4yr old boy behaviour...

[wonderingwondering]

DS is four, not started school yet. Has a friend who is generally not that nice to him. All 4-yr-old stuff but it upsets him - he doesn't understand. So the other boy will call him a baby and say his toys are rubbish, play quite roughly and jump on him even though my son is saying 'no' and doesn't want to fight/play fight.

Now I know that kids are kids. But his mother dismisses it all as 'oh, he's being a boy...'. I think he's rude and my instinctive reaction is that this boy doesn't have a very nice nature. Then I think, god, this is a four year old child, don't judge. Other mothers have commented on this boy's aggressive behaviour, and I generally defend the boy as I really don't like labeling such a young child!

Am I being over-protective? Is it normal for children to behave like that? And I feel quite irritated with his mother for not picking him up on it. AIBU?

Saying boys will be boys is a cop out IMHO. Yes this little boy is going through a confusing time at the moment but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have boundaries set and be taught right from wrong. I have a DS who is 2 and he can be quite boistrous but already he is having to learn that if he can't play nicely and treat other people nicely then playtime is over and we leave. I don't know how well you know his Mum and if it is something you feel able to say to her but you could point out that being a boy is no excuse for behaving like this. If his Mum isn't doing anything about it then I think maybe the time has come to put an end to playdates. When they start school you could let the teacher know from the start that this boys behaviour upsets your son. If it does carry on when they start school then keep on at the school about it. You might come across as a moaning Mother but your son is worth it.

I agree with 'mychildren'. Yes, boys will be boys to a certain extent but they should also be sensitive to other children's feelings and be taught that by their parents/carers. Four can be a confusing age for them as they come across other personalities and sometimes I think we perhaps expect a lot from them, but learning what's acceptable behaviour is all part of growing up.

I have a three year old boy (and 6yr old dd) who can also be boisterous, but he does have a kind caring side too. What's the most important thing is that, as parents, we're seen by others to endorse this, and not just ignore bad behaviour. I think you're quite within your rights to say something, or if you feel that's too difficult, keep your distance for a while. Your son will find his way at school and realise that not all boys are like this, or allowed to behave in a such a way.

Good luck!

Thanks, that is helpful and has stiffened my resolve to try to deal with things - I think a bit of distance is the right thing, unfortunately. I think I've tried to give this boy the benefit of the doubt but now the situation, esp with school looming, is making me feel quite anxious. Time to be a bit selfish and look after my DS. I know he'll have to toughen up but while I can protect him, I want to!

SGB, you are right about school, thanks - pre-emptive is def not the right thing but I'll keep an eye out and have a word if it becomes a problem. He's my PFB, can you tell?!

i know this sounds awful, but also bear in mind that other parents may well exclude your ds if he is seen to be too close to the other boy.
i know how horrid that sounds, but i really suffered from that before we moved. dd's 'best' friend had been at nursery with her since they were tiny. the other girl's mum had a VERY different parenting style from me. however, she took it upon herself to ask school to keep the two girls sitting together (without consulting me) and frequently told everyone that me & her were best friends & the two girls were best friends!!
other mums didn't want their kids playing with a girl who bit, pushed, hit, screamed, lied etc etc, which is how the other girl behaved whenever a teacher/adult wasn't looking. by association, dd was treated warily. luckily, i got to know some of the mums & made it clear that i was NOT best friend with the other girl's mum, and that dd would NOT behave like that, and then dd started getting more play dates.

it is so hard, i felt so mean for trying to draw back from the other girl, as it wasn't her fault, but then, i don't want my dd thinking that it's OK to play like this.

exactly - I know a few other mothers have started to reduce contact with this child or are very wary around him (esp with their younger children). But it is awful to label and exclude such a young child, who is already subject to so much upheaval. But what's the alternative? The mother clearly hasn't picked up on hints - actually, she gives me advice that I should let my son run a bit wilder, and be more boisterous.

wonderingwondering - I think I would go the other way actually, if they are going to be in the same class. I would see more of them and make sure DS was armed with the 'tools' to deal with it (things to say and do), so that he's better prepared (more practice) for being at school with this boy (and others!!).

I would also be having lots of 'discussions' with the other boy. At 4 they are well old enough to be both sly and spiteful and I would be telling him very clearly it wasn't acceptable!!