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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to put money on the side before i leave him

15 replies

self · 31/03/2009 13:40

Yes you guessed it he had an emotional relationship with a woman at work, he says it meant nothing, i feel hurt and angry so please help me- i need to put money aside before i can leave him so me and my two kids are financially secure the problem is i am a stay at home mum and can't go to work at the moment my last one is too young he has never qustioned the way i spend money which i have always been careful but how do i do it .

OP posts:
Original poster
self · 31/03/2009 13:50

bump

OP posts:
bleh · 31/03/2009 13:54

It's not unreasonable to put money aside, but are you sure you want to leave him?

messymissy · 31/03/2009 13:54

mmmm....good question...may sound dishonest to some but a running away fund is something I know a lot of mums have just in case.

if you are married you are protected by the law and the Children Act protects your children financially until 18 if you are not married.

If he doesn't question how you spend money and you have access to cash...just increase the shopping bill by a small amount each week and save it - buy premium bonds.

dmo · 31/03/2009 14:06

will it not take ages to save?
if you really wanted to leave him you would do it straight away

Original poster
self · 31/03/2009 14:11

thank you bleh i am not sure we can get back to how we were he wants me to sit and sing in a cage for him and messy yes we are married i will be looking in the bonds the tricky bit is when i shop with our joint alc it shows that i got cash back i will need to limit the frequency of cash out i trying to get ideas on where the money can come from.

OP posts:
tessofthedurbervilles · 31/03/2009 14:12

Well not that I am a dishonest person...but I knew someone once who did the same....everytime she went shopping she got cashback, it does not show as seperate unless you have the receipt. On the bank statement it just shows total spent...the cash I think she put in an instant access savings account ready to make the break.

Original poster
self · 31/03/2009 14:13

Dmo he is big in the legal field i am looking at a time period of say five years if i can manage that.

OP posts:
Original poster
self · 31/03/2009 14:16

tess with our bank it shows, if i had a friend whom i could do a joint shop with then she could give me cash or everytime i did something with friends i paid but i am scarred that they might tell him.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 31/03/2009 14:16

I'm not sure that I would be able to live in a situation when i had to wait until I had enough cash to leave. You know that you will be entitled to tax credits and if you have the kids with you, he will pay maintenance (If he's working, 15% of his income for the first child and another 5% for each other child) You should also look into housing benefit and other benefits which you will be entitled to until you get back on your feet.
Speak to the CAB or look at entitledto.com and get a clearer idea of what support you have financially.

I think hiding away money could only lead to problems with trust in the future - he's a lair and you don't want to give him any ammunition to accuse you of being dishonest.

Being a single mum is bloody hard work but it's beeter than being in an unhappy marriage - for you and the kids.

pingping · 31/03/2009 14:17

Isnt that stealing if its his money:???

tessofthedurbervilles · 31/03/2009 14:19

Could you buy things and ebay them? clutching at straws for you here....but would he notice?

unavailable · 31/03/2009 14:30

Hang on - you are so unhappy that you want to end your marriage, but you are prepared to wait for 5 years until you feel you have enough money squirreled away.

This doesnt make sense at all.

if you are sure you want to seperate, there is nothing to stop you doing it now. You are married and therefore he will have to provide for you and the children fairly and in proportion to his income.

How do you think you can function in a relationship with this long term plan in the back of your mind, and always on edge in case he notices something amiss with the finances?

Are you sure you want to leave?

TheCrackFox · 31/03/2009 14:34

If you have a plan of 5 years how about training to be a childminder? You could easily save up quite a bit over 5 years if you were bringing in extra cash through your own business.

If you take out an extra £10 a week cash back that will be £2500 by the time your plan is up.

Are you really sure you will still feel the same way in 5 years? Your marriage might be back on track by then.

Original poster
self · 31/03/2009 15:17

tess thanks for the ebay bit thats a great idea, he says he does not want to separate or divorce so i think i just need this as security as i still love him and the other women he has said she is out of the picture.

OP posts:
unavailable · 31/03/2009 15:27

How would you feel if you found out he was planning to do the same? (secreting away some money, "just in case")

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