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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a bit irresponsible, poss even neglectful?

52 replies

Wigglesworth · 08/04/2009 11:47

I go to a baby and toddler group with DS for a couple of hours in the afternoon once a week. There is a lady who takes her DGC who are 3 and 10 months. The other day she said the youngest had been sick that morning at his other nanas house (the other nana has them in the morning and this lady has them in the afternoons). He has a bottle of formula whilst at this group, Nana heated up the bottle and said "I've only put half the powder in just in case", I was , I didn't think you were supposed to do that.
He also 90% of the time poos in his nappy about 1/2 hour after arriving and she NEVER changes him, despite other people saying "oh he's smelly, I think he's had a poo". Bearing in mind he spends another hour and a half at the group and she has to travel back home, does anyone else think that is just awful?
I know, I know it's none of my business but I feel sorry for the little boy, he is so lovely and it makes me feel a bit . AIBU?

OP posts:

CrushWithEyeliner · 08/04/2009 13:34

Yes defo offer a nappy and look her right in the eye when you do

poor children

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2009 13:54

if she isn't capable of changing a nappy then she shouldn't be looking after the child alone regularly!

ssd · 08/04/2009 13:57

exactly stealth!

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 14:05

OK it is possible that the baby is just a farty little creature (DS had spells of this) and she is used to it, but it's not a good idea for a kid to be in a pooey nappy for any length of time. I have occasionally had to rush home with a smelly DS due to being unable to change him - I remember one grim time on a journey home from Derby where an hour of the trip was coach-instead-of-train (engineering works) and of course the minute the coach left the station car park, DS shat and there was nothing I could do about it untill we got to Bedford and I could get at my luggage and find a loo to change him in...

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 14:25

Stealth very true ....

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2009 14:57

solidgold, everyone does it now and again, either not knowing or unable (like in your situation) to do much, but to do it knowingly over and over again is a big problem IMO. If it was just wind, wouldn't she say that?
Every time I have a cold I have a horrible incident where I realise DS has been in a dirth nappy for anhour or so because I just haven't been able to smell it . Once I've done it the first time, it occurs to me that actually I need to start checking every now and again!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/04/2009 14:59

Erm, if you believe this woman maybe struggling due to age/tiredness, could you not offer to help by changing her dgs for her?

Just a thought.

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2009 15:11

but is it really practical to do that most weeks? If the baby is sitting in a dirty nappy like this when out and about, is it any better on the days when he isn't out?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/04/2009 15:14

But you don't know that he is. She could have a more able husband who helps at home. Or children still at home who help.

Or this could be the only times she has him and he is returned to mum straight after.

PeachyWithTheBirthdayBas · 08/04/2009 15:16

It's quite possible ssd that Mum doesn't know how ahrd nana is finding it: either because Nana is embarassed (I know my Mum was grateful when the last grandchild for care passed through for that reason, and she adores them) or because she ahs martyr Syndrome- its the sort of stunt MIL owuld do 'OH i'dlove to have them /oooh look at tired old me, aged and working and having to care for grandkids too ..nobody cares' (no I dont leave mine with her, once was enough)

So really I think Mum needs to know in the short term but the best way is to encourage Nana to have The Chat: if she says she's tired agree with her, say 'Yes it must be exhausting- I really admire what you're doing for your daughter but maye it's time to have a chat with her?'. Something life that?

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2009 15:23

according to the OP she has them every afternoon

traceybath · 08/04/2009 16:07

Blimey sheshells you're a better woman than me - afraid i wouldn't offer to change another child's nappy - find my own child's quite horrid enough but i am pregnant and constantly nauseous.

Does sounds like the granny is either a martyr or she's really too old. I do see a lot of granny types who do really seem to old to care for toddlers. Offended my sister a bit because said i didn't think it would be a good idea for her nearly 70 year old mil to care for her baby when she goes back to work.

I know its difficult financially but the baby/child's welfare does have to come first.

So defininitely not unreasonable regarding the nappy. And also definitely shouldn't have been there if he'd got a tummy upset anyway.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/04/2009 16:12

My gran is Yugoslavian and has great tales about how when she was young at home, the whole village took on the responsibility for the children.

They could and run and play everywhere and there would always be someone willing to pick them up and rub them down if they fell.

It could never happen here. People don't stop to think anymore because they are too busy judging others.

Mil would love to take dd2 to a playgroup. It would do her good too getting out and meeting people, but she can't because she has arthritis and cannot pick dd2 up to change her

And the op doesn't say every afternoon. Its says 'in the afternoons' that could mean anything. I have my neices and nephews in the mornings. Two mornings a week when my sister is working.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 08/04/2009 16:18

I was told by my GP to dilute DD's formula (back when she was on formula) when she had D&V as she wouldn't take any other fluids in. My GP said to do this to make sure DD didn't get dehydrated, I didn't know it was bad to do this.

Its not like it is on a regular basis.

YANBU about her not changing the baby's nappy though.

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 08/04/2009 20:22

She does look after them every afternoon as her DD works full-time. I think she is a bit of a martyr, she told me that her DD was going to send her DGC to nursery when she returned to work and she said "I told her I didn't want her to send them to nursery, I'd rather look after them than have you do that."
I guess IABU about the formula, it's just that my HV told me that doctors tell you to dilute it but you shouldn't do it, although what they say is bollocks sometimes, they recommend baby massage for every ailment going .
I don't think its wind though unless its a real lingering stinky trump. I wouldn't mind changing him for her but then who would watch my DS?

OP posts:

simpson · 08/04/2009 21:11

I think HV might say that about the formula so people don't do it all the time iyswim.

Think its ok if baby is not well to get fluids in.

How old is the Grand mother anyway?

She does sound like she is being a martyr TBH which is not best for LO.

Maybe she is lonely and finds it easier to get out and chat with Lo in tow....

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 08/04/2009 21:19

I'd say she is in her late 50's, she seems healthy enough though, she's a dinner lady at a school in the mornings. I would never pull her up on it (it's not my place to), I just think if he was my DS and she was my Mum I would be quite mad with her and question whether she should be looking after them on a regular basis, nappy changing is after all one of the most basic needs of a baby surely?

OP posts:

simpson · 08/04/2009 21:29

I agree with you.

Surely the LO would have a sore bum being sat in poo so the mum might notice and say something to her...

noonki · 08/04/2009 21:39

if she can't change a nappy she shouldn't be in charge of a baby (and a toddler).

Sod whether the mum can afford a childminder. Bottomline, if someone couldn't look after my baby well enough to change a nappy I wouldnt leave them in their care.

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2009 21:47

lol at bottomline

simpson · 08/04/2009 21:50

Another LOL at bottomline

noonki · 08/04/2009 21:53

KingCanuteIAm · 08/04/2009 22:10

I find it interesting that you feel it is not your place to pull her up on it. If it is not yours then whos is it?

The mother is the obvious one but she is at work so has no idea what is going on when she is away. Who else then, the neighbours, the crossing patrol lady or the people who see her and the incidents on a regular basis?

Seriously, if you feel it is neglectful then it is your place to see something gets done about it. If you don't want to do it yourself, how about raising your concerns with the organisers and enlisting their help?

fledtoscotland · 08/04/2009 22:14

re the formula - its the current advice that if your child has been sick for more than 24hrs, they get dilute formula BUT i am more concerned that a child who'd been sick was at a mother & toddler group

simpson · 08/04/2009 22:24

fledtoscotland - I agree totally.

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