Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Bit of a dilemma - think I will be BU towards someone whatever I do!

23 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 12:45

One of my brothers has been split with his wife for a few years, her and the 2 kids live about an hours drive away. We see them whenever he has them, typically every 3 weeks but this can very greatly depending on whether they've fallen out (regularly) or if the kids are playing football/going to parties etc.

His ex-wife, her new DP and the kids are currently on holiday in a caravan belonging to one of my other brothers. Me and my DH are going over there tomorrow for the Easter break. They were meant to be leaving first thing in the morning but she's told my brother who owns the van that she's going to wait for me

I'm getting a bit worried now because I think she's going to ask me questions about her XH, he hasn't paid her any maintenance for ages, he's told her he's not working. I don't agree with this for a second, but it is, of course, absolutely cock all to do with me and I really don't want to get involved! But I don't know what I'm going to say if she asks me if he's working, I'm going to upset someone either way - I don't want to lie to her, but if I tell her he's working he'll be absolutely furious with me and it'll cause a huge family row (Mum will get involved and have a real go at me - he's 'golden boy' of the family, she'll tell me I should've kept out of it)

I'm still hoping I'm getting the wrong idea and she just wants to say hello (I haven't seen her for years) but we didn't see an awful lot of each other when they were together and I can't really think why she'd want to hang around for me

OP posts:

Habbibu · 08/04/2009 12:48

Hmm. I think she probably has a right to know, if you think he's pissing her about. he may be your mum's golden boy, but it's her grandchildren's welfare that the maintenance pays for.

LucyTownsend · 08/04/2009 12:48

Just tell her that you dont feel comfortable discussing their relationship details with her - its up to them to sort it out.

Be polite and calm and say that you would rather catch up with what she has been doing as you havent seen her for ages.

If she persists in asking questions just re-iterate that it is none of your business and you would rather not be in the middle. If she wants to ask about his working tell her to speak to him directly.

Have a lovely holiday

ChippingIn · 08/04/2009 12:51

Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck...

Ummm - delay. Get someone to give her a message that due to some unforseen event you don't know when you'll be able to get there, maybe not even until later in the break...

Then stop off somewhere nice on the way for the day.

It's not fair of them all to put you in this situation!!

lilacclaire · 08/04/2009 12:52

Agree with Lucy, its nothing to do with you.
She may just want to say hello, thats what I would presume anyway.
If she asks you anything, I would just say you didn't know and offer his phone no so she can contact him directly (of course she will prob have this already).
That way, you are NOT getting involved and not coming across as a bitch to her either.

troutpout · 08/04/2009 12:52

Agree with Lucy.

Habbibu · 08/04/2009 12:55

Well, true, it isn't your problem - but can you have a word with your brother - perhaps a hissed "SORT IT OUT"?

ChippingIn · 08/04/2009 12:56

Habbibu - she might have the right to know, but NotActuallyAMum has the right not to be the one to tell her!!

Lucy - you are right, but if he wasn't working you wouldn't say that, you'd just say 'No, of course he's not working', so it's a bit of a giveaway isn't it....

Habbibu · 08/04/2009 13:00

Indeed - I guess that's why it's a dilemma! If it was my brother not paying maintenance, I think I'd give him a kick in the shins and tell him to sort it out.

LucyTownsend · 08/04/2009 13:04

Might be a bit of a giveaway but will remind her that she shouldnt be putting the OP in that sort of situation where she feels uncomfortable.

Its not fair for him to be working and not support his children, but its not like you can tell him what to do either.

Just stay out of it as best as you can and change the topic if she brings it up. After the first few times she will get the hint!

Frillysocks · 08/04/2009 13:13

Just say "It's lovely to catch up with you but you must understand I can't discuss my brother. You need to speak to him yourself."

If she insists ie "yes but IS he working? I just want to know" say, "I dont want to fall oout with you so we'll have to leave the topic. You need to speak to him".

In the meantime, - speak to your DB to tell him to get his act together! it must seem tempting not to tell his ExW but fair's fair, if he has a job and can afford more towards the kids then he should. You should want him to for the sake of your nieces/nephews who are undoubtedly missing out.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 13:22

Thanks for your replies everyone

I did think about delaying our arrival [chicken emoticon] but the traffic's going to be really bad tomorrow so I really want to get there as quick as we can

Habbibu I would dearly love to kick my brother and tell him to sort it out but he's one of those people who thinks he's a law unto himself and he won't listen to anyone

LucyTownsend I like that idea! Would it be rude of me though to just completely ignore the question and change the subject? Like you said, that way she should get the message that she's not being fair putting me in that position

OP posts:

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 13:27

Frillysocks I do indeed wish he would pay but it's nothing to do with me, I can't tell a grown man what to do

I don't think the kids miss out too much, she's a fantastic mum (always has been, heaven knows how she ever got saddled with my brother!) and she works hard to provide for them. Doesn't alter the fact that he should pay though of course, but there really is nothing I can do about that

I'm just trying to avoid upsetting anyone

OP posts:

redsock · 08/04/2009 13:36

Well, IS he working? I think he sounds like a twat,

Tell her you don't know if he is working , but if he is, you agree with her that he's a twat. That way, no harm done.

MyNameIsInEggGoMontoya · 08/04/2009 13:38

I think if she does ask, unless you actually lie and say No, she will take it as a Yes even if you don't actually answer. So you might get an earful from him/your mum anyway.

If it was me though I would be mad at my brother for not supporting his kids/my nephews anyway, so would probably just be straight with her and have the shouting match afterwards if necessary... But I know it's easier to say that when not in the same position!

kitbit · 08/04/2009 13:43

If he were my brother I'd definitely be kicking him in the shins and telling him to sort it out. Not paying maintentance is Not On however you're right it's not your business unless you get dragged into it like this. In which case it's open season and you can tell your brother how unacceptable it is to behave in a way that gets you dragged into a situation such as this.

But yes, bluff if she asks you and say it's none of your business.

ChippingIn · 08/04/2009 14:04

Habbibu - don't get me wrong, if it was my brother I'd be shin kicking too - but my aim being such it would hurt even more

NotActuallyAMum - 'I can't tell a grown man what to do' - where did you get that idea from?? If all women thought like that the world would be in a baaaaaaad way

After your post at 13.27 I think I am changing my mind, if she is really a good Mum working her ass off and your brother is a 'law unto himself' and is earning, then I think that I probably would tell her if she asked.... then when your Mum kicks off, ask her why she thinks it's acceptable for her ex DIL to be doing this and for her son to be acting like a complete wanker?

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 14:53

He definitely is a twat! Always has been, always will be - and again there's nothing I can do about that. I really am just trying to avoid arguments with anyone

For the record, yes he is working. Like a lot of people he's on short time but that shouldn't become her problem

Chipping in love the 'where did you get that idea from', and whilst I do like your suggestion of what to say to Mum, please believe me when I say he really is 'golden bollocks' to Mum. He could tell her he's murdered someone and she'd find an excuse for him. Oh and Mum is always right, end of. So if she does get involved there'll be no point me trying to convince her of anything! But I'll cross that bridge if I come to it

I think I have to wait and see what happens. I am still clinging to the hope that she just wants to say hello but if she does mention it I'll just make it clear it's not my business and I don't want to get involved

I do think MyNameIsInEggGoMontoya has a point in that if she does bring the subject up it's going to be obvious he's working so I'm in a no-win situation

Thanks again ladies, I'll be back early evening on Monday. I'll let you know whether or not I'm waiting for a phone call from Mum and cacking my pants...

OP posts:

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 08/04/2009 15:01

So your brother AND your mother think it's ok for him to pay nothing for the support of his children?

These are not people I would be bothered about upsetting. How shitty to not provide for your kids!!

If it was me, I'd bloody tell her yes AND where he was working.

People who duck out of providing for their kids piss me off, it's just a good job children can eat twigs and wear leaves...oh no, wait a minute....

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 15:32

HecAte my Mum doesn't know he's not paying but trust me if she did she would make excuses for him, he really can do no wrong

He didn't send me a card on my birthday and when I told her she said "aw, well he doesn't send cards". Now if that had been one of my other brothers there'd have been hell to pay...

Sorry, I know me not getting a birthday card is irrelevant but that's just an example of her "he can do no wrong" attitude

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 08/04/2009 15:45

If they're all renting a caravan belonging to one of your other brothers, how come she doesn't just corner HIM about her ex?

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 08/04/2009 15:46

He sounds awful.

Original poster

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 15:53

PuppyMonkey she won't see my other brother face to face - she picked the keys up from the caravan park reception

I'm still hoping I'm reading too much into this and she just wants to say hello...

HecAte you're not far wrong unfortunately, he is very selfish

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/04/2009 17:31

hopefully she will just say hello

but if she does ask then i would say either im not sure, havent seen him for a while

yes he is, he is a shit and get all the money you can off him to support your/their children

does he and your mum both really think it is ok not to support his children?

Flip