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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect someone to let me know how long they plan on staying?

16 replies

dingledangle · 30/03/2009 16:15

A friend is coming to stay for the weekend in a few weeks time and at the moment is planning on arriving around the time the kids have their dinner and go to bed (the dreaded 5-7pm witching hour!).

AIBU to ask her to arrive before or after this time?

She is also being vague about how long she will be staying ie all weekend or just one night!!!! Depending on what she wants to do with her boyfriend!

Is it unreasonable to ask what time she will arrive? And whether she is staying one or two nights?

OP posts:

hannahsaunt · 30/03/2009 16:18

I don't mind not knowing when they are arriving but I do like to know if they will be expecting dinner. Not that fussed abou tknowing length of stay but will intimate prior arrangements if appropriate e.g. children's tennis lesson or the like

ChippingIn · 30/03/2009 16:20

Dingledangle - I don't think it's so much if you are being reasonable or unreasonable as much as does it really matter?? If she is arriving during the witching hour(s) you can tell her that she's welcome to follow you around while you feed and bath the kids or she can make herself a cuppa and relax... if she doesn't know what she's doing yet (one or two nights) she can't really tell you can she - is there a problem? Do you feel you are coming second best to the bf? Or do you just want to make plans for the weekend (which is still a week away - along time for those without kids!!).

Trinityrhino · 30/03/2009 16:23

I wouldn't be bothered, dont thin it really matters tbh

If she is a good friend she'll muck in during the witching hour anyway

Original poster

dingledangle · 30/03/2009 16:25

I am a bit of a planner so these sort of 'come as you are and when you fancy' are not really me I am afraid. I appreciate the need to be flexible with kids but she is an adult!

I like to know where I am !!!!

OP posts:

newgirl · 30/03/2009 16:27

if it worrying you you could explain that it is a bit hectic at that time - is that ok with her, or would she prefer to come a bit earlier or a bit later? that way she at least knows you will be a bit busy

do you live with your partner? can he do it all this once while you and your mate have a glass of wine and catch up?

georgimama · 30/03/2009 16:28

I think if someone is coming to stay they ought to say how long they are coming for. You need to be able to plan meals and things. You're not running a hotel.

YANBU.

2rebecca · 30/03/2009 16:32

YANBU. I've changed my arrival time to fit in with friends and family before so she should be OK with that. Telling someone how long you are staying for so they can plan meals etc is just courtesy and she's supposed to be a friend so I'd tell her you need to know. You prob don't need to know that now though, I'd have thought a week or 2 in advance would be OK unless it changes your plans. If it would I'd tell her why you need to know.

ChippingIn · 30/03/2009 16:34

LOL somehow I missed the 'in a few weeks time' yes YABU. I know you are a planner, but I think perhaps you need to chill a little... it's not even this weekend, but a few weeks away - how much planning does it really take

ABetaDad · 30/03/2009 16:35

YANBU - my PILs used to do this and I put my foot down. Caused a blazing row, but now they make clear when they are arriving and when they are going and everyone is happier.

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 17:47

YANBU. I am also not very chilled out when people come to stay, getting better but when the kids are little the witching hour can be not the ideal time for people to be around.

Don't see it asa big problem, though - if they don't have kids they probably don't realise how important your routine is for you.

I'd do what 2rebecca says

ABetaDad · 30/03/2009 18:36

screamingabdab - exactly. I found our kids were always very badly behaved if they did not know exactly when people were going to arrive or leave. Meal times were difficult to plan and we coudl not plan say a family afternoon at the Pool or perhaps a shopping trip or indeed anything for fear that someone would suddenly anmouce they needed to eat as they were leaving in a few hours or suddenly announce they are comning a day early or later.

Routine is very important for children.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 30/03/2009 18:43

Think it depends on how far she is travelling as to whether you can dictate when she arrives. Tell her if she arrives at 'witching hour' she can help out with bath time and storytime! She'll understand that you can't drop everything the minute she arrives.

Ask her to let you know her plans by a certain day before she comes so you can 'plan catering'. I like to know before I do my last shop of the week or just assume she will be there all weekend until you hear differently.

Original poster

dingledangle · 30/03/2009 18:50

I agree that routine is very important for kids because I have found that our two are better if they know what is coming. There is nothing worse than a late arrival who shouts about and bangs doors, the kids get all excited and they will not go to sleep. If they routine becomes buggered it is never the person who causes it who has to deal with the fall out!!! (it is us the parents). Besides which a late and excitable night for them does not mean a lie in in the morning they will still wake up the same time.......
(apologies for that rant! but this is based on past experience!)

It is a couple of weeks time not weeks, I should have made that clear in my post.

My friend does not have kids, although she says she understands, I am not sure how much she does.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for an approx time of arrival and departure. I would always give this to people if I was a guest at their house. It is basic manners isn't it?

OP posts:

fuddlepuck · 30/03/2009 18:50

Ask her if she has a rough idea of how long she staying ans arriving, as you are planning a swingers party and want to know if she'll be around.

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 18:54

dingledangle I don't think she probably does understand

How old are your DCs?

LOLfuddlepuck

Original poster

dingledangle · 30/03/2009 18:57

kids are 4 and 1

Like the swingers idea!!! What if she takes us up on it.....

OP posts:

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