to think that it's too late for my Dad to acquire some respect for women?

[Wispabarsareback]

Oh, where to start - I have a difficult relationship with my parents, shall we say. My Dad is a very difficult man - he is both insecure and controlling, and my Mum is a doormat who has always done what he tells her. Mum's life has been focused on trying to keep Dad happy and not making him cross. Dad prides himself on his lack of 'political correctness' (yawn) and he says the most appalling things about women.

I am quite different to my Mum! I have always spoken up when he's spoken rudely to her, or let her run around after him like a skivvy. Not that it's done any good or made any difference - and my Mum hates it as much as my Dad when I say anything.

This week we had a terrible row on the phone. No need to detain you with the details of it, but it ended with him saying 'Your husband needs to put you over his knee'.

I didn't think my Dad could say anything that would genuinely shock me (he's said so many outrageous things over the years), but I was absolutely gobsmacked. He's an aggressive person, and my brother and I were both hit quite often as children. I've never been sure whether he's hit my Mum - when I was younger I certainly heard him threaten to, but never saw any sign that he'd done it. But now of course I wonder.

DH is as livid as I am. My DH is the polar opposite of my Dad, and our relationship totally unlike my parents'.

Obviously I feel enormously upset, but I also feel curiously detached - kind of 'right, you've spelled out to me exactly what kind of person you really are, and I don't need to waste my time now trying to have a half-way normal relationship with you'.

Am I over-reacting to words said in the heat of an argument? AIBU to think that he'll never change and I should just give up on him?

YANBU.

Men like this don't change in my opinon. A low opinion of women is too deep rooted to ever change. They can't see them as equal and never will.

My ex desribes women who disagree with him or are confident and clever as "Cold and arrogant". He is only in his early thirties and there is no hope for him, he learned at his fathers knee. Your dad sounds like my ex FIL for a minute I thought you might be my SIL.

Hi Wispa,

You are not alone. My dad was a control freak when I was little and I remember being whacked on numerous occasions. He is also very 'non pc' !

I have also heard him comment in the past, perhaps she deserved a smack. This is even in the case of his own mother , as after her death we discovered my Grandmas diaries describing how my grandad used to beat her.

This has shocked me, particularly as I work with agencies who deliver domestic violence services and I now make a point of talking about it to try and get some sort of message across.

But he is an old dog, and I have to accept that I will not teach him new tricks as much as I would like to. Love your dad for who he is and accept his ways, they are not with you forever and holding a grudge is always risky as they are growing old as you don't know what is round the corner.

As an aside though, he loves my mum to bits and I have never heard them have a cross word, though he does drive her to distraction on occasion !! (she just moans about him out of earshot )

Yes, my brother is just the same as my Dad - it's inexcusable. They are toxic and I just think it might be better to have minimal contact from now on - if that.

Oh boy you have my total sympathy. If its any consolation I realised on Sunday what a horrible racist my dad was.

They were round for Mothers Day and we were having a general state of the nation type chat about education and stuff. He then came out with "we have a problem in this country and that problem is black."

I nearly fell off my chair - even my Mum looked shocked. I said that I disagreed profoundly and actually found what he'd said very offensive - luckily at that point my ds woke up from his nap and distracted everyone with his cuteness.

Suffice to say I was very upset - still an actually. Its horrid thinking that your parents are nasty biggots isn't it?

Your father sounds VERY familiar to me. My father is just the same as yours. He's jealous of us kids' relationship with our mother. Used to single my sister out and bully her when she was a child and my sister witnessed him beating my mother up on the landing at the top of the stairs when she was only about 4 years old. He physically assaulted me when I still lived at home when I was 18 just because I missed my college bus home!!!!!

My parents are both retired now and even though me and my siblings have long flown the nest he still puts us down in his own pathetic little way with his nasty words. (Making out he's joking of course).

I've resigned myself to the fact that the old git will never change. He's bitter and twisted and had a bad childhood himself. IMO he needed help years ago (psychological), but he's so self-riteous he's long beyond help. I just try to stay amiable with him for my mothers sake. She's put up with him all these years and has had loads of opportunities to leave him but she never has.

I hear what you're saying MumtoCharlieandLola, but 'love him for who he is and accept his ways' - that's the problem I'm having! Love him for suggesting that my DH should hit me? Accept the offensive rubbish he talks about 'modern women'?

Love him but hate his ways like I do my father. There is no excuse for their bitter words; but you will never change them now.

I don't think there's much one can love about him if I may say so. He sounds like a most unpleasant person.

Hi Wispa (I love wispas btw)

I could have written your post,
I could tell you loads but I haven't spoke to my father for over 2 years now as a consequence to him not caring about anything and anyone,
he dosen't care wiether its pc and thinks he should speak his mind whenever wherever

All I will say is it is a relief to me not having him in my life, not sitting in their house listening to his stupid comments and watching how he treats my mother, but it is also v hard, my mum comes to visit me once a week, (i think she pretends shes out shopping) she says shes allowed to come over but I don't think she is,
she makes me feel guilty all the time by little things shes says and sometimes I feel like telling her to feck off too

I have told her if she is happy to be treated that way fine but i don't need to be part of that my dh is totally different and so I don't need my fathers crap in my life

Sometimes distancing yourself from them for as long as possible may make them respect you that bit more. I find with my father the more I seem to be "bothering" him, the worse and more patronising he can be. If I show him that I'm a self-sufficient adult sometimes, he can be better.

BTW Your dad might not necessarily meant hit you more like take you hand , keep you in order which is just as bad

If hes anything like my dad he prob has never hit your mum but uses emotional blackmail instead

BTW Your dad might not necessarily meant hit you more like take you hand , keep you in order which is just as bad

If hes anything like my dad he prob has never hit your mum but uses emotional blackmail instead

Thats twice I've done that today have I broke mn

My dad is similar although he is not aggressive or violent in the slightest.

He does however take pride in his 'ways', that he is so politically incorrect it's embarrassing. His views on women are in the stone age too and he has a streak of racism. He thinks he is entirely right no buts about it.

None of it I agree with and there have been many times I have been and at him. He's not about to change though, not for me and not for anyone. Even looking back on his own life, there are things that he openly regrets, but he doesn't seem to think that changing himself will make any difference in avoiding possible future regret.

You can't win with someone who has an unshakable stance like that.

Another thread I was on the other day, there was some wise words (thanks SGB) about having to accept negative behaviour if you want to be in their life and when you have done that, it doesn't affect you as much. That is true.