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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is being a teensy bit unreasonable? DH bored of my rants...

28 replies

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 13:43

OK, here goes. I've been very good friends with someone for a couple of years now, but have been a bit about a couple of things she's done - driving her 4x4 into the nursery car park whilst on her mobile phone, parking in the keep clear bay outside the nursery and being quite cheeky to someone who challenged her and not using a litter tray for her cat but being happy for the moggie to cr*p in other peoples' gardens.

I kind of turned a blind eye to all that, even though I was a bit taken aback. Then, recently I had a 40th party. She informed me that she wasn't going to ask her FIL to babysit in case her youngest (2) woke up, which would mean she and her DH would have to leave my party (5 minutes walk away), despite the fact that her FIL looks after the 2 year old every Thursday to save her child care costs. Didn't ask anyone else to babysit and refused to come on her own. Okayyyyyyy...

Finally, I look after her eldest every Wednesday after school. She and DD get the school bus home together, but on a few occasions my friend has turned up at the bus stop to pick up her daughter, and tells her in advance that she doesn't have to sit with my DD, that she can sit with whomever she chooses as she isn't going to be looked after by me after school. That leaves my DD with no-one to sit next to on the bus journey, which I no is no big deal to other people, but is to her.

AIBU, or am I being taken for a bit of a mug?!

OP posts:

VeryAnnieMary · 07/04/2009 13:48

she doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.

juneybean · 07/04/2009 13:49

Yes... especially in the last paragraph it sounds like she's using you for your care.

Does her DD like your DD?

jennybensmummy · 07/04/2009 13:50

I guess it depends if all these changes are recent or she has always been like this? how longhave you known her? i think she is wrong in the whole car and mobile and parking arguement, but a lot of people do things like this and equally annoying/wrong things i wouldnt say thats anything to do with being taken for a mug, same with the cat things, unless youre a neighbour with cat poo in garden? Party, yes id be very put out but i guess when people have kids these things happen, though id be a bit annoyed by it. The bus thing, well i think thats wrong and nasty i do feel for your poor daughter on that one, maybe its time to encourage your daughter to try and make other friends and avoid this woman a bit, make excuses to not always care for her dd?

poppy34 · 07/04/2009 13:56

agree with jennybensmummy -the first three things are difference of opinion (esp night babysitting - if her dd is a pain abotu being left at night may be more hassle than its worth) but the bus thing is just horrible.

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 13:57

I've been friends with her for about 2 years, and offered last year to look after her dd as she was stuck for childcare. I finish work early on Wednesday so I can pick them both up from the bus, and they do get on even though there's 2 years between them. It's feeling a bit one sided though.

OP posts:

Uriel · 07/04/2009 13:57

That last bit's mean to your dd. I'd stop looking after her kid after school.

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 13:57

Should have added - her youngest doesn't ordinarily wake at night, but she didn't want to 'chance it'.

OP posts:

Tortington · 07/04/2009 13:59

if she lives 5 mins away - why doesn't she give your dd a life too?

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 14:03

Now, why would she need to give my dd a life?

OP posts:

poppy34 · 07/04/2009 14:04

i think she meant lift...

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 14:08

I hope she did!

I drive stright from work to the school bus stop, and sometimes she'll just be there. Yes, it would be lovely if she phoned me to say that she was finishing work early and that she would take my dd after school, but that hasn't ever happened. Her commute is 2 minutes, mine is 30 minutes - not having to rush to meet the bus on occasion would be lovely!

OP posts:

stroppyknickers · 07/04/2009 14:08

on the other hand, maybe her dd feels obliged to sit with your dd and wants to make other friends? Do you get paid to look after her? Tell your dd that she can sit with someone else or get her to take a book or comic on wednesdays. The rest of it is about how she is as a person, not a friend.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 07/04/2009 14:10

Haven't you done a AMBU thread about this before?

Songbird · 07/04/2009 14:12

You're being taken for a bit of a mug, it seems to me. Can't believe that bus business, especially as it seems her dd is given the message that she has to sit with yours on the days you're having her. Strange!

Mooseheart · 07/04/2009 14:14

I think she sounds like a bit of a selfish cahhhhh.

I'd be happier without her, personally.

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 14:15

No, I don't get paid to look after her - it was as a favour for a friend, nothing more. Her dd has a couple of friends, and because they are younger they go onto the bus first at school. My dd gets onto the bus expecting to sit next to her and is told "mummy is getting me today so I don't have to sit next to you" - neither my dd nor I know in advance, otherwise she would walk part of the way home from school with her friend as she normally does and I would meet her at our usual meeting place.

If I'm still looking after my friend's dd after the holidays I'm going to ask her to let me know in the morning if I'm not going to be looking after her dd, to let me make other arrangements. If she's told her dd that she can sit with whomever she wishes then she obviously knows she doesn't need me to childmind that day.

OP posts:

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 14:17

No, not the whole thing, FiveGoMad - I did post about the party, but not the rest of it. Last Wednesday was the last straw, after the usual manic early finish at work it turned out that she didn't need me to childmind.

OP posts:

KimiWantsAnEasterEgg · 07/04/2009 14:25

Stop the free child care she is useing you

2rebecca · 07/04/2009 15:12

She doesn't sound much of a friend, and it doesn't sound as though her daughter is that keen on yours if she'll sit next to someone else given the choice. 2 years is quite a big gap though, although usually it's older kids who don't want to sit with younger ones. I don't see why they have to sit together even if they're getting off together if they prefer not to. It sounds as though the real issue here is your daughter having no-one to sit with on the bus except this younger girl who prefers to sit with someone else given the choice and you doing free childcare for someone who takes advantage and who you don't like.
If you aren't happy tell the women to sort out her own childcare and pick ups and tell your daughter not to worry about who sits next to her on the bus and socialise with her own year, or sit alone if no friends on the bus. Does your daughter have friends at school who just don't take the bus? Would you be better inviting them round instead of bothering with this girl who isn't that keen on your daughter? You can't make little girls like each other.

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 18:41

I'm not sure if that's all true - the 2 girls play quite happily together, and often call round for each other. DD doesn't have friends who catch the school bus, and would much prefer to walk home with her friends as she normally does.

I'm not trying to make 2 girls like each other, as they are quite happy to play together - more just trying to work out in my own head if I'm expecting too much from this friendship, and the consensus of opinion here seems (I think) to be that I'm not. Quite honestly I can't be bothered with the whole manic early finish, the rushed commute, the tears and recriminations from DD that she didn't have anyone to sit next to and why can't she walk home as normal, and a friend who doesn't let me know in advance if she needs me to child mind or not. I'll have a word with her about what we do after the holidays.

OP posts:

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 18:48

She doesn't sound much of a friend - think she's using you for free child care!

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 18:52

She does not sound very nice to me, a bit self-absorbed.

She lost me in the first paragraph

Is it worth it?

Original poster

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 18:55

No screaming, I'm beginning to think it definitely is not worth it!

If she was a boyfriend I would have dumped her by now

OP posts:

lizziemun · 07/04/2009 20:22

I think you have just answered your own question.

Althrough i don't understand why your dd and your freinds child need to get the bus instead of walking if that what your dd does on a normal day.

Rumpel · 07/04/2009 20:28

Friends come and go in our life - if you are giving out more than she is putting in time to say bye. Sometimes what we like or put up with when we are younger we grow out of and have different views/opinions and it is best to go our seperate ways.

I think we tend to think that other people feel or believe what we believe and they just don't but it is hard to accept if you are a generally thoughtful/nice person that other people aren't you tend to see the best in people until they piss you off one time too many

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