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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed at my friend for not coming to my wedding

38 replies

Bubbles01 · 02/04/2009 14:16

I am getting married in a couple of weeks and one of my friends has decided she can't come because she hasn't got a babysitter. This has really annoyed me as I feel shes making excuses. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubbles01 · 02/04/2009 14:54

Sorry to hear that Riven, however the eyes are generally on the bride and I would rather have her company in bin bags that not turn up because she has nothing to wear!!

OP posts:

RibenaBerry · 02/04/2009 14:58

Riven, that's really sad . I would rather friends turned up in jeans than feel they couldn't come because of an outfit problem!

sarah293 · 02/04/2009 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PeachyLikesHerChoccyRabbit · 02/04/2009 15:00

Riven anyone who cares about whatb yu wear isn't a friend IMHO (but I can see a flipside that I uld probably feel embarassed even if nobody else cared)

ScottishThistle · 02/04/2009 15:01

I agree, there's something else behind this.

If she's a great friend you surely should be able to get the truth out of her.

If she's not a great friend I wouldn't be fretting about it and just enjoy your day.

Maybe she's having serious financial problems?

Perhaps has found out somebody she doesn't like is going to be there and would feel very uncomfortable?

paisleyleaf · 02/04/2009 15:07

It does sound like it might be an excuse to cover something else. Maybe cost....outfit, pressie etc And fair enough.

SalBySea · 02/04/2009 15:32

"have you asked her why she cant/wont come?"

why on earth would you want to do that?

She said no and has given a reason

If its not the real reason then she obviously doesnt wanna say so why push it

There could be lots of reasons eg:

DC going through a horrible phase were she cant find anyone to handle them and doesnt want them smearing the walls at your wedding
Doesnt like the other guests
Likes one of the other guests too much
cant afford a gift and embarrassed to turn up without
feeling very fat or down and doesnt feel up to it
hates weddings

OP you really wont care/notice on the day

WildSeahorses · 02/04/2009 16:32

I had a similar issue and posted about it a few days ago. In my case, I was surprised that while a lot of people I wasn't sure would come were very keen to do so, a couple of my closest friends declined (after already having accepted ) as they had other things to do that day. I came to realise that, whereas I still considered them to be close friends, maybe they didn't see me as quite such a close friend anymore. TBH it has altered my perception of our friendship a bit. Do you think that your friend might regard herself as one of your less close friends and therefore thinks it won't matter as much if she isn't there? In any event, YANBU to be disappointed that someone with whom you wanted to share a special day will not be there. Even if you actually don't notice on the day itself, it is obviously on your mind now.

BouncingTurtle · 02/04/2009 16:40

I think I put on the invites something on the lines of "no dress code, where what you like, we don't care as long as you turn up!".

Bubbles - I don't think YABU, but perhaps her baby is at a difficult stage where she finds it hard to take her baby anywhere, I went through some stages like that!

BouncingTurtle · 02/04/2009 16:41

where = wear, obviously

sayithowitis · 02/04/2009 16:44

Maybe she is making excuses, but it could be that she has another, genuine reason for not coming but is too embarrassed to tell you so has just used the babysitter excuse? If your friendship is important to you, I think I would send her a card, explaining again, kindly, that her son is very welcome and that you would really love her to be a part of your special day. You could even say that you hope nothing else has upset her or made her not want to come, but if so, give her the opportunity to give her reasons. Does she have a partner? is she someone who will feel that everyone is with an 'other half' except her? Could finance be an issue? I know you want her there regardless of what she is wearing, but maybe she feels awkward that she won't come up to scratch in the fashion stakes? Could she be worried she can't give you a gift? Actually, have jus re read one of your posts. Was her son invited originally or just because she can't get a sitter? maybe she feels bad about that. I don't know the reason, it just really sounds to me that there is something else going on here and if you haven't fallen out, I am just guessing that in some way she feels she will be letting you down if she does come! Don't be annoyed with her, just offer her some support if you can and see if she will come once she feels more comfortable with it.
Hope you have a great day.

paisleyleaf · 02/04/2009 16:50

It's very nice all those of you who would just like their friends to share in their day.....
but it can be a bit embarrassing for the guest in jeans and bin liners with no gift.
Sometimes we just have to say no to stuff
can't do everything.

Money might well not be the friend's issue here
but it often is.

Also, I know it can be difficult for some brides to come to terms with......but not everyone is as going to be as excited about the wedding as you.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 02/04/2009 18:17

I think sayit has good advice in that you should give her an opportunity to say what's bothering her but don't push it. SHe doesn't have to come to your wedding. If she is making an excuse then it's because either she is embarrassed about the real reason for not coming (in which case it would be nosy and unkind of you to drag it out of her) or the real reason is something that she knows you will find hurtful (she is bored with your friendship or doesn't agree with your choice of DH) and is trying to be tactful.

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