Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

I want him to get a divorce and marry me. I'm getting fed up waiting ...

24 replies

bitmessy · 03/04/2009 15:57

We?re both in our 40s. He?s been separated for 5 years now and living with me for 4 of those years. The thing that bugs me is that he is still married to the mother of his kids. About a month after we met he went to court as his ex was divorcing him. The judge said they had not lived apart long enough for him to grant a divorce. Then he moved in with me and I assumed the divorce would go through at some stage. He?s told me that they would sell their house when the youngest left home so I waited. Well she?s left home to go to uni (good old Facebook!!!) so I?m not sure where that leaves me. He?s a very laid back guy - one of the many things I love about him - but it is driving me nuts. I did mention the house sale / divorce a few weeks ago and he rapidly changed the subject. I do love him but I want to get married before I hit 50! Any ideas or thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 03/04/2009 15:59

did you discuss marriage explicitly or did you assume it would happen?

why would he change the subject of marriage?

SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 16:00

If he wanted to marry you he would.

AMumInScotland · 03/04/2009 16:06

Tell him you want to get married. Ask him if he has any intention of getting a divorce from her. Don't just "mention it" in a polite and tactful way which gives him room to change the subject. That way, he has to think about it, and take the question seriously. He may think everything's fine the way it is, and you're not that bothered, so you have to make it clear that you are bothered.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 16:10

sorry, but I agree with Soup. He has no reason to not divorce - 2 years separation is required for one of those no fault divorces, isn't it? (I think) so he's had ample time.

It may be that he doesn't want to go down that road again.

He did a subject change when you raised the issue - he doesn't want to.

Original poster

bitmessy · 03/04/2009 16:13

Thanks for the responses.

I just assumed his ex would finish divorcing him and then we'd get engaged and married in due course.

He knows I have debts (student and divorce) and at the minute he is not liable for them. (He has money in the bank and has helped financially support me for some time.)

He's probably just happy with the way things are.

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 03/04/2009 16:14

I agree with Soupy and Hecate. He doesn't want to marry you (maybe he's gone off marriage?).

You can get divorced after 5 years' separation even if the other party to the marriage doesn't consent.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 03/04/2009 16:26

Assuming is never good. You will have to tell him outright that you want to marry him and see what he says. If he doesn't want to marry you, are you prepared to continue the relationship? Whle your feelings matter, so do his, and it's never a good idea to coax or pressure someone into marriage as that person will bring it up in every row you ever have ('Well I never wanted to marry you anyway...')

Original poster

bitmessy · 03/04/2009 16:27

Reasons for him not to divorce: -

Divorces cost money, now would not be the best time to sell his old house, don't rock the boat, he's scared of the old dragon and I'm between jobs again.

Reasons for him to get a divorce: -

I want to get married (and that costs more money).

Mmmm I'm starting to think it is not worth the hassle.

OP posts:

moshie · 03/04/2009 16:48

If he is still married to her wouldn't that make her her his next of kin, so if anything drastic happened to him his wife would have a say in his treatment ( or funeral ). She would also have a claim on any money or property he owns. I think I'd be pushing him to get divorced for those reasons, not just saying it's because you want him to marry you now.
I'm not sure about the accuracy of this after being separated for five years though, but it's certainly something to look into.

MyNameIsInEggGoMontoya · 03/04/2009 16:51

Propose to him

go on go on go on!

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 03/04/2009 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

bitmessy · 03/04/2009 17:17

I nearly proposed to him on the last leap year but my Mum talked me out of it. She knew how upset I'd be if he said no.

I guess what I really want to know is if he will marry me before I am 50.

I can't give him an ultimatum just in case.

I think I'll go and see the CAB and get confirmation re divorce, debts, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

bitmessy · 03/04/2009 17:28

Eeeeeeeeeeeek maybe his divorce came through and he never mentioned it!

OP posts:

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 03/04/2009 17:51

Divorces are not that expensive. All the paperwork is available online and you can get free legal advice through CAB.

It reeks of crappy excuses. I frankly think he just doesn't want to marry you, and continuing to be 'unavailable' for marriage is his way out. Sorry.

HortonHatchesTheChocolateEgg · 03/04/2009 18:19

I'd just talk to him and tell him it's important to you. If you don't feel you can do that, do you really think this relationship has a future?

DoThisDoThat · 03/04/2009 19:26

I think divorce and financial settlements are seperate. He can get a divorce without sorting out the house. That's a technical point though, it's practical to do both at the same time for a clean break. But you do need to tell him you want to get married. Don't pussy foot around, you don't have the time and you're not a teenager any more.

caramelwaffle · 03/04/2009 21:12

Ask him. Outright. You're not sixteen. If he wants to marry you, he will get a divorce and marry you. If not.....

mrsjammi · 03/04/2009 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

geordieminx · 03/04/2009 21:16

Is his wife living in his (their) house? Who pays for that then?

TBH Although the fact that he is married would piss me off, the fact that he had a house somewhere that his (ex)wife was living in would piss me off soooooooooo much more!

4andnotout · 03/04/2009 21:19

Hi bitmessy, no advice im afraid but to let you know that you are not alone I have been with my dp for 5 years and had 3 babies but he is still married to someone else, although in our cass it was because she wouldn't sign the papers. Now that they have been legally seperated 5 years we just have to find the cash to pay for the divorce (and with 4 kids it may be hard )

tigerdriver · 03/04/2009 21:20

Is he just a procrastinator? He might just have let it go without really thinking about it?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 03/04/2009 21:23

The only way you are going to find out what's going on is to talk to him. Tell him that you want to marry him. Then listen to what he says. He might just not have thought about it, as tigerdriver says but he might not want to get married again after having had his first marriage fail.

ScottishMummy · 03/04/2009 21:36

how does he explain his reticence?maybe he doesn't want to marry

Nighbynight · 03/04/2009 21:52

Why has his ex not divorced him after all this time? has she not met anyone else?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread