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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I tell a friend and NOT feel guilty at usuall

22 replies

wildhorses · 07/04/2009 14:10

AIBU to say we are not joined at the hip and you do what you want so why can`t I?
BUT how politely???

Long story
I have a really good friend and she is lovely but at times a bit funny
She always wants to know what I am upto weekends etc etc
BUT sometimes get arsey if she knows the people we are meeting up with or are having round but has`nt been invited
DH says she does it to make me feel guilty?

If I say we are going to friends I get a phone call the following morning wanting to know how it was ....

Anyway Dh and I have these friends "x" and "y" that used to live here then moved away .Which my friend also knows but "x and Y" don`t really like her

In Febrauary "x and Y" came over to stay at ours for the weekend

Well my friend got up herself asking what time they were arriving was I having any body else round as well.She phoned at 10.30 the next day.To check

I dont want to upset her by telling x and y dont like her BUT she made feel guilty for not inviting her round and kept questioning over and over

Well in May I am meant to be going away with "y" and another girl for a girlie weekend flights are booked
I was really looking forward to it BUT am know dreading it as I havent told my friend yet and as we are at the school gates together she will find out PLUS I dont see why I have to lie or not crack on

But if I tell her she will get all withdrawn and funny for a few weeks

Feel I may as well cancell going as I feel so worked up about it I have ruined it for myself before I have already gone

OP posts:

myredcardigan · 07/04/2009 14:17

YANBU! You're a grown woman with a life of your own. She is a friend, not your partner or daughter. You must go, enjoy and not feel guilty.

On the other hand, she sounds needy and perhaps she is very lonely. Does she have other friends? Can you arrange a coffee or get together so as to introduce her to a wider social circle? Is there any particular reason why your other friend doesn't like her?

She is, of course, not your responsibility but you may be all she has.

KimiWantsAnEasterEgg · 07/04/2009 14:18

I think you need to be blunt, she sounds very needy

Original poster

wildhorses · 07/04/2009 14:21

She has loads of friends and does go out alot
with her DH or by herself BUT she always makes me feel "why have you been asked and not me" if I go out without her with people she knows but has`nt been asked

X and y don`t like her after she went round and let her kids run wild and break things and she sat there doing nothing and fing and jing

OP posts:

Original poster

wildhorses · 07/04/2009 14:22

I mean swearing loads

How do I tell her?
Its not going to come up in conversation is it?

OP posts:

Blessingsdragon · 07/04/2009 14:25

I have a similar problem with a newish friend who is a lot younger than me and seams to still do the ?? best friend?? thing - I have booked a weekend in Rome with some old friends and she has said ?but I cant do that weekend?? and I felt like saying ??well you weren?t invited anyway?? but actually said and keep saying ??in passing?? how I love having a mix of friends and doing different things with lots of different people - It is true lol - but do seem to have to repeat it a lot with her and mention any other plans I have very breezily - I think she?s got /getting the message - plus I ignore any sulks as they are her problem not mine- Go on your weekend and enjoy - maybe plan a nice lunch or something special just with her?

iSOLOvechocolate · 07/04/2009 14:29

Just don't tell her anything! it's not her business! or make things up, like you are going to MIL or staying in for a fruity night with Dh...

Blessingsdragon · 07/04/2009 14:40

Goodness please dont lie -the *** that could cause would be unbelivable if she ever found out - which if you meet at the school gate - she will.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 07/04/2009 14:43

She sounds very insecure. It is a difficult problem. I have felt like this about friends before and felt very jealous if they were doing things without me. I have really changed now though and learnt not to let it bother me so much. I don't think she is being on purposely difficult it is just her insecurity. Let her down gently. YANBU in your opinion, but you need to be kind. As for the weekend away, best to try and not mention it at all if you can get away with it.

JustCallMeGoat · 07/04/2009 14:45

don't tell her and if she asks about it explain that you didn't want to tell her as she is so freaky and you couldn't face the hassle.

wannaBe · 07/04/2009 14:48

Do you know for a fact that she's always going out? Or could it be that she just says that to make herself appear more popular than she is?

You're not obliged to include this woman in your plans, or even to tell her about them.

In fact perhaps it would be better not to tell her, as if she is lonely being excluded by people she considers her friends (even if they're not by their own standards) could be upsetting for her.

Blessingsdragon · 07/04/2009 14:48

''I have a really good friend and she is lovely but at times a bit funny
She always wants to know what I am upto weekends etc etc '' I think its going to be difficult not to mention?

Original poster

wildhorses · 07/04/2009 14:53

She will find out

Thing is we live abroad with a small expat school where everyone knows everyone

She does have friends and does go out and loves to tell me which I think great good for you.
I really don`t care what you do we are not joined at the hip
Before now we have had friends round and not cracked on she then found out as my friend posted on my facebook about the night
I got questioned at school that she and her family were free then

How do i tell her?

OP posts:

quornsilk · 07/04/2009 14:56

'I'm going on a girly weekend with x and y later in the year. Perhaps you and I could do something like that next year?'

Blessingsdragon · 07/04/2009 15:00

and if that doesnt work, be honest and tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable to be questioned all the time - and yes you are her friend and like her lots and lots but you have other friends to

blondie80 · 07/04/2009 16:27

why do x and y not like your friend?? is it a valid reason??

why are they making you choose between her and them??

why can't the 4 of you all play together??

Original poster

wildhorses · 07/04/2009 16:41

They don`t like her because she is loud and swears alot on the outside she comes across as really hard and not giving a s**t.
But underneath it she not

Plus when Y had her round her kids broke ornaments and she just sat there doing nothing .So she is not a fan
Friends kids are bit wild BUT in my house I just step in and tell them off as she doesnt and isnt really interested
BOys will be boys attitude

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 07/04/2009 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quornsilk · 07/04/2009 16:42

Actually x and y don't sound very nice.

Original poster

wildhorses · 07/04/2009 16:46

Just don`t think its worth the guilt she will try and put on me and that in some way I have been disloyal
then the million questions after

I am trying really hard to think of her feelings
BUT it is really getting me down
she does what she wants no problem BUT me I have to explain myself as to why I went or to why she was`nt invited .
OR not crack on which I think why should I not say what we have been upto as a family

They dont like her its as simple as that I dont really want to tell my friend the truth of how they feel

OP posts:

chocolepew · 07/04/2009 16:47

I would say "I hope the weathers good on such and such weekend, because I'm going away then" It brings it into the conversation without sounding like you're rubbing her nose in it.

Though personally myself I'd tell her to wise up

blondie80 · 07/04/2009 16:48

that's a pity, i don't envy you being stuck in the middle.

just tell her the truth, it'll be better in the long run if she's going to find out anyway and she'll not be able to say you lied or hid things from her.

Niftyblue · 07/04/2009 16:51

I would`nt be impressed if someone came round to mine and their kids broke things and the mother just sat there .
esp with the attitude that boys will be boys

I would`nt have her back

Sounds like she may have brought some of this on herself

Thats her problem not yours

Go and have a good time

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