheel barrow!)

I'm sorry, but you sound a bit over-sensitve to me (not about your ex obviously)...there is no need to see grandparents more often than now and again IMO, and maybe you would both benefit from some time to cool down and take things more slowly to get used to your new relationship. Leavng the wheelbarrow out isn't going to mend any bridges. Be the bigger person, take a step back, and resist the urge to issue ultimatums would be my instinct, but of course you must do what you thnk is best. Have a drink and try and calm down!

You have been great so far at trying to include them in your DS's life and very forgiving....

Her behaviour is dispicable and her attitude appalling.

There are plenty of other people that will become a part of your DS's life, you and he don't need people like this.

It is sad, for him, of course not to know his Dad/paternal grandparents and in an ideal world this would not be the case. But TBH with people like this, I'd be grateful if they stayed away.

Not BU to put the wheelbarrow outside (she's been told) and NU to have given her a piece of your mind (possibly unreasonable not to have given her more of it though!!!!).
x

I think you've got your message across without making the wheelbarrow an issue

Margo - She does acknowledge that her son was abusive, but only when she is moaning about how crap her life is and has put the breakdown of mine and XPs relationship as the main reason she doesn't want to leave the house. She doesn't care about the fact that DS and I were hurt, just how it affected her

Kimi - She didn't only raise her DS to be violent but her DD too, to her DP, only time will tell if her DS2 will turn out that way also

BOF - I can see where you are coming from, i only saw my granparents very occasionally because i was born in a different country to them, but i guess it is because she wanted to see her other DGC but not to bother with DS, she said she didn't want to leave the house, but you don't need to go out to phone/text to ask after them, especially as DS has a heart conditiona and has had an OP, he is under the hospital and she didn't bother asking about when he next has to have an OP. It's more than her not being in his life, it about her not caring!

All the more reason to keep the whole lot of them out of your childs life, if they are that stupid that the only way they can behave is with their fist you are well rid....

She sounds very self-obssessed.

There are plenty of children who grow up without gps you know, and plenty who grow up without fathers.

You just need to decide whether you think having any gp is better than none. It's the same question as any boyfriend better than no boyfriend. In most cases the answer is pretty obvious.

Good luck.

It's not like DS will go without GPs, m parent dote on him, especially as he is their only grandchild, they spoil him rotton.

But i don't want DS to grow up thinking he wasn't loved by those who should have loved him, or thinking that i could have done more for them to be in his life.

I guess he is going to grow up with only one set of grandparents, but at least then he won't have anyone in his life who doesn't give a stuff!

So do you think i should bring the wheelbarrow in before it gets dark? I know i will be trying to give it back forever (and im not about to muddy up my new car by taking it over to theirs)

You no longer need to have a relationship with her. Occassionally, she will see the children, preferably when they're with their Dad.

So, just resist the urge to reason with her, or to plead for more time from her for your children, to defend yourself, to defend your choices, to go over old ground. RESIST Resist resist.

When I left my x (he was abusive physically and verbally) I felt more betrayed by his mother. She stuck her head in the sand and refused to acknowledge that he really had been abusive to me (even though I'd told her about a couple of incidents, and she'd seen the bruises). I felt stabbed in the back by her, and illogically, I think I hate her more than I hate her son after 2 yrs away from them both. And he's the one who treated me badly, so it's not fair, but I can't help it. She was a woman and rightly or wrongly I expected some tiny bit of loyalty or solidarity from her. Instead she tried to make out I was mentally ill and supported her son's attempt to take me to court for residency. (this was only dropped when they had to admit to their solicitor that they hadn't paid me a cent in 2 yrs).

I went through a phase of trying to reason with my xmil, I used every argument I could think of..... all I wanted was to get away from a man who was aggressive to me and treated me like shit!! But I have realised now that it can not be done. She's a very, very strong character a bulldozer, and she prefers her fictional version of events which casts her as the wronged martyr, than the truthfu version, which obviously casts her as the mother of an abusive arsehole.

She now sees very, very little of her children. I never chase her around. Never. If she wants to see the children she can do that when they're with their Dad. I have nothing to do with her.

And it feels GOOOOOOOOOOOD

xmil! who is she again??

sorry I mean, she sees little of her grandchildren.

are you me?/ you have described pretty acutrately my xmil.

Margo - DSs father doesn't see him, i have told him that he is welcome to if he organises contact through a contact centre, but he hasn't bothered.

I do actually feel very angry towards her for stirring everything, i used to be able to tell her everything and when she told XP i had a 'boyfriend' i felt annoyed because for one, i told her it would stir things up if XP knew, and for two, i didn't have a boyfriend anyway, i just told her i had been talking to a very nice guy online. I feel stupid because i should have known not to say anything to her, it just seemed as though things had gone back to how they used to be.

When i kicked XP out he hassled me to get all of his stuff back now and even though i was told i didn't have to do whgat he said and that i should do things when I was ready i ran around like a headless chicken getting as much of his stuff ready as i could in two hours, got my parents over to look after DS whilst i did it and arranged for a PC to be there.

When they got there i had no thanks, they were shouting abuse at me through the window because i wouldnt let them in before the PC got there (they arrived early) they complained there wasn't enough stuff, they trod down my newly laid grass (right next to my path) and walked mud all down my hall. But the thing that upset me the most is she told me that i had 'betrayed her trust when i got the police in' and afterwards she was trying to convince me thast i didn't need to only let XP have contact in a contact centre.

Grr,

The wheelbarrow is still there, do you think i should get it in now it is getting dark?

I know what you mean, my babys dad isnt in his life but his family are and they only bother with him every now and again . She would sit and tell me things about him and say it wasnt right way he treated us both and then next time talk say something different and stick by him.... As the storys goes , mums most of the time stick by their children no matter what , they might not like what way the treat other people ... Just say nothing to her about anything in your life and let her get in touch if she wants to see her granchild , in time when your child is older he will make up his own mind about that side of his family , but will always look to you as your the one stable and always in his life

By communicating with somebody you publicly elevate their status in their life. It proves that there is some sort of relationship between the two of you if you are in communication (even if you are arguing)

I think the way to make it clear that she has been relegated is to cease communication with her.

It worked for me. I have inner peace, weeeeeeeelllllllll, she can't make me angry any more becuase I never hear from her.

You both sound as bad as each other to be honest. YABU for losing your temper, what did you hope to gain by that? Other than sink to her level!

Margo, i do actually feel much happier tioday because i feel as though the stuff i said needed saying, and although it possibly wasn't the best way to say things i feel feel a huge burden has been lifted, I now know that X-MIL doesn't see DS as her family and she is not going to make an effort to see him.

The reason i had started to see her in the first place is because after not seeing her for so long i mentioned it to XP and he said that i was as much to blame as her because i wasn't getting in contact with her, and i believed him and started making more of an effort, but it was all one sided.

I don't want to have to chase her to be a grandparent to my son, i have given her enough chances (and i think like you i actually feel more annoyed at her than XP )

It's amazing how much better i feel today, only this morning did i realise how heavily it had been resting on my shoulders.

I forgot to put the wheelbarrow away when they didn't come and collect it, no body stole it, i kind of wish they had, it being there is just a reminder of the whole feud.

See, living in a nice area does has its downsides

YANBU but stop chasing around after her. Get DS to send birthday/christmas/easter cards etc (and enclose a picture he's done for grandma) but don't worry if you don't hear anything back.

DS will know when he's older that you encouraged contact (even just via post) and that she knew where you lived etc. He'll draw his own conclusions about why grandma never wrote back or phoned him.

On the wheelbarrow front, stick it back in your shed and continue to use it. I think she just wants the upperhand and to have you running around after her.

If she does keep in contact and goes on about 'her' belongings, maybe start saving a little if you can and begin to replace the items. Personally, I'd phone a friend and get some help to drop it all back in her front garden so she won't have any hold over you. Hastle, but once it's back at her house, it won't be something she can keep bringing up.

You're doing great and I'm sure your DS won't think you haven't tried.

judt read the op. i think your are naive in the extreme if you truly blieved you could tell the mother of your ex that you had a new boyfriend and for that information not to get back.

i also think that perhaps you like the drama? i can't for the life of me see why anyone would fill their days with such nasty purile negative shit - on both sides.

if shes not intrested shes not - move on. leave her be.

some people just dont love their granchildren as they do their children. its a hard lesson for a mother to learn. but you'll get over it.

move on

Purple - I was in fact hoping to move soon and not pass on my address as XP has been around the house refusing to leave before, but she knows where my parents live.

Custy - Thats the thing, i never told her that i had a new boyfriend, i basically told her i had been talking to a guy and am trying to meet new people, nothing has come out of me talking to this guy, maybe if something had have came out of it this might have been worthwhile

I don't like the drame, would much prefer to live a quiet life, but i struggle to let things go sometimes and they come out at inappropriate times, like this

I have, on many occasion, been told i am naive, and that i am too trusting, but tbh i would much rather be that than cynical and cold hearted. I try to treat people as i woud like to be treated, it's just the shame that they don't do it back.

And custy, i did think she would have kept it to herself, simply because she has told me confidential things in the past, about her DCs and her DH, that i know she wouldn't want me to tell them, But i wouldn't do that because i am not that kind of person, it's just a shame she is