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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH!

20 replies

Lovemyshoes · 07/04/2009 09:47

We have numerous jobs that need doing round the house consisting of DIY and laundry and decorating etc.

BUT DH seems to have blinkers on and I feel he has no respect. He mentioned yesterday that laundry was backing up but did nothing about it when he couldn't find his trousers except chunter.

Today instead of trying to help me catch up he as gone fishing and won't be back until tea time leaving me to once again tidy etc.

I seem to do all or most of the tidying/cleaning(he might empty the dishwasher).

In the school holidays I go to work and come home and the room and kitchen are like a bombsite, the kids have done what they want and he has been watching crap on tele. I feel like its a vicious circle.

I tidy, he/kids mess it up, I tidy, he/kids mess it up and on it goes.

I love him dearly but would like some help, I don't even like inviting friends round etc but he isn't bothered and just says 'They take us how they find us'.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want a showhome just somewhere neat and tidy where I can relax after work

I KNOW it sounds childish but as far as I see it if he does nothing it gets to the point where I want to do nothing. I NEVER go off at 8.15 and come in at tea time etc.

I am sooooooooooooooo fed up.

OP posts:
easterchickfordinner · 07/04/2009 10:13

YANBU - How old are your DC's could they help out? Could you set a few rules about putting things away and holiday time as you're at work the washing has to be put in the machine once a day to help you out.

You could leave all his clothes in the laundry until he hasn't got anything to wear and then say you'll get round to it once you've cleaned all the mess he and the kids have made.

good luck

easterchickfordinner · 07/04/2009 10:15

Meant to say that I printed off a list of chores for each day and put it on the fridge so everyone knew what needed to be done. Would this help. Work out which things the kids could do and ask DH to set a good example to them.

Original poster
Lovemyshoes · 07/04/2009 10:20

When I first started my job I did do a list of chores to be done and he went ballistic.

The dc are 7 & 9 and are like their dad, they leave mess and wrappers everywhere, if I mention it to Dh he finds something of mine and says 'your as bad', but, is the first one to complain when he can't find anything because I've put it away.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 07/04/2009 10:29

Today he has gone fishing? Does he work?

A strike sounds in order. I suggest that on Saturday you just get up and and announce that you are going out for the day and leave him and the kids to it.

One woman I heard of in this situation actually wrote her DH a long love letter explaining why she loved him, why she was unhappy and why she had gone out, what she wanted from him and what she wanted to give him in return.

He was a broken man when she got back.

gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 10:33

very calmly almost jokingly tell him you are going on a washing strike. then do none of his laundry
trust me when he has run out of socks and underpants he will mend his ways

gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 10:35

another thing that works for me is i have a dump it basket, and anything he leaves lying around i put in there. so when he wants to wear his best shirt and its in there with his smelly socks its tough luck

motherlovebone · 07/04/2009 10:35

could you make one room your sanctuary? have a heart to heart with the O/H? have you got waste paper bins in each room? give each child a responsibility, one taking rubbish, one doing dishwasher? de clutter? start throwing stuff out?

easterchickfordinner · 07/04/2009 10:55

I think you're going to have to put your foot down. I like the idea of a dump it basket. You could have one for the kids and one for DH.

mamas12 · 07/04/2009 16:19

Dump all the mess in their beds, in his car etc. They have to step up and you have to stop doing it for them. Does he cook for when you get in, do the dcs know how to make a cup of tea (taught mine and it's great)
Need to have a heart to heart on how this is affecting you.

Original poster
Lovemyshoes · 07/04/2009 19:04

Sorry everyone, I've been tackling laundry etc. DH said he would be in at four came in at 5.30 and went out at 6.45.

Right, answering all your suggestions:

Betadad, yes does work, very long hours, but is currently on 6 days off (continental shifts) I would love to bugger off for the day but he would use the kids crying/missing me etc (especially dd2) and would want to know where I am.

Gardeningmumof5, it wouldn't bother him if I did that, all he would do is shout at me asking where things are, i've tried a dump bag but he throws things at the side.

Mamas 12 if I threw it on their beds they would throw it back on the floor. Unfortunately, like I say the dd's are very much like their dad. Tomorrow he will do hardly anything and I KNOW he won't do the jobs that need doing.

I've been asking him to do the cooker for ages but he hasn't (I ALWAYS DO IT)

dd1 does know how to make cup of tea, but, she is still at the clumsy dawdling stage.

He does cook alot but makes so much mess it is practically unbearable, he is such a fussy eater I leave it to him as he hardly eats what we eat (kids are turning out the same)

I am sat here on my own quite easily feeling like I could cry, can't call a friend as they are mostly at a party that I REALLY REALLY wanted to go to.

I am soooooooooo fed up, just hope a re-run of my meltdown last year is on the cards.

OP posts:
clam · 07/04/2009 19:14

Hang on! You were planning on going out to a party, but he's buggered off out first, leaving you babysitting?!!!!!
No WAY!!! I would be crying with rage, as well as upset. This has got to change.

Original poster
Lovemyshoes · 07/04/2009 19:33

I was invited a couple of weeks ago and said I would try and get a babysitter. He wouldn't ask his family and says tuesday nights are his night.

OP posts:
Eve34 · 07/04/2009 19:39

Can I join in. DP has a week off, he went away for the weekend with a mate, swaned off yesterday morning. off tomorrow fishing for a few days, I don't mind doing the house stuff, I have waited over a tear for the porch to be finished, the shelves in our bedroom and now I have a lawn that needs to be turfed - been waiting 3 weeks now, so watch this space.

We had a chat today about family/DP life balance and that sometimes we have to put others first, he agrees but we will wait and see.

I just pile his stuff up in the corner of the lounge and at his side of the bed, it drives me mad, but it is managable.

x

mamas12 · 07/04/2009 20:01

lovemyshoes Can't you phone his family for a babysitter? Or anyone else for that matter. Can they stay over at friend/family house. It'll give him a hell of a shock to come home to the Mari Celeste won't it.

Original poster
Lovemyshoes · 07/04/2009 20:04

Feel free to rant eve34.

No chance of getting a babysitter at this late time. I think I'm gonna have a cuppa and then go and be miserable in bed [bsas]

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemyshoes · 07/04/2009 20:04

even

OP posts:
easterchickfordinner · 07/04/2009 20:21

Not fair to you big hugs and lots of them

Eve34 · 07/04/2009 21:16

Men hey who would have em!

Original poster
Lovemyshoes · 08/04/2009 19:06

I'm a bit happier today, I got some good news today, and, knowing todays climate I know I am EXCEPTIONALLY lucky.

OP posts:
Eve34 · 08/04/2009 21:05

That is great. We all need something to make us smile. x

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