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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to split with DH after less than 6 months of marriage

15 replies

upsetmommy · 04/04/2009 15:06

my title speaks for itself...dh has stormed off with dd today and I'm stuck in feeling sorry for myself...love him dearly but lately we have done nothing but argue over the most trivial of things. he says that I make him unhappy and goad him into shouting. dd has started saying daddy angry, which I don't think is healthy. I don't want to split but feel terrible at the moment, what should I do? leave or carry on, I love him but feel frustrated...

OP posts:
thumbbunny · 04/04/2009 15:22

lord no, don't think of splitting yet, especially just after a row. One of my oldest friends (she is 87) said that the first year of marriage was the hardest and several times she wanted to walk out.

I assume you have been together much longer than you have been married - did things change after marriage?

Original poster
upsetmommy · 04/04/2009 15:32

Thanks thumbbunny. Been together nearly 5 years, he is away a lot with this new job. Left with quite an active toddler, but I get by, when he is away miss him, but when he is here, just irritates over slightest thing. he is not answering my calls, which I'm slightly worried about but think its to punish me.

OP posts:
thumbbunny · 04/04/2009 15:40

it may just be that your toddler is causing some of the problem - through tiredness and monotony of looking after her day in day out - I personally find that DH irritates the hell out of me quite a lot and has done since DS was about 6mo (he's 16mo now) but luckily for me DH is pretty laid back and puts up with me most of the time - sometimes he does just get fed up with me constantly griping and I have to remind myself that I do really love this man and that I wouldn't want to be without him.

I am aware myself that I am constantly finding fault (whether he's in the house or not!) because he doesn't do everything I need him to, or doesn't do it the way I would like it done, or he forgets something important or leaves something silly out where DS could find it. And when I'm in my more sensible moments, I realise that IABU and I need to accept he is NOT Me and does not do/know what I do.

If any of that sounds familiar, then I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone but it is something you need to be aware of. Look carefully at your Expectations of your DH and decide if YABU or YANBU, and then go from there.

thumbbunny · 04/04/2009 15:41

oh and the phone - he probably thinks you are ringing him to give him an earbashing and that's why he isn't answering! Send him a text instead.

chocolateismyonlyweakness · 04/04/2009 15:43

It sounds like he is under pressure with a new job, and his irritation could be that he's finding other things difficult and relfecting this into family life, also being parents with an active toddler is very draining, not that I am making excuses for his behaviour, it's not your fault that he shouts and gets angry, he is responsible for his own actions.

Why not get a babysitter and go out for an evening? I think you need to enjoy yourselves as a couple.

Do look after yourself.

DaisyMooSteiner · 04/04/2009 15:44

We argued more in the first year after we were married than at any other time and we've been married almost 10 years now!

Try and arrange to sit down and talk about how you feel (when your dd is in bed so you're undisturbed) and listen to how he feels too. If things don't improve why not see a counsellor? 6 months is very early on to throw in the towel.

MrsTittleMouse · 04/04/2009 15:46

I'll second thumbbunny. It's really easy to argue about silly stuff when everyone is over-tired and everyone needs a break but can't get one.

Also, when you have been together a long time before marrying (which is what we did) it can sometimes feel as though marriage won't make any difference. But it definitely does, and it's not unusual to have a bit of a panic about it, even if long term you're with a good person.

MuffinBaker · 04/04/2009 15:49

YABU in answer to your question but I think you are hurt and upset and are lashing out.

Marriage, ime, is easy peasy and needs no work at all until the children come along. Nothing prepares you for the tiredness and the extra work this small, perfect, gorgeous, smelly person brings.

I suggest you send a text, apologise if you are in the wrong, tell him you are missing him and when will you be home so you can talk and make up.

Original poster
upsetmommy · 04/04/2009 15:51

I do recognise everything you have said thumbbunny, I think what is upsetting me more is he has gone from being calm and laidback to my nagging to snapping back and shouting and blaming me for causing his anger. I have been trying lately not to be as picky, what I've noticed is he is more exasperated with me. I haven't said this in earlier posts, but I was getting his mobile the other day and checking for a number and noticed a rather flirty text he'd sent to his colleague. my own fault for snooping I suppose, paranoia and hurt are kicking in. Still no response on the phone so have sent a text.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 04/04/2009 16:05

Does he know you have seen this text? Because maybe you should tell him (unless you are a snooper and he already knows and is annoyed that you snoop). Because it sounds as if you suspect him of breaching monogamy - which could lead to a heightened level of tension. Because if he has no wicked intentions and yet you are treating him as though he's already bonked his way through his entire workplace, he is going to feel picked on and cross.
If you are not snoopy and genuinely borrowed his mobile to look up a phone number then he is not likely to be up to anything, because people who are up to something are far more protective of their mobiles.

nomoreamover · 04/04/2009 16:06

What a shitty situation! Does he work away for long periods? I'd find that hard too - and start to wonder if anything was going on and possibly be a little over suspicious. How are things when he is away - does he send you loving texts / phone calls - do you get to talk much in the evenings or is he out with colleagues?

I do agree with what the others have said - but don't let him take advantage or treat you like dirt - you do need to talk to him calmly and preferably away from the darling toddler! Get some honesty out about how you both feel

Original poster
upsetmommy · 04/04/2009 16:20

thanks all, I don't normally snoop just surprised when I read it. Not going to ask him about it as he will definitely rightfully fly off the handle about me reading his text. He is away a lot more this year than ever and works closely with this colleague so just being a bit paranoid. As said earlier we are closer when he is away than when he is here!

Out tonight so will have a deep chat then, finally spoke to him after silent treatment. feel a bit awkward but will work out, just few teething issues and perils of first year of marriage. Never used to be this bad, you'd probably say he is biting back!

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 04/04/2009 16:54

It does sound like you probably need to get a babysitter and go and do something grown up and fun together. Best of luck.

thumbbunny · 04/04/2009 23:34

any update? did you sort it out at all?

trixymalixy · 06/04/2009 23:12

Give it a bit longer. DH and I argued constantly in our first year of marriage having been together for 6 years before getting married and now have been married for 7 years.

Our firends were really worried about us as we had several arguments in front of them one that ended in me throwing my glass at him .

From other posts it sounds quite common.

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