to be dreading what may happen next...........................sorry long post

[cheltenhamgal]

I had an encounter with my dd's father on Friday, he left 7 yrs ago and has not expressed an interest in seeing her in all that time, she is now 9yrs old. Nor have I had any money from him in the 7 yrs, he works cash in hand so that the CSA cannot find him. I do not know where he lives nor do I have a contact number for him.
During the relationship he was extremely violent(alcoholic) to me, I suffered from a broken collar bone, black eyes and miscarried once.
It has been a long slog over the past 7 yrs to get my life back on track but we have finally done it, I have found a gorgeous, considerate boyfriend who my dd thinks the world of.
He gave my dd £10 to which I thought wow, a whole £1.42 for each year since he left ! His wallet was bulging with £20 notes and all he could give was £10 !
I told him that dd wanted to start playing the trumpet but that I couldn't afford it, he promised her that he would pay the £75 per term into my bank account. Now I may be a cynic but I doubt very much that this will happen and my dd will then be devastated that she will not be able to have the music lessons.
He has said that if he gives me the money that he will expect to see her but a) I dont want to be around him and b) my dd did say that she didnt want to see him
It has caused me sleepless nights all over the weekend, so am I over reacting and stressing about something that may never happen ?
He lives with a woman who is not allowed to see her children so I wouldnt want my dd around him and I also wouldn't want him to take her to the pub which is where he spends his weekends

Don't take the money - seems like the safest response. Then you are no worse/better of than you were before the chance encounter.

Have you told DD that he will pay for these lessons?

He should be paying the money regardless but I am sure you know that.

I wouldn't take a penny from him if he is being like that.

He is tyring to buy time with his daughter.

Agree with NSRR - you don't owe him anything, even if you did take the money, and dd at 9 is old enough to decide if she doesn't want to spend time with him. But probably easier just not to take it.

Children are not pay per view. Don't accept the money, it's more trouble than it is worth.

Do you honestly think he will follow through? And how would he have your bank details anyway?
I suspect he will fade away into the background again.
I have to ask though, why did you give him that information about not being able to afford trumpet lessons and why in front of dd?

Your dd at 9 is old enough to understand that you cannot afford something. Have you asked at the school about funded music lessons? Some LEA's will offer free or discounted lessons to parents on a low income or in receipt of benefits.

You have managed with no money til now, don't leyt money cloud the issue.

I wouold not be letting my child see this man, ever, or his girlfriend. Alcohol and violence are part of who he is.

I would not let him dictate to you, and would have no contact again.

Why let him blackmail for 75 quid a term?
If he pays it, good for your daughyter, if he doesn't, well she will see for definate what a twat he is.

A man cannot buy contact.
Money and contact are 2 issues.
Whether he pays or not, he does not deserve contact.

He promised he would in front of her, actually promised on his mothers life which I hate people doing especially compulsive liars ! I did say to her after not to expect it, I think that she would like to see him but is being loyal to me.
I just don't want to go back to always dreading him coming round and kicking off etc
She is doing really well at school at the moment too and I am concerned that this will have an impact and we will be back where we were a few years ago

She will be fine if you keep up a steady settled homelife.

I understand that she might want to see him out of curiosity and obviously him throwing tenners at her and promising music lessons will influence that, but it doesn't sound as if it is in her best interests. As the main carer and given the lack of any contact over the years you are perfectly entitled to say no to any contact.
If he is that serious let him get a solicitor who will then tell him that he will be awarded supervised contact only in gthe first instance. If he is as feckless as you say then he simply wouldn't bother.

I earn slightly over the limit set by the LEA for the music lessons, he has had my bank details since we were together as I havent changed banks.
You are all confirming what I was thinking, I suppose I just wanted verification that I wasn't being a total bitch.
I did say to him that he has a long way to go before he ever has the right to regular contact.
Judging by past experience I don't think I will see anymore money which as other posters have said I won't be missing will I
It all threw me a little as I haven't seen him for years

I think you have answered your own question. You don't want him around your daughter so don't take the money.

It sounds like you have worked hard to put this awful relationship behind you and build a new life for you and your DD, don't get sucked back in now by empty promises.

Could you pay by installments? That would help spread the cost.

idranktheeasterspirits - that is what I told him years ago and he never bothered.
Our lives are pretty good at the moment compared to what it was like when we were together

I am waiting to hear from the school about how I can pay so hopefully they can sort something out.

thanks for your comments you have all made me realise that I shouldn't let him dictate to me and I think by telling him to do it officially through a solicitor he will back off, he has already lost touch with two other children who have moved out of the county.
He wouldn't take me to court for access either as he would be too worried about the CSA being involved

Hope you can sort out some way to pay for the lessons, good luck