To feel really irrate and a bit shocked at what my mum said?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

We were discussing DH and the way I think he copes or rather doesn't cope with dds while I am at work.

Don't get me wrong, he can look after them, if watching them is all he has to do.

He couldn't do a shop with them as he struggles getting them dressed and leaving the house. And if anything unexpected happens all hell breaks loose.

I know this from when I am in the house but having a lie in busy doing other things.

He has to shout me to come and deal with them. Dd1 says all he does while I am not there is shout and hold his head saying "I can't cope"

My mum said "Oh I think he does really well. Don't forget he is a man. You can't expect him to organise things. When I worked your little sister had to take a day of nursery each week because your dad couldn't get her there"

So because he is a man, he shouldn't be expected to call at the shops to get a dress for dd to wear on her weekend away, because he is a man and shouldn't be expected to manage?

dd1 is five and chooses her own clothes and knows what colour sticker/what number her size is.

All he had to do was get them both dressed and out of the door to supervise dd1 and pay at the till.

And we live less than 10 mins walk away from Tesco, which is where I asked him to go.

There were a lot of questions "What do you mean something smart? What's smart? A dress? trousers? What colour? What size is she now? Does she need shoes?"

does he manage to buy his own clothes? do you put out an outfit for him every night for the morning? why does he think this is a "woman's job"?

Yes and No. I buy him clothes sometimes. But only if he is working and needs something for that night/the next day. In general he chooses his own clothes.

then why does he think buying clothes for his dd requires a woman to do it?

I have no idea controlfreaky. He even washes his own clothes. But doing anything much with the dds seems a bit much for him.

He can manage dd1 out of the house, or dd2. But not both together.

does it make you angry / disappointed / upset or are you accepting? i meant it seriously that i would lose my respect for dh if he was like this.... but perhaps you are nicer than me....

so you need a week away - he needs a week with the kids and the need for actually leaving the house

it isn't fucking rocket science - he's just a twat

either that, or tell him to piss off cos phoning you 4 times an hour whilst at work and claiming that he can't "cope" with the kids is a pile of crap...

but I'm like Control - I'd not put up with it.

Could you all do what your husbands do all day with no sense of panic or apprehension? And yeh some of them do pretty mundane jobs that you think yes you could - but even crappy jobs have stuff that have to be learnt like where's the spare bog roll kept - petty basic but fairly essential!

A woman returning to work after kids is given loads of support on this board - any guy that is no bloody Mrs Mop is a git!

My Dh is a fab cook, has 2 degrees and has held quite high level and very responsible positions, but due to health reasons was a SAHD for 4 years, and although the kids were always clean and fed (and happy), I was always ashamed to be seen with them in public- he just doesn?t get clothes - it took him quite a while to get bums and she still doesn?t think the inside of the microwave exists - well he never cleaned it, so I presume that was the problem. It?s just a different skill set and I do think that men?s brains (in general not every!) do find muliti tasking hard

I must say that I think there is a more subtle form of this than the outright, 'You can't expect a man to be able to cope...' which is the over praising when a man does a simple task that a woman does every day. I can't complain I do it myself when my husband hangs out the washing or hoovers I am so overjoyed to effortlessly tick one off the list I go a bit overboard with my thanks.

I do get a bit frustrated when he struggles to find stuff but then I have organised the cupboards and they are in desperate need of a clearout so I can't blame him really. Why should he be familiar with my system when i don't have a clue where he keeps all his things?

Our next door neighbour (a bloke) gave my DH a tip when our DD was born to make out that he couldn't change nappies then he wouldn't have to do it . The first time my DH took my daughter (explosive nappy and all) away to change her voluntarily was a proud moment for me!

Can we have some men on this thread, there are male MNers, surely they have something to say?

YANBU. But how do men get like this? Mothers who spoil them? Wives who do everything for the kids/around the house?

It's pathetic.

How can a grown man freak out over a soiled nappy or not be able to take his kids to Tesco? Baffled.

I am going to drum into my son that good, strong men are capable, not helpless around the house/children.

YANBU!

When I was in collage I dated this guy who was a serious mummys boy to the point where it was worrying. He would get into bed with her in the middle of night sometimes & he also a little bell on his bedside table that he would ring in the morning when he woke up so she could fetch him tea & toast

I feel sorry for any woman he may marry & have kids with!!

My Mum holds similar views to that of the OP, she isn't impressed that my DH does the bulk of the washing and ironing, and thinks that it reflects badly on me that I'm not 'looking after him properly'!!!! MIL on other hand totally gets how we do things around here, hence how DH turned out the way he did I guess.

If my DH woke me up from my once a week lie in to ask me to change a nappy I would probably wipe the dirty nappy on his face.

Controlfreaky it drives me up the wall. I don't just accpet it. I mean he handles dd1 better than me. She will listen to him, where I just end up screeching like a banshee at her. She knows how to wind me up, where he can stay calm with her.

But for some reason panick sets in when he has to do anything that involves getting them both dressed and out of the house.

He could do it, if he tried.

It's his mum who has spoilt him. He was 28 when I met him and still living with her and she was still doing everything for him. She likes me, but doesn't believe that I look after him properly because I don't get him for work and make his breakfast and give him his dinner. She has even asked me to make sure that he takes his epilepsy medication and goes to the doctors.

Could I do his job? Yes. I have done it before. We worked for the same company once. I found it incrediably boring and mindnumbing, but I am capable of doing it. I would feel panick setting in if I had to go and do it again.

The thing is, he has a great little helper in dd1, if he would let her. She knows where all the clothes are kept and what matches what, and what they are meant to eat and how it's made and even what household tasks I do first. All he has to do is listen to her.

I wouldn't panick at having to do his job again, that should be.

I have spent my life being told that men were not supposed to do household chores, were not supposed to fully commit to a relationship, were not supposed to be faithfull ect ect, to which i always replied even as a child and still do 'well i would rather be single then' and its true, i don't want to except some half arsed lazy man who thinks he shouldn't be doing things just becuase he has something hanging between his legs!

Luckily i met DP who is totally the oppisite of a 'typical man' or a 'lad' [shudder] and i thank god for him every bloddy day.

have to say my dh is fab he gets up every morning with dc,
does half the cooking , cleaning ,washing definite equal spread here

but
is rubbish at choosing dc clothes ( fine at his own) and if I asked him to go and choose an outfit would not like doing it he would go food shopping though and is supreme at changing horrible nappies

The overpraising thing is so tricky - you learn in general that positive reinforcement is more powerful than concentrating the negative. But how do you get the man to progress if you wet yourself with joy and have an orgasm every time he does 50% of a job, and don't mention the other 50% that you will have to do later? He is just going to believe that he is god because he washed some of the pots, badly, not the lids (obviously they don't count) and left crumbs all over the floor and tomato sauce all over the surfaces.

(My current partner is the best I have ever had in this respect by the way - like Charlee I don't want a relationship I have to be a servant / mum in, and if those are the only kind going, well no thanks)

ok...

I'm a DH (and a SAHD). I get my DS1 (2.5yr) up (DS2 is 3m), get DS1 to and from nursery / any other activity, all the cooking, the majority of tidying up, all the shopping, about 50% of the laundry, all the DIY, etc etc. As previous posters have said, it's not rocket science, it's life.

He could do it, he's just not had the practice, and getting a 2yr old out of the house can be frustrating and wearying.

Your mum's comments are not unusual from our parents generation, I remember the chaos and hunger the (very) few times my dad was left to look after my brothers and I.

On the washing machine front, it WOULD be helpful if the legends around the dials bore some relation to those on the labels, but again, it's not brain surgery.

I have to say I would absolutely not let DH buy an outfit for DD because he is just generally rubbish about clothes and has no idea what might fit/suit/be practical for anyone other than him. And he's not that marvellous at choosing stuff for himself to be frank. But he is good at other things so it all evens out. Clothes in this house are firmly My Job and I like it that way.

But I am quite happy for him to take care of DD a day a week while I am at work because he's her father and it's his job as much as his paid job is his job. Admittedly at first, I did have to leave lists etc because I'd been at home with her for six months and he hadn't so of course he hadn't had the learning curve that I've had and needed time and help to catch up. I know it's harder with more than one DC but really, it shouldn't be beyond him and holding his head in his hands and wailing about not being able to cope is, er, just childish, IMO.

Could you leave a list of what has to happen and when for his days with them? It only has to be a vague timetable in a breakfast at 8, snack at 10, lunch at 11 kind of way, perhaps with helpful suggestions of what those meals might be made of. And you could also make helpful suggestions about clothing (wear wellies not sandals if going to park when it has been raining etc).

I know it seems like common sense to you, but it's presumably not that easy for him or he wouldn't be doing the wailing head in hands etc.

If he finds certain things hard, then maybe delegate stuff that you don't like much but is okay for him instead and you do the stuff that he can't. For instance, DH takes DD swimming because he likes it and is relaxed about splashing etc and I loathe the whole performance, whereas I do clothes shopping because I like picking stuff out and he finds it stressful and worrying.

It doesn't really surprise me. That's the sort of comment my mil might say.

You are right that it is a ridiculous comment and you shoul dignore it. Old fashioned tosh.

YANBU to feel irate and shocked. It's her fault he's like that! My MIL came to stay when DD was 4 months old and put a rocket up DH's backside! I thought he was pretty good anyway, but it turns out he had had far superior training to me and could run a house like clockwork (and did as she was single and working).

Although I should add that he dresses both girls like circus clowns if left without guidelines. Sometimes I just let him. It's funny and they're too young to be embarrassed.