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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want step sons involved in new baby?

21 replies

shell96 · 01/04/2009 09:18

This may not end up being a problem but i am trying to figure out how to deal with it if it does arise in the future.

My OH is quite a bit older than me and has kids with his ex (boys of 18 and 16 and girl of 13) and we are now expecting a baby together. We have been together over 5 years so not a new relationship.

Currently the only one of his kids he has regular contact with is his daughter. He sometimes manages to speak to or see his younger son if he is at home when he calls but the older boy will have nothing to do with him. To give a brief history i got on great with all three kids for the first 3 years or so of our relationship but since then they have turned against us saying i have taken their dad away (although they told other family members they didnt like me because i cook strange food?!).

I have no probs with his daughter and she is really excited at being a big sister and looking forward to the baby arriving. The eldest boy though has said that he, quote, "wants nothing to do with the kid" and the youngest boy says he is not in the least bit interested in having a new brother or sister.

This actually helps me avoid a difficult situation because even if they did want to be involved i wouldnt want them to be. They have both left school with little/no education, use foul language, they drink and use drugs, neither works or is in further education, both have criminal records for some serious offences and i generally feel they are not suitable/safe role models for a child without a major change of attitude/lifestyle/etc.

However i do feel it's important for a child to know their family and i am aware that if the situation is different and i had children from a past relationship then they would be involved with the baby.

Like i said, at the moment this isn't really a problem but i know if it arises in the future it will be hard to deal with and my opinions will probably cause big family problems and will put my OH in a very difficult situation. I just don't want to put my baby at risk although i know that equally i cant take away every risk it will ever be exposed to.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 01/04/2009 09:21

Just leave it. You cannot force a relationship between your DSSs and your new baby and if your DSD is interested and excited about her new sibling, that is lovely.

MrsMattie · 01/04/2009 09:21

I think this will come back and bite you on the bum a a later date.

They are your DH's children, no matter what they are like. The mature and fair thing to do would be to let all the kids know that your door is always open to them.

Sorrento · 01/04/2009 09:26

I agree you can't pretend that people like your DSS don't exist, let them come and go as they please, be friendly and let the baby makes it's own mind up about it's siblings otherwise you'll make them seem really exciting if the babe is stopped from seeing them.

Original poster

shell96 · 01/04/2009 09:56

Yeah i guess we just have to wait and see how things pan out.

Would never try and deny they exist though - there are pics of them up in our house, they only live 5 mins away from us and can't tell baby it has a sis but pretend the brothers don't exist.

I suppose by the time the baby is old enough to be affected by their influence they might have changed their ways.

OP posts:

Reallytired · 01/04/2009 10:03

Your baby will probably meet worst people at school. I doult that you have a problem because the boys aren't that interested in the baby. If the boys want to, they can always meet the baby without necessarily babysitting.

At 13 your step daughter is too young to take any responsiblity for the baby. Its nice for her to visit the baby and play with him/her.

BouncingTurtle · 01/04/2009 10:15

I think it sounds as if the boys have already decided for you - they don't want to be involved. TBH even if they were paragons of virtue I doubt a baby would be of interest to a teenage boy!!
At least you have a good relationship with your DSD, it'll be good for her to get involved - after all this is her baby brother/sister she will me meeting! I wouldn't go out of your way to prevent your DSSs seeing the baby - but it sounds like you won't have to - and to be honest the first few months your baby won't even notice. Hopefully in a few years your dss will have matured and settled down and will then be interested in their little brother/sister.

madeindevon2 · 01/04/2009 12:44

im in similar situation.
my dh and i have a son of nearly 2 yrs old
his dd (aged 16 and 18) have seen him probably about 6 times and make a fuss of him when they do,
my husband ds (aged 14) wants nothing to do with our son.
im not looking fwd to my son asking why his half brother wants nothing to do with him but equally i wont be pretending he doenst exist....
incidentally his son refuses to see me too (always has done although we been togther 8 yrs and married for 3!)

hobbgoblin · 01/04/2009 12:48

As a mother, and step mother I think it is totally wrong to close the door on your step sons.

You can keep a safe distance, the baby will not be in harm's way but will grow up learning love and tolerance from you if you support the relationship between father, sons, half siblings and yourself.

gagamama · 01/04/2009 13:04

It sounds like your DSSs are pretty damaged young people. I don't imagine that seperating them from 'your' family and holding your new baby up on some kind of pedestal which they can't touch is really going to encourage happy relations when the child is much older. I understand where you are coming from and naturally you want to protect your baby, but these boys are going to be related to your child and you knew that before you got pregnant. I think YABU to expect them to stay away, but I also think it's perfectly acceptable for them not to care much about the baby. Teenage boys are strange and difficult creatures.

DandyLioness · 01/04/2009 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentiallyAnEmptyGrave · 01/04/2009 13:06

Your dh does not have a great track record as a father if 2 of his 3 children have turned out so badly...

Triggles · 01/04/2009 13:06

It's possible that their feelings will change over the next few years, and also highly possible that their behaviour will as well. I'd just wait and see what develops. Good luck!

QuintessentiallyAnEmptyGrave · 01/04/2009 13:07

I did not intend for that to come out as harshly. But, do leave an open door.

5Foot5 · 01/04/2009 13:32

" They have both left school with little/no education, use foul language, they drink and use drugs, neither works or is in further education, both have criminal records for some serious offences and i generally feel they are not suitable/safe role models for a child without a major change of attitude/lifestyle/etc. "

So who was their role model for them to be behaving like this?

hobbgoblin · 01/04/2009 13:44

Indeed 5foot5. They are only just entering adulthood themselves, and obviously have not had the love and guidance needed to steer them in better directions, poor things.

BouncingTurtle · 02/04/2009 08:28

Who says there has to be a role model? They may have gotten in with a wrong crowd?

I went to college with a girl who came from a much better family background than me (my parents separated when I was twelve - there was a lot of nastiness and some DV, she was the only child of very well to do parents).
I was the good girl who kept my head down and did well, this girl was an out-and-out slut who eventually dropped out.

The OP has said nothing about her OH and his exP and why they split. So I'd be very careful about making comments about 'poor role models'.
And I think 16 & 18 is old enough to know right from wrong.

smudgethepuppydog · 02/04/2009 09:26

Having 'well to do' parents does not mean you have good role models. You can be well to do yet not yet not really be involved in your (only) child's life. There's always a role model but you get to an age where your parental role model is less and less influential.

themildmanneredjanitor · 02/04/2009 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thelionmummy · 02/04/2009 09:53

yep - looks like your DH did a "great" job with those boys . But you know what - my DD has left school with no education to speak of apart from a handful of GCSEs and an art diploma at a similar level. She has bummed around on her lazy arse for the past two years. She uses foul language, drinks and has taken drugs. But she is 18 now, and growing out of all that - she is settling down and thinking of going back to college. Me, i left school without even sitting a gcse or o level (showin my age) used foul language, drank, got into trouble with the police, but no record (just drunken exploits!) - now i have a PhD and everybody thinks i'm an alpha mummy to DD2!! My point being - that you shouldnt write people off, especially at such a young age.

Lets hope you continue to be the "perfect" mummy that you visualise yourself as, allowing no bad influences on your child - do let us know when you step back into the real world wont you.

Littlepurpleprincess · 02/04/2009 13:42

TBH even if they were paragons of virtue I doubt a baby would be of interest to a teenage boy!! I have 3 teenage brothers and they love DS to bits, and are really good with him. I was suprised too.

I think you should make it clear to them that are welcome in your home and to see the baby, but they have to be on their best behaviour when they come around - this is what you would expect from anyone coming into your home. You could make sure all access is supervised at first but give them a chance, they might suprise you if you do.

Also, consider why you don't like them. Is it those problems (that many teenagers go through) or did you just not want step children? My step mother hates me just for existing, because life would be easier if it were just her, my dad and their 2 children. But your step sons didn't ask for their dad to re-marry, and didn't get to choose you. Ultimatly it was your desiscision to marry someone with other kids and you have to accept they come as a package.

caramelwaffle · 02/04/2009 15:33

If the boys want nothing to do with your baby you cannot force the issue. Let them know that the door is always open to them. It is really good that your step-daughter is showing an interest. Encourage her as much as you can. It is a good age for girls to be around, and involved with, babies.

Good luck.

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