AIBU in not wanting to spend 8 weeks in the summer in the same villa as my mil ..

[cba]

My mil and I do not see eye to eye. I have desperately tried over the past 11 years and put up with her bullying bitchy behaviour. Constant put downs and efforts to split me and dh.

Anyway, one of my bug bears beside her getting pissed everynight is smoking. She refuses to go into another room away from the children and smoke. She will open a tiny window and say thats better. I will then leave the kitchen and she will follow wherever i am with the dc. Yes, it is her house and I respect that, but, is it too much to ask not to smoke for an hour or so?

Anyway, inlaws are moving away today to another country and mil is expecting us to stay with her for the whole summer. I have told dh this is not going to happen and he said he will organise something close by to them.

Am i being unreasonable? I will be 7 months pregnant with dc4 in summer and being hormonal I will probably blow. When we visited today everybody who came in and saw the dc said they would go outside to smoke, not mil, no open a small 6x2 window, hey presto fresh air.

I took dc outside she followed me and said why have you come outside. I just said we wanted some fresh air.

So, aibu, should i just go and bite my tongue and risk a massive argument? mil just does exact opposite of what I ask, dh has backed me up on the smoking but she still does it.

What would you do?

Will you be wanting to travel when 7 months pg (you will possibly not even be permitted to fly)?

8 weeks is (imo) excessive. Sympathies re the other issues.

Y are most definitely NBU!!!!!

Tell her that you can't travel, at 7 months pregnant would be too uncomfortable/tiring/far from home...................

i will be fine with have done it before, travel not 8 weeks with mil.

Do i just spit it out and tell her why i dont want to stay with her or leave to dh who just skirts round the issue sometimes?

afraid we will have to go as dh has business there, so not an option not to go really. I really do not mind it will be relaxing.

My god though, i will just explode with that length of time.

If you HAVE to go (and I'd try and get out of it myself!) then rent somewhere nearby. 8 weeks is too long. What about YOUR family's summer?

My in-laws moved away to France and they also expected us to spend all summer with them.

I've never once been over, in 6 years. My dh takes the dc for a week every year. It is bliss.

Just say "no, sorry, not going but you can take the kids if you like"

why does your dh having a business in Italy mean that you have to go there for 8 weeks in the summer. Is this something you used to do before your in-laws moved there?

Just use the pregnancy as an excuse for not wanting to travel, or, as they are leaving the country, tell her what you really think and the real reasons for you not wanting to stay with them.

nametaken, dh wanted us to move their too but i just couldnt cope with the idea. So, as a compromise the deal was school holiday spent away allowing the kids to experience part of their culture. It is fil home country, dh was been here in uk.

I do want to go, but i am getting stressed at the tought as being in the same villa as her. She has really affected me mentally over the years. I have kept my cool all these years but not sure if being pregnant and hormonal i could.

Sorry, took me so long to type that missed you saying that you have to go.

In that case then, I would rent somewhere close by so you have somewhere smoke free to escape to.

i don't think doc's / insurance will let you fly after 34 weeks. But I could be wrong.

YANBU for not wanting to spend time with her, she sounds like a nightmare.

In your circumstances I'd probably go for honesty. I don't know if that is the right answer for you though as it will probably cause a big stink with full on MIL tantrums and you probably don't need that hassle when your pregnant of all times. However, maybe being in her company for an 8 week stint would be equally as stressful? DH needs to step up to the plate either way.

Even if I had a fab MIL, I wouldn't stay in the same house for 8 weeks. A few days is enough IMO, especially if you don't get on.

I am a smoker and I would not take kids to someones house where they did not have the courtesy to not do it in the same room as the children. They instead could come to my house to visit and have a cigarette outside like I do and I'd not be afraid to tell them my reasons for not visiting either. That's just me though.

I don't know about you but when I was pg just the faintest whiff of smoke made me want to heave right up until I gave birth. Could you use that as an excuse?

But no YANBU at all. I find spending 8 hours with DP's mother an ordeal. 8 weeks? No way Pedro!

meglet, you have just reminded me i need to be back for 34w as I need anti d, oh that has reduced time already.

think i will wait and see what accommodation dh can organise. I have already started my own search and if push comes to shove I will just say nicely that I dont want to stay where everyone smokes all the time.

I totally sympathise on the smoking issue, and I am making the same stand with relatives (you cannot smoke in my house, and I will not visit your house if you smoke in it - yes I might be unreasonable, but I don't care) I do visit and offer to take people out for lunch/dinner, but won't subject my DS to their smoke. I've found if I am slack once (we can stop in for 5 minutes) people take the p* (then I will do what I want when babysitting because you obviously don't care that much).

I do want to warn you though, that it's not the easiest choice to make. My FiL made the same decision for my husband when he was a baby, it ended costing him his relationships with his entire family (all thought he was unreasonable) and eventually his marriage.

People have really strong feelings about this issue, so you really have to decided how far you are going to fight it.