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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take offered money??

17 replies

emmabemmasmom · 28/03/2009 20:08

I am from the States and this is where my entire family still stays. My dad was going to come and visit us in Aug/Sept time this year. Me, DH and DD went twice last year and decided that we are not going this year as I am currently 32 weeks pg and thought it would be to much to travel with DD (now 16 months) and new baby. So we were saving to have an extended 2 month trip next summer when babies are older...

My dad called today and said he wanted to give us £1,000 to come and see him in Aug/Sept instead of him coming here. My dad is young and there is no reason he cannot travel so no issues there...however I had to say to him that 'we will see' as I cannot book anything until end of May when the baby is due. Also, I don't know how I will feel once she arrives...and I just couldn't say no right to him even though I was thinking it.

I told him thank you very much for your offer, but I would much rather you come here to see us as we came twice last year and we really don't have the money this year even with tickets paid for.

I have been feeling quilty...and DH told me to post this to see what you all thought!

So should I just suck it up and take the nice offer or stick to my guns and say 'no thank you?' even if it means hurting his feelings?

OP posts:

Nabster · 28/03/2009 20:10

You weren't not going because of money so why would your dad paying change how you feel about travelling with two young children?

FannyJo · 28/03/2009 20:11

YANBU to say no thank you as it seems to be more about the fact that you are less able to travel than he is when you have just had a baby, than it is about the money.
I'd just say to him that its really not the money, its that you dont feel up to the travel this year and you'd really rather he spent the money coming to see you and new baby instead.

ib · 28/03/2009 20:11

Say no thank you. I've done this with my family. In the end, a trip is not just money, it's upheaval too and if you are not up to it you will resent it.

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 28/03/2009 20:20

Well he started the conversation with how nice it would be for us to come see him and his new house and he would love to see DD in his pool and blah blah...

I, not thinking of his full intent, said yeah that would be nice however it would take a small miracle for us to come. We did just move into our new house in Nov...and I had my Visa in Jan and with the new baby all of our money has been going everywhere but in it seems...

That is when he hit me with the offer...and then I had to go into the traveling with babies reason...which is the main one...but also with no holiday this year being on our radar we have not been saving for it so it would not be possible unless he paid...if that makes sense? lol

OP posts:

Mamii · 28/03/2009 20:22

You've explained your reasons very articulately and you?re being completely reasonable in your expectation that your dad should make the trip this time around.
Tell him precisely what you?ve said above.

You sound as if you're close, still seeing one another when you can despite the distance. I'm sure he'll completely understand and you shouldn't feel guilty or worry.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/03/2009 20:23

yanbu

You need to put you and your family first. Travelling with children is difficult enough as it is.

By all means thank him for the very kind offer but tell him in no uncertain terms that it is not only the money situation that is preventing you from visiting this year.

reiterate that he is still more than welcome to visit, but for you travelling/ packing/ visiting with a very small baby and a toddler on little or no sleep is just not practical. If he chalenges that then HE is BU

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 28/03/2009 20:30

Last time we went to the States my dad and I got in a fight. We were going to Chicago (where my mom and everyone I know stays) and he knew this months in advance. He said he was coming to Chicago for a long weekend to see us while we were there.

Then a week before we left he called with the idea that he pay for tickets for us to fly to him while in the states. This was the first time I stood up to him and said no. As we had already traveled nearly 24 hours, there was no way in hell I was getting on yet another plane with DD to come and see him as this was not the plan...with jet lag and everything else it would not have been fair on DD or our already made plans.

He got very mad and ended up not coming to Chicago to see us or talking to me for nearly 2 months...then he just calls one day and acts as if everything is fine. (This is the way my dad works.)

So, I just don't want another episode however I do feel as though I need to do what is right for us and at the moment I cannot see wanting to go traveling...

OP posts:

ib · 28/03/2009 20:36

It sounds as though he is one of those people who think they can make everyone adapt to their convenience by throwing money around - I feel for you, there are several in my and dh's family.

You just have to stand firm and ignore the strops...

sarah76 · 28/03/2009 20:39

YANBU at all. I'm also from the U.S. and pregnant. Don't plan on traveling there for a while. I've been here six years and have been back at least once or twice every year. My mom and dad have been over once each (they are not together). As far as I'm concerned, it's their turn now!

Doesn't matter who pays for it, long haul travel is exhausting and your dad shouldn't expect you to do this with two very small kids. That's a lot of upheaval for a toddler and baby, I wouldn't want to put them through it.

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 28/03/2009 20:46

Sarah76 exactly!

My parents are not together either. My mom has not been here yet as she does not have the money and I understand that. We have been back 3 times and eachtime we go to my moms as she can't come here and all my friends and family are there (except dad). He has the money and he came to see us once when DD was born. It was also his idea to come to Chicago to see us all 3 times and he never did either time...

I think it is his turn now. Also, I want to show him my new house and look forward to taking him to do things since we didnt do much last time as DD was only 4 weeks old.

I just don't know if I should just suck it up and take the offer...or if I should firmly say no and have to deal with his childish attitude that I am sure will follow...and will probably result in him not coming this summer...grrrrr

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/03/2009 20:54

I think you have to put your foot down particularly as he has a record for doing similar things in the past.... He will continue thinking this is ok in the future unless you say no now!

If he wishes to behave like a toddler, and have a sulk treat it as you would any toddlers and ignore it. Sounds to me like HE doesn't really want the inconivience of travelling, so as someone else said is just throwing money at the situation to get his own way.

Hassled · 28/03/2009 20:58

No, stick to your guns. You're absolutely being reasonable - travelling so far with a toddler and a baby is knackering.

My brother is in the States and absolutely understands that while it's relatively easy for him to get on a plane, it's a major logistical exercise for us - so he comes over twice a year, we go there once in a blue moon. And that should be your father's attitude.

sarah76 · 28/03/2009 21:08

I'm from near Chicago as well....can't imagine going there to swelter in August with the heat and mosquitos! Ugh....

Stay strong, tell him you appreciate the offer, but you just cannot travel so far with such a little baby and a toddler. Emphasize that you really hope he will still come over as previously agreed, then leave it up to him. If he wants to be a jackass about it, that's his problem.

The other thing I wonder is...is he upset because you always go to your mom's? How far away does he live, and have you ever been there to stay? With divorced parents, I think they get sensitive if there is an imbalance in time spent in each household, even if the reasons are completely practical (everyone else being around Chicago). It's a separate issue from the one at hand, but something to think about for future visits to the U.S.

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 28/03/2009 21:30

I had thought that too to be honest.

However, the first time we went he had just been here 2 months before and my mom had not seen DD yet. The second time he was coming here the next month so it seemed reasonable to travel to the person who can't afford to come. He ended up not coming in the end for whatever reason...and the third time he was suppose to come to Chicago (his idea). Usually, even when I lived in Chicago, he always came to see me there for weekends or whatever. He is currently in Virginia in the middle of nowhere...but plans on being in TN next summer where his side of the family is...so wouldn't it be better to go next summer so I can see everyone else in TN too rather than be in the middle of nowhere?

That is also why we planned on doing an extended 2 month trip next summer as we can spend a few weeks with him and then a few weeks with my mom.

I know it should not matter but I am way way closer to my mom than my dad and I could not fathom going to the states and NOT going to Chicago to see my mom...so we would have to front the costs of going to see her when there too...oh the issues keep coming!! lol

OP posts:

Original poster

emmabemmasmom · 28/03/2009 21:33

Oh and I did go last Aug. and it was killer with the heat so we didn't do much.

Now it would be ok for DD as she can run and play in a little pool...but I would worry about new baby being to hot or getting burnt or getting bitten by god knows what...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 21:38

Stick to your guns!

It's natural that you always go to your mom's, though, because you pointed out the rest of your family and all your friends are there, too.

He's young and can travel unemcumbered.

Sorry, but the very idea of making that kind of journey with my own three young kids in tow fills me with anxiety, a lot of it. Sertraline bad.

I won't do it at all until the kids get a bit older.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 21:38

You're going back next year anyhow.

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