To be unsure if I want to go back to work and let DP be SAHD?

[papoose]

I will be returning to work in August and as my DP lost his job at the end of last year, the obvious solution seems to be that he should become a SAHD for our DD who will be 9 mths old by then.

I am on a fairly decent salary so so we could survive on just my salary. BUt I was planning on going back 3 days per week and I am worried I will feel resentful that DP will get to spend all that wonderful time with DD.

Even if DP gets another job it is unlikely to be very well paid. He is a fab dad and DD is besotted. We would save on nursery fees as well. But I never envisaged going back full time and am already dreading it. Not sure what to do.

I do sympathise, my DH would be a great stay at home dad but frankly he doesn't want to be and I don't want him to be either, I guess sometimes though that's the way it has to be circumstances and all that.
At least your daughter gets a parent at home it could be a lot worse.

There's a long time between now and august, anything might happen, not much point worrying about it yet.

I guess the ideal solution (for you perhaps) would be if you could both work part time. Would it be possible for DH to retrain and go self employed or look to part time work?

I work about two-thirds time and DH was a SAHD for both Dss from about 6-12 months then we got them into nursery gradually as he went back to work (self employed electrician).

I suppose really you should just be grateful you have a job to go back to at the moment.

Thanks for replies, I know, I should be glad I have a job to return to (although if I still have it in Aug is a different matter!). The trouble is, I need to discuss with my boss now how many days I want to do so I can't just hold off and wait and see. To be honest I wish I could stop thinking abuot work and just relax and enjoy this valuable time with DD!!

papoose - it seems to me that surely your mind has been made up for you by circumstance?

Why are you dreading full time work?

Can you go back 5 days? If so and if your DH does not get a job by August the money you can earn will keep your family secure. You would be making a massive contribution and then your DH can keep looking and pick up something temporary or part time.

Spending 5 days a week with a child is not all it is cracked up to be and your DH may welcome the chance to go part time once you are back full time. You can both rejig things later so you ould maybe hen go part time once circumstances change.

I agree with Pheebe and sounds like it worked out well for her family to have a phased return to week and a gradual intro to nursery.

It works for us.
circumstance forced us into this position.
i'd rather DH was having all the lovely quality time than some 'keyworker' in a nursery.
but hey, circumstances might be changing again for us and we might both have to work. this was never part of the plan, but we are not in a postion to turn down work.

the best bit about leaving the kids at home while you work is that you don't have all the faffing around of organising the kids bags and packed lunches and drop offs and getting to work to find you've forgotten to have breakfast or brush you hair/teeth.

August?!?!?!? worry about it in july!

could you afford to do 3 days in your well paid job and dp do 2 days in a lesser paid job maybe?

It is hard, but seeing your boss and commiting to full time will be a relief and then you can enjoy your days til August. My dd (now 3) had sahd for 18 months (I returned to work when she was 5 months) til he returned full time and I went part time. I won't kid you - I do feel like I missed out, but I know dd certainly didn't, and that is incredibly reassuring for me. And dh and dd have a fantastic relationship. Ironically life is harder now, as I have all the responsibilities of home and childcare along with working 3 days. dh not back til late, and does what he can, but I have moments of craving the days when I walked in the door to a clean(ish) and played with dd while someone made my tea!!

Papoose, you can always go back full-time and ask for flexible working at a later date. iirc you can request flexible working once a year. So if your circs change then you can request part-time then. Nothing is set in stone.

I can understand your concern, I have 11mo DTs and will be returning to work PT in July, but at least you know your children will be looked after by someone who loves them dearly, much better for them than a CM or nursery.

I can relate as I had always planned to go back part time but my husband who was self employed wasn't getting enough work so I've taken on more and more work and in two weeks I start full time. I am very sad but like you thankful to have a job. I am jealous now when DS calls out for his Daddy instead of me but glad that he is at least at home with one of us. It's not an easy situation and I don't think my DH appreciates how hard it is for me to leave DS. Nice not to have to do all of the housework though!

you need to pay the mortgage etc so pragmatically go back to work. you are extremely fortunate that her dad can be sahp.

yes things haven't worked out completely as expected but you are in a pretty advantageous position

Thanks all, I know I am lucky that we are able to get by (hopefully) one way or another. It's just that I am loving being at home with DD - it is all I ever hoped for and more. Neenstwinz I did not realise that I am allowed to ask for part time once a year - I thought that I was only allowed to request flexible working before I go back, so thank you for that, it is something to bear in mind and I will google it.

Spula you are right, the sooner I get organised and talk to my boss and sort things out, then I will be able to relax. Think I will call him tomorrow. Thanks all.

My DH is a SAHD and it's great. He says it's the most fulfilling job he's ever had. At the moment I'm working 4 day weeks, but go back to full time in July. To be honest I'm often so busy at work that I don't have time to get resentful at the time I'm missing with DS, but when 5 o'clock rolls round and I'm getting ready to leave the office I get soooo excited to see DS - he gives me the best smile when I get home. I spend My day off with DS and baby pals to give DH some time off. Being a working mum is tiring like I've never been tired before, and I have had to be really firm about leaving work on time (have a self-motivated type of job so can stay late if I get caught up in things).

I did worry that I'd not have the same kind of relationship with DS because I was out at work all day, but I always try to get home for bath and story time and by then DH is knackered so I can pick up where he leaves off. DS is very happy being at home, and they get out to play dates fairly regularly.

I'd say go for it. Can you ask your boss to work 4 day weeks for a little bit at the start to get you settled in?

what about compressed hours eg 4 longer days.5 in one week 4 the next or some work from home

I don't think compressed hours would be possible but I think I will ask to do 8-4.30 but shorter lunch so that will count as a full day. That way I will be back in time for DD bedtime. I know that working from home is not an option. Also, Contented, yours is an excellent idea to easde myself in gradually.

I am glad that it works for some people here, and I am sure that it will be OK, but when I imagine only seeing her little face in the evenings it breaks my heart!! But then she is a PFB I suppose!!

but you aren't a stranger who drops in at bedtime.you are her mum

hokey cokey,would you have thought less of your partner if the situation were reversed and he worked full time.returning in evening

of course not. But you coping with your disappointment and gender role expectations eg mummy at hone daddy at work

children need love,attachment,bonding and affirmation.that can come from mum,dad.nursery,grand parents

If you don't want to go back full time then don't. August is a long time away and its entirely possible your DP can find something before then, full or part time or whatever. Nothing wrong with wanting to spend as much time as you can with your dc now when they are small, go for it and just shop at age concern and live on lentils and carrots if you have to.

she doesnt have to live on lentils or 2nd hand clothes.she has the means to provide.why not do that

But it wouldn't be lentils and 2nd hand clothes, it would mean selling our flat and moving somehwere smaller and further away from london, to reduce outgoings.

At the end of the day I do have sa choice, but the best solution all round for DD is for me to go back full time so we can poay nortgage and have money for the odd luxury, and so that she has someone that loves her looking after her.

Because it sounds like she doesn't want to. And there's nothing wrong with lentils and 2nd hand clothes if you want to make time with your children your priority.

spot on.

when i got pg i was solvent,had mortgage,career.no way i was giving that up

this frugal give it all up mum is touted on MN as an option.what option?lose your home,move,reduce career options

motherhood isnt a giving things up competition it also involves being responsible financially and morally.and if that means mum works so be it

Crossed posts sorry.
If thats what you want and think is best then great. Just saying that there's nothing wrong with not wanting to work fulltime. I feel there can sometimes be a bit of pressure to do the sensible thing, think of the money and the mortgage etc and that you can lose sight of what might actually be important to you.
I'm not a SAHM btw, I work pt 3 days, its a good balance for me, but everyone is different.

Eskimum and ScottishMummy you are both right - thanks for giving me food for thought.

I agree Scottish Mummy. This is really about the emotions of leaving your precious child to return to your working life. OP probably needs reassurance she isn't alone and will get through it. After all, they don't both need to be at home and there isn't much her partner can do about his position in the current climate.