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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be an old fashioned girl at heart

20 replies

littlepollyflinders · 06/04/2009 08:58

Had horrible row with dh last night about...money...
He's v stressed in job and is waiting for news of new one which would mean higher salary.
Now our incomes about match but I said, as we have always done things equally, that it would be nice if we dropped the taking turns to pay for meals out if he were earning more.

This sparked off huge fight with me taking the stand that it would be nice to be looked after for a change.
He said I should have married a banker if I wanted that and so it went on.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 06/04/2009 09:00

Maybe he is feeling under pressure and thinks that you expect him to support you.

twinsetandpearls · 06/04/2009 09:00

Maybe he is feeling under pressure and thinks that you expect him to support you.

brettgirl2 · 06/04/2009 09:03

You may be being unreasonable, yes.

If your DH gets a higher salary maybe he may want to do something more constructive with it for your future than spending it on more nights out?

If on the other hand he will pilfer it on crap anyway, then no you aren't being unreasonable.

mumto2andnomore · 06/04/2009 09:06

Doesnt matter who earns what you are married you should share ! Cant believe you pay one meal each as if you were still dating. Our money just goes in one account and we pay for what we need out of it.

Nontoxic · 06/04/2009 09:10

if you were an old fashioned girl you wouldn't even have had this conversation - you'd have a joint bank account.

I don't understand how people can be married and consider their money 'mine' or 'his,' to the extent of figuring out what the other person 'owes' them.

Surely whatever comes in to the house is for the use of the family, no matter whose name the wageslip is in?

I can't say whether I think yabu or not - I just don't understand that whole set-up.

brettgirl2 · 06/04/2009 09:12

Ooh blimey, I wouldn't want a joint account lol. I really like having my money in mine, it means that my [tight] DH can't complain about what I spend it on

TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 09:13

If he's feeling stressed about the job this may not be the right time to bring it up.

Mumto2: I've seen a few threads about finances and quite a few posters and their partners have joint money for household expenses and then have separate pots of 'pocket money' for frivolous spending (handbags, golf clubs, meals out). I am a bit surprised if it is a rigidly enforced 'taking turns' though.

OrmIrian · 06/04/2009 09:15

"it would be nice to be looked after for a change"

Why would it? I don't understand that at all. I've always earned more than DH. It's understood that I pay more into our joint a/c than he does. I usually pay more of the days out/presents etc. I don't consider that I'm looking after him.

I suspect that his take on the above comment was that you felt he didn't care about you.

hercules1 · 06/04/2009 09:21

I earn quite a bit more than dh and in now way at all do I look after him in any shape of form. Sorry but what a ludicrous notion.
Dh would be rightly gobsmacked if I said I wanted him to look after me.

Original poster
littlepollyflinders · 06/04/2009 09:21

Nontoxic - I think that's the bit that he doesn't get!

OP posts:
Nontoxic · 06/04/2009 09:31

Sorry, what bit doesn't he get? Do you mean you would prefer a joint account - it seemed as if you were saying you just wanted a cut of his 'extra' money.

If so, it's unfortunate that this is what you've decided now he's had a rise - if you were happy with the way things were before it could be construed as a leetle bit calculating.

sprogger · 06/04/2009 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABetaDad · 06/04/2009 09:36

littlepolly - I am in and agreeing with mumto2andnomore/nontoxic.

How long are you both going to keep taking it in turns to pay for stuff - until you are 75?

Me and my wife have always had to keep separate bank accounts for tax reasons but we move money between them if one has a big CC bill or whatever. It does not matter who has the bill. Do you take it in turns to pay for shopping, fuel, phone, utility, Council tax, etc?

Maybe to resolve things you should consider having a joint 'house account' that you both pay equally in to each month to cover all the household bills, meals out, as well as holidays etc.

Maybe the argument is really about deeper money worries and having a joint 'house account' would make you both feel more in control of your budget?

TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 09:42

I think progger has the more useful point here - it's not about the little details of how finances are arranged, it's about the bigger picture.

Is the OP upset because she expected to be able to give up work rather than having to contribute equally to household income? Or is this the impression she is giving to her DH? It sounds as if he feels like she is saying that he does not earn enough and is not fulfilling her expectations of a husband.

VinegarTitsTheVirginNun · 06/04/2009 09:43

YABU

TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 09:43

sprogger, sorry, not progger

brettgirl2 · 06/04/2009 09:43

I think Sprogger has made some really important points.

ABetaDad · 06/04/2009 09:51

xpost with Sprogger - I agree with that too.

purpleduck · 06/04/2009 10:15

Actually, I totally see where littlepolly is coming from, although I do think your timing was perhaps a off polly.

I do like when my dh "takes me out", and sorts everthing out. Yes its our money, but...I dunno, its nice.Dh also likes when I make his lunch, or cook a really nice meal - thus "looking after him" in that way.

Yes, strictly it is an outdated notion that the man takes the woman out and pays etc, but it is still lovely when it happens.

But as I said, if polly's dh was stressed already, then he probably saw her request as an additional burden, which he didn't need at that time.

IheartEASTEREGGS · 06/04/2009 10:20

I think its the way that you've phrased it thats made everyone go
if you phrase it in another way such as
'we've always earned the same income and therefore pay for everything 50/50, now DH is earning more but is fuming at having to pay a higher proportion on joint meals out in line with his higher salary'
then that makes you sound perfectly reasonable in expecting him to pay his share in line with his income.

Although yabu in bringing this issue up with your DH while he is stressed and still waiting to hear if he has the job!

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