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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think our Health Vistor shouldn't comment on my appearance?

50 replies

AmIWhatAndWhy · 08/04/2009 17:46

I was in tears after she left, I couldn't believe it.

She commented that DS has lovely teeth, then later when DD grinned at her she said "Oh her teeth are gorgeous too, do they get that from their dad?"

I have awful teeth, bad genes, bad dentistry when I was younger and it's a constant reason for me to be self conscious. The HV is our dedicated special needs health visitor for DS and I'm gutted she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 08/04/2009 18:42

Pullmyfinger - leave the OP alone.

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 08/04/2009 18:44

I'm not having a go at anyone for goodness sake. I wasn't aware about the facts of breast augmentation on the nhs, I have heard it's done for psychological reasons so can't see why my issues with my teeth wouldn't fall under such a bracket.

I suppose I'll have to save, and maybe have a brace in many years time.

OP posts:

CrushWithEyeliner · 08/04/2009 18:47

The only person I know that had it done for cosmetic reasons had attempted suicide. but true.....

BalloonSlayer · 08/04/2009 18:48

AmIWhatandWhy - sorry your HV was so tactless.

I know of someone who as an adult is getting his teeth altered on the NHS . . . I don't know if he has been expected to contribute anything, but it is a long waiting list. Thus giving you a bit of time to put something aside.

Why not make an appointment to see the GP and talk it through? You can explain that the HV's comment was the last straw (and the GP might even have a quiet word).

There is really no harm in asking is there?

PullMyFinger · 08/04/2009 18:48

That is v sad

BalloonSlayer · 08/04/2009 18:50

All the people who say why complain . . . why not?

There were tons of complaints about the comment Clare Balding made to a jockey at the weekend, and guess what, the silly insensitive woman had to apologise. And rightly so.

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 08/04/2009 19:01

AmIWhatAndWhy ignore them. You are not alone; I have very similar problem - combination of genes, inability of my mum to stomach anything dairy while pg, and bad childhood dentist (struck off eventually). I can't get anything done about it either and will just have to struggle on with what I've got until I win the lottery. When we were allocated our NHS dentist after moving 3 years ago, they asked me to fill in a form which included a q about what I would most like done about my 'smile' (why can't htey say teeth fgs). I put Dentures.

Sorrento · 08/04/2009 19:03

People are far from too ready to complain.
When I was in labour with DD3 I was sat in the TV room and some poor girl was sat with tears streaming down her face, I asked what was wrong and she said she was in agony but nobody had come when she pressed the buzzer 6 hours ago and she'd come in to distract herself from the pain.
I took her back to her bed, pressed the buzzer again and another 20 mins went by without any help, so I went and found a Dr and pulled him by the arm to talk to the girl, thinking of course she'd have hours to go but at least he could reassure her. Of course she was 10cm's and ready to go, but had suffered in pain for hours unnecessarily, I told her to complain too, bet she didn't.

Sorrento · 08/04/2009 19:04

My is missing

cheshirekitty · 08/04/2009 19:37

Sorrento, that girl in labour should have complained - it is a serious matter.

I have horrible teeth. I wear partial dentures (which fell out onto my plate a week ago when I was in a tapas bar). Luckily no one but my 19 year old daughter noticed. Alcohol may have been involved here, hee hee hee.

To the OP, I know how you feel. I made sure my dd had braces (had to pay privately) etc, to make sure she had nice teeth. I am sure the HV is probably kicking herself.

Try not to feel so bad about this womans foot in mouth episode.

flightattendant19 · 08/04/2009 19:43

Pullmyfinger why did you join this thread, just to cause further upset?

FGS

KingRolo · 08/04/2009 19:47

You are not being unreasonable to be upset and I can empathise having very dodgy teeth myself.

However, I think that the HV probably didn't purposefully mean to upset you and as such I don't think complaining is the best idea. It may be more appropriate to speak to her in person to let her know she upset you and to make her aware that she needs to work on her people skills.

giraffesCantRunA10k · 08/04/2009 19:47

Sorry she upset you

Gentle · 08/04/2009 19:48

AmIWhatAndWhy That would have hurt my feelings too, but I wouldn't complain about it.

If you are feeling brave, maybe next time you see her you can tell her that her words upset you? If her words touched a nerve she'd probably rather know than not (I would). Perhaps she's kicking herself right now thinking "gah I stuffed up there."

More than anything I think it's an odd thing to comment on. I've never seen a baby/toddler with ugly teeth, and anyway they're tiny, temporary and usually too new to be visibly decayed at the front. It doesn't really indicate anything about themselves or either parent, any more than having nostrils does.

flightattendant19 · 08/04/2009 19:52

I'm guessing here but maybe she was doing that typical HV thing of trying to big up proper dental care for your children, but that probably means she was presuming yours weren't perfect because you didn't know you're supposed to brush them or something (mine are crap too, don't worry I get this from dentists as well )

which is quite offensive and dim of her anyway. I'd write it off and avoid seeing her in future - if asked why, explain she offended you.

Sorry she was so horrid.

pippo · 08/04/2009 20:00

This is just an aside, I am getting an invisible brace soon after many years of waiting and building up to it; the dental surgery that I attend is giving an interest free loan which I can pay back over a number of years. I feel guilty as there are many other things that we could spend this money on, but as I don't have any fillings just very crooked teeth it seems like an investment as otherwise at somepoint I am going to have big problems.

Sorry hv upset you.

nickschick · 08/04/2009 20:05

amiwhatandwhy......this is true....my ds1 has terrible orthodontic probs so much so that it was beyond the regular orthos after lots of frustration i emailed the dental hospital - they treat him he has a brace on at the mo thats not available on the nhs hes had his gums cut away and his teeth are looking fab - try your dental hospital.

PullMyFinger · 08/04/2009 20:10

I didn't join the thread just to cause further upset, I felt very sorry for the OP, still do in fact.

The comments about 'boob jobs' being done on the NHS and about access to dentistry for people on benefits seemed snippy so I responded to them.

HTH

traceybath · 08/04/2009 20:15

I was just going to say that its worth finding a good dentist and unfortunately that seems to mean private nowadays.

But i know my dentist tries to put as much work as possible through to the local dental hospital to reduce costs.

I personally think something like your teeth thats having such a big effect on your life is worth prioritising.

Good luck!

KimiWantsAnEasterEgg · 08/04/2009 20:18

Sorry not read whole thing so sorry if repeating advice already given..

I think your HV was very rude.

Do you have a good dentist? If I remember correctly dental care is free if your child is under one, I had lots done when kids were little

stickylittlefingers · 08/04/2009 20:37

I do know how you feel - for me it was hair rather than teeth, but it's awful when people make comments, you just want to crawl into a hole and not come out.

Do you have that number to find out your nearest NHS dentist? I found mine was quite a way away, but then if you need a lot done, rather than just the check up, it would be worth doing the travelling.

Really, tho, it's not being vain and if you possibly can afford it I would. The low self esteem can have all sorts of other knock on effects. I had a tooth missing and got that fixed - before hand I thought I was mad spending the £80 (before I went back to work and it was not clear where it was going to be saved from) but the joy of being able to smile without feeling self conscious has been well worth it.

Pullmyfinger (like we're related!) - I do see the point of your posts, but really, when someone is down they can lash out a bit (tho I'm not sure that the OP really was that bad) - cut some slack! One cannot be perfect all the time. Like the HV wasn't!

odisco · 08/04/2009 20:47

AmIWhatandWhy - if you can get a NHS dentist (your local council should have a list) then ask whether they can refer you to the nearest dental hospital for treatment. They often offer the same treatment on the NHS but do the more complex stuff that many dentists won't regularly offer.

There's no harm in asking and the potential benefits are great. If you have significant impairment (which it sounds like you do) then you should be eligible for treatment on the NHS. The other people to think about are Maxillofacial surgeons although this is less likely to be a route you will be able to go down.

Don't feel bad about people's comments, they're only teeth. You're self esteem is as important to you as you know it will be to your children so think about saving the pennies if these options don't work.

Chin up and ignore the argumentative ones!

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 09/04/2009 09:27

Thankyou for your advice , I think my best bet is to see my GP and be honest about how it is affecting me.

OP posts:

izyboy · 09/04/2009 09:38

Just checking, www do you normally have a bit of a jokry dialogue with HV? I can be pretty flippant about myself and some people may take this as lisence to make 'jokes' too? Anyway I hope you feel better soon.

JuwEggsm · 09/04/2009 10:09

So sorry you were made to feel so awful AIWAW. From my experience as an owner of v.wonky teeth, there are occasional people for whom 'nice teeth' is one of the first things they notice about someone, and maybe your HV is one of them. One of my closest friends when at Uni was a bit 'smile fixated', and whenever he commented on finding someone attractive, their smile was always a major focus for him. On the whole, I found that most people don't pay half as much attention to the flaws you see in yourself, as they are too busy worrying about the things they don't like about themselves. Often, when I've said to people that I hate my wonky teeth, I get back 'Hadn't really noticed yours, but look at this gap/ stain/ irregularity on my teeth!'.

I trained myself to always smile with my mouth closed, so as not to show my teeth! But when I got married, I decided I really wanted to be able to do a big open-mouthed smile for my photos. I went to a local private dentist where they offered a free 'smile consultation', to assess what they could do, and was able to get get some temporary veneers which cover up the wonkiest teeth and make them appear straight! It wasn't cheap (around £400 IIRC), but not as expensive as having proper braces for a year or two, and after 18 months they still look fine! It is one of the best things I ever did, and I feel so much more confident in my appearance now that I feel able to smile freely! I only had the top front teeth done, bottom row is still wonky, but as they don't really show when I smile, I don't mind so much!

I hope you are able to find a similar solution. Like many of the others on here, I suspect your HV spoke without thinking, and was probably kicking herself afterwards. Having put my own foot in my mouth plenty of times in the past, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.

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