To want a fair settlement and maintenance payments out of a divorce? (Sorry long)

[iloveshoesandbags]

I left my DH 6 months ago because I couldn't take anymore. He showed no love, expected me to work full time, organise his accounts (he is self-employed), do his tax vouchers, look after the kids, do the shopping, housework etc. etc. He worked the same amount of hours as me but would spend his "free" time doing his hobbies. I had to ask him to look after the kids whilst I did the shopping etc.!!! He criticised everything I did and had a temper (although never hit me or the kids). I was married for 16 years and have just started my divorce. All I want is a fair 50% and 50% of the cost of the kids. I am paid a bit more than him so haven't included any of my costs, just a basic cost for the kids including nursery fees.
He is arguing over everything and I've tried so hard to be reasonable for the sake of the girls. I've even ferried them to see him nearly every night for 6 months and they sleep there two nights a week. I've moved out and am renting a place so that he could keep our marital home but I'm coming to the end of my tether. I am seriously considering moving away to somewhere else in the country because I am sick of being taken for a fool.
If anyone can help me keep my sanity during this phase any advice would be much appreciated.

If i was you i would let him collect the children for contact. Why should you do all the work! i would go and see a solicitor. You are entitled to more than 50% and it should have been him who left the matrimonial home so you could stay there with the children. You could get an occupation order if he wont move out. You have a lot more rights than him! you should not suffer!

It sounds like it's time to get tough - I assume you have a good solicitor? Stop doing the ferrying for starters - assuming he has access to transport.

I would post this again in Relationships - advice will probably come faster from there.

Hope your feeling ok - havent been through this myself but as a child of divorce know how important it is for you to keep it together for your children.

HTH

Of course he's not going to be reasonable - he never has been, why would he start now?

IME, it will take about another year before thing settle down and you can both behave rationally. I wasted loads of £ on solicitors in the early days when things were irrational and nobody could see the wood for the trees.

Focus on each bit separately

• seeing the children: fair enough they are there two nights a week but why are you ferrying them over?
• child maintenance: go by CSA rules. Look them up on the CSA website. I think you will find you are entitled to about 14% of his net income for child maintenance.
• equity split: what does your solicitor say? basics are easy - 50:50 split if that means the parent with care can house the children; adjstments if not
• spousal maintenance - not applicable as your salaries are roughly equal

Ideally, concentrate on the issues that can't wait - which sounds like the children ferrying bit. Go slow on the finances until the air clears, if you can afford it.

And you may lose out financially - but isn't it worth it to be separated from this horrid man?

thanks for your advice.
I'm ferrying them because I don't want him to come near my place - I see it as my "haven" and fresh start. I don't want him anywhere near here. He also has had a temper in the past. This hasn't shown during this last 6 months but I know how quick it can change. (One of the reasons for leaving was my DD (9) ran into the garden on one of his rants at me!
She is also struggling at the minute and I'm taking her to counselling next week. I wanted to make it as easy as possible on her.
Still feel guilty for leaving even though I absolutely know it is the right thing for us all.
I left the marital home because I just needed to get out. I don't actually want to move back there. I felt suffocated there and like renting because I only have to give a month's notice and can move anywhere else. This is also a serious consideration if he doesn't come up with the maintenance. I'd like a fresh start somewhere else and if he doesn't pay then it makes it easier to leave.
he is self employed which makes it worse. it's easier for him to "hide" the actual amount he earns.
After being married for 16 years I would have thought he wouldn't have bargained over the basics for his children.
There is a plus side though, since I've left he has made more of an effort with the girls than he ever did when we lived there. Although he has started moving goalposts to suit his hobbies again.
He seems to be able to pay for these and nights out still.
We both want to try to come to an agreement to save on solicitors costs.
There is another plus side, he is going to accept a petition of unreasonable behaviour - my main reasons for leaving which he agrees to.
I just want to remain sane throughout this and not involve the girls in any of this. Youngest is 2.5 so doesn't understand just yet.