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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my 3rd baby.

20 replies

SIANYWARNY · 27/03/2009 22:12

I'm a working mum of 2 grls (nearly 5 & 17mnths). I also have 8yr old step-daughter (who I love as my own).
We live in a 2 bed flat(grnd flr, w/massive garden). Can't sell because of the houseprices at the mo'(damn you negative equity!). But long story short, we have purchased a sofa bed, and are giving up the bedrooms to the kids. Once this is done we'll have loads of room for another one!
He agreed to another one, but when it came to the crunch, he had a change of heart...... Which has absolutely crushed me. We've talked about this, but he just won't budge.I can't stop thinking about it. But I don't want it to get between us, because we're still madly in love..... I've never known him be so stubborn. It's killing me, slowly eating me inside.
HELP!

OP posts:

saggyhairyarse · 27/03/2009 22:24

Have youtold him how you feel? Could you agree to not talk about it for 6 months or so and see how he feels in a little while?

CarGirl · 27/03/2009 22:28

I actually told my then dp that I didn't think I could stay with him if he refused to have no. 4 and i really did mean it (I was clearly quite deranged at the time!)

He did very reluctantly agree to it and it has worked out fine for us but it was under the strict agreement that I would never ask for no. 5 and we're now married.

Perhaps you need to work out why you really want one more and how much does that matter to you and take it from there. Perhaps he needs to let you grieve over how you feel about it?

Original poster

SIANYWARNY · 27/03/2009 22:30

That's what we've sort of agreed. But I feel like I'm gonna explode, waiting for him to decide on our future.
He was so hurt, because I thought he was being a little selfish (he told me in a really blunt, cold way originally, but has since apologised).
I think I've just got tunnel vision at the mo'. And all I want is to just get pregnant. It's so not like me.

OP posts:

mumoftoby · 27/03/2009 22:32

sianywarny I am in the same boat as you - I want a 3rd! DH has asked GP to refer him for a vasectomy...

CarGirl · 27/03/2009 22:33

I think hormones and maternal urge are beyond understanding the drive is so so so strong. I don't want anymore dc but I feel devasted that I will never again be pregnant, give birth and have another.

It really is not a logical thing.

PinkTulips · 27/03/2009 22:35

dp balked at a third too and it took several very frank discussions with me trying to explain my need for a third to him before he agreed.

he's happy now ds2 is here and loves him to bits but still honestly doesn't understand why i was so desperate for another, he's admitted the only reason he agreed is because he knew it would eat me up inside if my family remained incomplete.

does your dh understand how important this is to you? have you tried to explain to him the overwhelming emotions of knowing your family isn't complete yet? men don't always understand but if you try and explain it to him he may grasp just how important it is to you.

luckily now ds2 is here i finally have that sense of completion as dp definitely could never be convinced of a fourth!

Original poster

SIANYWARNY · 27/03/2009 22:38

I know.. 1st pregnancy was unplanned, I was only 20. It was all just a nightmare... was ill, had A-ND &P-ND.
But 2nd was planned and so beautiful. I loved & cherished my bump (didn,t look like a teenager 2nd time either, so no rude stares or comments!).
It kills me so much because it's the situation that's making him say no..... He really wants a big family too.

OP posts:

Original poster

SIANYWARNY · 27/03/2009 22:40

OMG Pinktulips!
That's exactly how I feel. Incomplete.

I feel like I've lost someone that I don't even know yet.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 27/03/2009 22:42

Perhaps you need to point out that it is easier & cheaper to have them close together.

My youngest 3 were born in 3 years & 6 weeks and it is truly lovely and helps squash any stupid urges to have just one more.....larger age gaps when you want a "big" family do make room sharing and trips out more difficult IME

CarGirl · 27/03/2009 22:46

It was the incompleteness that drove me to absolutely demand no. 4

My poor dh he loves me very much, he never really wanted dc!

surrofab · 27/03/2009 23:02

I ahd this dilema last year.
Hubby had always agreed to a large family,but we never discussed specific numbers and when i told him i was ready for no.3 he adamantly said absolutely no more!
I was shocked and we had a really rocky couple of months when i contemplated whether we had a future together(although i have never stopped loving him and couldn't imagine loving any one else!!).But we talked our way through it.
I came to understand that my hubby considers our family large as he is an only child,where as i am one of 6.We never planned the 2 we had and never planned to have them at all.
I had to have a serious talk with myself and realise that it's not all about me and what i want,i have to take listen to what he wants.I would be incomplete without him so for me it was a no brainer.
Keep something precious i already have or pine for something i haven't got.

Original poster

SIANYWARNY · 01/04/2009 20:08

WOW! Surrofab. That is it.
He's not budging on the no. And it's just not worth losing a wonderful relationship over.
I'll need a little time to get over this, but I thinks thats the only I can do.

Thanks for all your comments. It really helps when you don't feel completely alone x

OP posts:

oregonianabroad · 01/04/2009 20:13

You're so not alone on this one.

I like saggy's suggestion of agreeing a time when you will talk about it again. For me and dh, it's in a year (I'd like to get pg in about 18month's time).

but I also know I might have come to accept his feelings on the issue by then.

strawberrycornetto · 01/04/2009 20:30

I am also in the same situation. I feel desperately sad but don't see how I can try to make him change his mind. It is the first thing I have come across in our relationship where we want the opposite thing and there is no way to compromise, so one of us has to accept something we really don't want to. At the moment that's me but I've felt like this now for 7 months and the feeling is getting worse not better

chickers · 01/04/2009 20:32

Reading some of these threads takes me right back to the beginning of last year.
When I met my DH he didn't want to get married or have kids. He had an awful upbringing and remembers loads of really sad times.
I decided that the person I was supposed to be with would want kids and I knew that I would resent him for not at least trying to let me become a mum.
We got married had 2 beautiful kids, 15 months apart but I knew that 3 kids was where I wanted to stop.
Again my other half was adament to the point where we argued all the time and it started to cloud our whole marriage. The urge was so strong I was completely demented and became a mad wife telling everyone our troubles but I was racked with anxiety about not having another child.
Anyway he finally said yes but gave us 1 month to try and I fell pregnant straight away. My little girl is 7 months my husband is really contented and my family is complete. Its a hard one and can be a gamble but luckily for me it worked. Good Luck to you!!

strawberrycornetto · 01/04/2009 20:35

Chickers, up to no.2 that sounds a bit like us. DH wasn't interested in children and I had to talk him into both but he's the greatest dad. I think perhaps I could push him but your right it would be a gamble. I just worry about pushing him again when he's said no and I am already so blessed. I know I should be happy but I feel so sad and unhappy about it all the time. One of my colleagues is pregnant and I can hardly bear to be in the same room....

Northernlurker · 01/04/2009 20:45

If it's any help at all - fo a long time I was happy with two and then I wasn't and we planned dc3 for a long time before trying. We have six years between her and dd2 and 9 years between her and dd1 and it's been really fun. Not all plaine sailing of course - but then no gap, no situation is perfect.

Right now if you push it you are going to do damage to your relationship so put the dream in a box for a few months and then see where you both are.

theyoungvisiter · 01/04/2009 20:51

Siany from your comments I am guessing you are reasonably young if your 5 year old was born when you were twenty?

You have LOADS of time to think about a third, or even fourth.

Try to feel as if you are not writing this off - you are just putting it off for another year when things are better.

One of my inlaws had two children born close together when she was in her mid twenties, then she had a ten year gap and another two born close together in her mid thirties. In some ways it's the best of both worlds - all the children have siblings their own age, but you also have plenty of time to devote to each while they are small.

You don't need to feel so desperate about this - see how you feel in a year - or even in three or four years.

mixedmamameansbusiness · 02/04/2009 11:49

I think it does need grieving time doesnt it. I plan to have one more which DH is dithering about but I plan to make sure i enjoy every moment(even the sickness) and make the absolute most of mat leave with baby and DS1 and DS2. I will still be sad that I will never do it again. In my case I am sure that DH will come round as he sometimes says yes and sometimes says no.

I would feel gutted if he refused. I hope everyone inc OP can work it out. great advice here tho about waiting and talking later on and definitely hormones really take over with us women I feel.

funkybuddah · 02/04/2009 12:18

greed im my head to give it until new year and then i will talk to him about it. Is this an option for you? My dd is of a similar age as your youngest and im wondering if its an age thing, they get so grown up i remember goign of fthe idea with DS once he was about 2ish.

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