to feel my MIL2B still prefers her "old" DIL to me and only wants to see her and her child?

[BigusBumus]

My DH2B (with whom I have a DS, age2) has an ex-wife and a DS aged 6. I also have an ex-H and a DS aged 6. DH's son lives with his EXWife, but stays with us 3 times a week.

We live in village 1, my MIL2B lives in Village 2 and ExWife lives in vilage 3, all in a triange shape about 2 miles from each other.

My MIL (2B) phones the (working, full time) exwife a few times a week, shares in her deepest secrets, has her son (My step-son) over (for the night) at least once a week and whenever the ex wants a night out (every weekend). In contrast, she hardly ever sees our 2 year old, doesn't ever babysit, never calls me (although i am at home with him all day) and really only sees him and us about once a month, despite tha fact that i am open and welcoming to her.

My H2B was with his ex for 14 years and so she was in my MILs life for a long time compared to me who's only been here for 4 years, but I am going crazy with the feeling of dis-loyalty she is displaying, and the lack of "fairness". (I would love a night out with my partner, and really soon!)

The Ex had an affair and left with the son, leaving the whole family reeling - she was the scum of the earth for a long time, until the last year or so and now appears to be my MILs best friend. My MIL says she is too scared that the ex will stop her from seeing her grandson if she doesn't do all she can to help.... but this isn't the case as the Ex loves her freedom and social life too much to ever scupper it. (And don't get mewrong, i don't begrudge her a life, we all need one, including me!)

Perhaps i am being unreasonable to expect MIL (and FIL) to want to see DS and "help us out" sometimes, when she feels so much in "mourning" for the fact that her sons marriage broke down and the Ex (her 1st DIL) left her life. (She often tells me how upset she was when i got PG as it meant no chance for my DP and the Ex getting back together, and that she watches their wedding video sometimes and cries).

I am so angry sometimes..the Ex goes out every weekend (takes ecstacy, coke and speed), never reads with her son or feeds him anything other than bowls of cereal etc...My MIL USED to think i was an "amazing mother" (her words) in that i washed his hair when he was with us, cut his nails, read with him, cleaned his school shoes, fed him proper food etc. Now she just thinks the Ex needs her support... and that i don't.

My H2B is fed up with it too and feels like i do, we feel like moving away to be nearer my mum (who drives 60 miles to see us once a week).

AIBU? I feel isolated and lonely and think that my son(s) and I don't matter to my H2Bs family, only the ex and my stepson do.

Is there anybody with similar experiences out there? How do you cope with being the 2nd wife and being a bit of an outcast?

YANBU - move to your mum and be happier. I am the 1st (and hopefully lasting!) wife so can't really give any advice.

this might be better posted in relationships (and try step parents as may get a few folk in same boat).. it sounds like there are a few things here (and you're not being unreasonable - you feel how you feel but its important to think about the different things here) - ie your sense of isolation/needing a break when caring for your ds , your feelings re your role in new family and particularly its relationship to your ds, dh feelings re PIL/Ex relationship, your antipathy to the ex. Now that is a lot to deal with so I'd focuse on the key ones that are likely to affect you/dp - ie your isolation -can anyone else care for ds - could you stay with/get your mum to stay over so you can have a night out? any local friends who you could trade babysitting favours with ? any toddler groups you can go to ? I think that dealing with that first might take sting out of other bit.

also you say mil is "mourning" the ex -did she say this? doesnt seem to stack up with fact she was an outcast - maybe your MIL is genuinely sorry for her and hoping by being a good grandma she can provide some love/continunity in addition to what you/dp do .. from what you say it does sound like your dss may not always get attention

To be honest if I was your MIL I'd be more concerned about the emotional welfare of my grandchild with the exwife, who sounds like a rubbish mum. OK we've only your side of the story and my picture of my husbands exwife is probably more negative than the truth, but even so I think a caring granny would spend more time looking after a grandchild they thought was being neglected than one with 2 loving parents.
I'd take it as a complement to your parenting abilitites and just get on with life. Pretend she lives 100 miles away or something so you don't expect any help from her and FIL (why is it always the women who are expected to help out, why doesn't your husband ask FIL?). Do you really want your MIL phoning you several times a week?
If you need more help I'd consider paying for it. Grannies shouldn't have all their DILs clammering for free childcare. They've done their bit. Grannie is maybe making your life easier when you have your stepson by helping him be more emotionally secure and less likely to act up.

One thing re your post re moving near your mum is would this move your husband away from his son? You see the boy 3 times a week. If so please don't do it, it's incredibly selfish. Your husbands relationship with his son is far more important than your desire for a bit of free childcare. Your son will soon be at school and then you won't need as much help, where as children continue to need their parents and I think boys in particular really benefit from a strong relationship with a loving father. Good male role models are important for boys who as they get older often accept discipline and behaviour rules better from their dad than anyone else.

I agree, she's doing this for the child's benefit not the ex's, she knows your son is fine and has a stable set of parents so he's less of a concern.

yes yabu

you mil2b isn't being disloyal, she's being a grandparent as best she can

you are totally over reacting and are building this into an issue that over time you will wish you hadn't.
Why don't you call her or take a walk with your ds to see her in the day. Build a relationship with her that isn't based on what you feel is your right but rather one that is built on friendship and common ground between you developed over time.

If you want to go out with your dp call a babysitter.

BTW, do "we" feel like moving away to be near your mum or do you? Is your DP actually fed up or are you?

excellent post poppy34

While I agree that she is probably being honest in that she doesn't want the ex to stop her seeing her grandson and that is more than likely the reason for all this, I think this line in your post is really telling -

She often tells me how upset she was when i got PG as it meant no chance for my DP and the Ex getting back together, and that she watches their wedding video sometimes and cries

What a truly horrible thing to say to someone! If she felt like this then fine but for gods sake don't say that to your new DIL who incidentally is carrying your gandchild that you are upset about the conception of!

I can understand why you are upset - I would be furious if someone said that to me.

That said, there is probably bugger all you can do about her behaviour - try and let it go, don't think about her and her relationship with the exw and concentrate of your dps little boy. If his mum is as crap as you describe her then he needs you and your dp (and his grandmother) all the more.

I know it is tough when you are far away from your family and feel like you have no support network but he is more important than you in this situation (again, sorry I know it is hard but it's true)

Also - just another thought but is she helping the ex wife a lot and calling her a lot to because she feels she can't cope and needs help and wants to keep an eye on her grandsons well being whiloe he is with her mum? Maybe she feels that as you are a great mum and are coping that she doesn't want to step in - do you ask her for help at all?

A MIL crying over her son's wedding video from a previous marriage and telling you about it- if that's for real I can't see how anyone could think you're being unreasonable in being upset about her reaction to you.

some MIL aren't very good (its taken nearly 4 yaers for mine to stop making comments re teh ex and we had a good couple of years of "oh did I leave the wedding photo out -silly me").. its her relationship with your dc that counts. but its really her issue about her son/his relationships /what the breakdown says about how she brought up her son etc etc
Fact she is not always very nice is probably another chapter in the already overflowing new mumsnet book "mother in laws -the wedding gift you can't take back"

Thank you for your replies everyone, it certainly helps to put it into perspective. I wrote my post at night time 3/4 of the way through a bottle of wine and feeling particularly Woe Is Me.

Feel better today, and will try and heed your advice. Thank you.

Sorry, have just realised I have said the same thing as other people re - your mil being more concerned about your dss because perhaps his mother isn't coping to well.

But I still think she is an almighty bitch for saying that to you about you and your son stopping dh and his ex from getting back together.

What did you say when she said that? Was dp there - and what did he say? I know my dp would be furious as well - even more so given the circumstances of their split! Perhaps he needs to put her straight that you are the person that makes him happy, not the person who is standing in the way of his happiness.

If she wants to have a relationship with his ex - thats great, they were in one anothers lives for a long time and it is good for your dss to see his family getting on. That said she needs to understand this is how things are now and that you are her sons family (not excluding your dss by the way), and are to be respected and not spoken to so hurtfully as such.

I think if she says anything like this again you need to call her on it - ie say something like - actually mil, that was a really hurtful thing to say, I'm sure you didn't mean to upset me but if you feel this way I would rather you discussed it with someone else as it has left me feeling very unwanted.

I would imagine if she is in mourning for anything it is the life she imagined for her son and gs and while it was the ex wife that scuppered that maybe she is directing that at the wrong person - ie you.

Sorry for the huge post, your op has been playing on my mind for some reason (nothing to do with my own mil issues honest )

X posted with you there thanks to my epic post!

Drunken mil posts are great - a bit like writing a letter you never send.