To expect ex to see our dd over the holiday?

[arabellafigg1985]

My ex and i were together 5 years and seperated while i was pregnant with our dd who is almost one. From day one he has not been a 'hands on' kind of father and eventually this lead to a discussion on him doing more in terms of seeing her more regulary.

He is now in Birmingham doing a masters, which was his own choice. I previously went to university at Birmingham and many close frinds, including dd's god parents are still living there.

Our 'aggreement' invloves him making more effort to see dd when he is in the area (we live in cumbria). I spoke to him yesterday and told him that we (dd and I) were going to Birmingham for a few days to stay with dd's godparents and that he should see her. This turn into an argument with him saying that i was being undreasonable as it was not the 'agreement'.

He has not seen dd since christmas. I feel that maybe i am being unreasonable, but he says he doesnt have the money to drive to cumbria to see dd and so surely it just makes sense since i will be going there anyway...

If he isn't interested in seeing your dd there isn't really much you can do about it I'm afraid. It's his loss.

What you suggested was pefectly reasonable but it clearly interferes with his plans and he doesn't want to accommodate.

Sorry.

While he is at uni ask him to look up in a dictionary the meaning of the word "father"
He sounds a lazy selfish twat.

I think it's sad that he won't see her if you're in his city. On the other hand I wonder if telling him he "should" see his daughter was the mistake. If you really wanted him to see his daughter rather than score points off each other then I think telling him that you would be in Birmingham from this date to that date and that if he wished to see his daughter he could probably do so would have been more effective. No-one likes being told what they "should" do. It sounds very parental and patronising, although I do think it's sad he hasn't seen his daughter for that long. Birmingham to Cumbria isn't that far.

Thanks for the advice!

Sorry 2rebecca to clarify, i didn't tell him he should see her, just that we were there from sun-wed and that it would be nice if he could find some spare time over the 3 days to see dd. I insinuated that he should see her, but it wasen't an order.

He says that he has to work (he is only supposed to be working part time) and that he has other committments (study, football games). He maintained that the agreement was for him to see her in cumbria(at his convineince) and he would do that but he cannot afford the petrol at the moment.

I only suggested it as we are going to be there anyway and because i want dd to have a positive relationship with him, wether i agree with his choices or not....

arabella - tbh I think you are swimming upstream. You can't make him want to be a good Dad to her. You can stress yourself out trying to make him 'do' the right things, but I don't think you should. Leave the door open for him to visit if and when he wants to and then get on with your life. Let him build his own relationship with your DD and if he doesn't choose to do this, then it is his loss, you nagging him to visit wont give your daughter what you want her to have (a decent relationship with her Dad), only he can make that happen.

If you allow her to ask questions growing up and contact him if she asks you to and aren't standing in her way or running him down, then you are doing your bit, they need to work the rest of it out between them.

Sorry he's such a twat