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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think SIL could have made an effort ?

27 replies

CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2009 09:20

FILs 70th this weekend - he decided to have a black tie dinner at fairly posh hotel, invited his three sons, wives and 5 of the 6 grandchildren (our DS is too little to be up). GC range from 13 to 17.

One of the families got their children to dress v smartly. Other SIL let her 16 and 13 yr olds come in combats, v casual shirts with the sleeves rolled up, trainers.

I wasn't expecting them to be in black tie, but was it too much to ask that they wear a smart shirt, if not a tie too ?

OP posts:
HecAteTheEasterBunny · 30/03/2009 09:28

Was it made clear in advance that there was a dress code? Did he actually say "black tie dinner" - and know that they know what that means? If so, yanbu, but if they weren't made aware, and just thought it was a party, then that sounds like fairly standard teenager gear - I know the fact that it was at a posh hotel should have been clue enough, but some people really need things spelling out!

Of course, they could have simply refused to wear a suit, you know how some kids can be and maybe the parents thought it was more important to attend in anything than to leave it cos the kids kicked off about a suit?

I dunno, I'm just speculating wildly

Original poster
CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2009 09:34

Oh yes, all made very clear in January, and BIL was in full black tie. They also knew what other BILs kids would be wearing.

I don't think it was that they would have refused - youngest will do whatever he's told. Oldest is stroppy so and so admittedly

Their middle son chose to wear a suit that he had bought out of his own money as 'it's nice to dress up'

OP posts:
Uriel · 30/03/2009 09:36

Why is it down to Sil - isn't Bil equally able to get the kids dressed up?

Original poster
CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2009 09:40

In this case, BIL doesn't get to have an opinion on what the children do or wear. In fact, as far as I can see, I'm not entirely sure he is allowed to have an opinion about anything. Their relationship is a whole other thread I'm afraid

OP posts:
mychildrenarebarmy · 30/03/2009 09:41

An Aunt of mine came to our wedding wearing jeans, a fleece and trainers. No idea what she had on underneath the fleece as she didn't take it off at the wedding or the reception. It actually causes me much amusement looking at the pictures cos she sticks out like a sore thumb. Was your FIL bothered? I wasn't bothered about my Aunt but other people in my situation might have been.

Uriel · 30/03/2009 09:44

Perhaps money's tight then and Bil already had the clothes for it. It's a bit telling that middle son bought his own suit.

And on the positive side, at least they were there.

Uriel · 30/03/2009 09:44

Perhaps money's tight then and Bil already had the clothes for it. It's a bit telling that middle son bought his own suit.

And on the positive side, at least they were there.

Uriel · 30/03/2009 09:45

Eek!

tessofthedurbervilles · 30/03/2009 09:45

I actually feel a bit sorry for the kids, part of being a parent is teaching and guiding them on how to behave in social situations. Thanks to my parents I usually know what to put on for most social occasions but these kids, as adults, will be a bit stuck.
Either the kids felt silly and self conscious or they are developing rhino skin and will end up like the op's aunt in a fellce at a wedding and no idea...

Original poster
CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2009 10:20

FIL was bothered - he'd been really looking forward to seeing everyone dressed up, and MIL had been planning on getting lots of photos while she had the chance. She only took one group shot.

Money not a massive problem - not loads, but BIL hired a suit, and the evening wasn't costing them anything at all (BIL drove, they didn't buy any drinks, FIL paid for everything). Middle son is lovely, but very much the odd one out - he does drama and dance, much to his parents disgust

OP posts:
mamas12 · 30/03/2009 10:31

Some people just don't have a clue that is is a social skill. My sil is like this and I have to be very specific when talking to her dcs about 'It's a matter of respect to the host' sort of thing. She doesn't have a dress sense and it hasn't occured to her about these things until I came into her life and she has said that it's been an education. !!!!

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 30/03/2009 10:32

Hmmmm, sounds like you have other issues with your SIL.
Some people rate getting dressed-up more than others.

mamas12 · 30/03/2009 10:56

Exactly what I said, but still maintain it is a matter of respect to the host, which is important.

2rebecca · 30/03/2009 12:54

Most teenage boys don't have suits though. I agree shirt and smart trousers and school shoes could have been worn, but I think it's sad SIL gets the blame and BIL gets let off responsibility for being a wimp. Everything seems to be the fault of MILs, mums, SILs and sister on mumsnet. Men are never expected to take equal responsibility.
I know how difficult it was to get my teenage stepson into smart clothes for formal events, and his mum usually went with the "better for him to come casual than not come at all" approach. Cut your sil some slack. Why is not wearing formal clothes rude? I would never think anyone not dressing smartly at a formal event was being rude, just choosing to express their individuality in an adolescent way.
A 16 year old is an adult here in Scotland and old enough to take responsibility for his own choice of dress. I suspect if you liked your SIL this wouldn't be an issue.

MamaHobgoblin · 30/03/2009 13:00

No, YANBU. But agree with other posters that BIL is also culpable. Not to mention the 16 yr old himself! It's a one-off event, it was clear that it was a smart occasion, and although it can be murder to get a stroppy teenager to put on something 'nice', I think the SIL/BIL should have put their foot (feet) down. Even clean jeans and a shirt would be better than combats and trainers! It's a matter of common courtesy as far as I'm concerned, and your nephew-in-law is old enough to understand that!

(My brother used to be like this and my mum had to wrestle him into chinos and an ironed shirt for fancy dos, so I can appreciate that it's a bit of a nightmare.)

marmitebabe · 30/03/2009 13:13

YANBU - I agree completely with last 2 posts - spot on!

cornsilk · 30/03/2009 13:21

I think the OP has issues with her SIL. I don't think it's particularly rude for a teenager to attend a dinner in a posh hotel wearing casual clothes. Preferably they would get dressed up but it's a difficult age. Just attending the dinner itself may have been an issue for teenage boys.

cupofteaplease · 30/03/2009 13:28

To be completely blunt, at least she brought her children- the OP didn't, so how can the OP criticise how the children were dressed when her child wasn't even there! Seems a little harsh. I think you were probably right to leave your child at home if he was too tired/young for the party, but I think that also takes away your ability to slate your SIL's parenting choices.

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 30/03/2009 13:33

YANBU at all. I think its rude for anybody to attend a black tie dinner so casually dressed, regardless of their age. It shows a lack of respect to your FIL.

Also agree both BIL and SIL should take equal blame.

BradfordMum · 30/03/2009 14:18

CUPOFTEAPLEASE -
To be completely blunt, at least she brought her children- the OP didn't, so how can the OP criticise how the children were dressed when her child wasn't even there! Seems a little harsh. I think you were probably right to leave your child at home if he was too tired/young for the party, but I think that also takes away your ability to slate your SIL's parenting choices.

Total Balderdash!!

It sounds like you showed some sense and your SIL is a Twonk!

unavailable · 30/03/2009 14:39

YABU.

It was a family celebration.The whole family came. I assume the teenagers were not badly behaved, or you would have mentioned it.

You sound as if you were delighted to have something to be picky about. (Subtext: i dont like my SIL and I dont approved of her parenting.)

rookiemater · 30/03/2009 14:42

Agree with unavailable.

Yes in an ideal world the teenagers would have been smartly dressed, however they came to the event as requested and behaved themselves. Who knows, perhaps for them wearing shirts is the equivalent of black tie, I know my teenage nephews aren't exactly the last world in sartorial elegance, but tbh I have better things to worry about.

MorrisZapp · 30/03/2009 14:50

YANBU if this kind of thing matters a lot in your family. I'm very glad it doesn't matter much in mine though!

Surely their presence was what really counted, not their clothes.

My parents remarried in middle age and at both weddings, we had people in formal dress, people in their interview suits, poeple in kilts, kids in jeans, and people dressed for a quick nip down to the supermarket.

I think feeling comfortable is key. Personally I love dressing up for formal events but some people hate it, and many people don't own formal clothing, particularly kids who grow out of it so quickly anyway.

And I totally second the stuff about blaming women for everything. What are the men - chopped liver?

flowerybeanbag · 30/03/2009 14:51

I think YABabitU. Remembering the cajoling required to get my three brothers into suits for their own sister's wedding (they were aged 17, 19 and 20), and the huffing and puffing that went on, I can understand that getting your SIL and BIL's sons there and behaving well was the priority.

LilRedWG · 30/03/2009 14:54

My DB and SIL let slip that their son would be wearing his favourite team's strip to our wedding so I ran to my Mum to sort. LOL. He didn't wear the strip but they didn't make an effort with his attire either - he was 9. I'm much older now and it probably wouldn't bother me, but it did at the time.