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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not offer my friend any food when she came to visit.....

38 replies

lovelypair · 26/03/2009 21:59

she hasn't seen dc2 who is 4 months old, dc1 is almost 3 and she arrived yesterday at 5.30pm to visit empty handed. i offered her a drink (she had orange juice) and that was it as dc1 was having his tea and any biscuits etc would distract him....

she left on cue at 7pm after hinting i needed to bath both children and get them ready to bed. when she was leaving i apologised for not offering her dinner and that i had nothing prepared just yet!

all her past visits i've been more than hospitable and i guess i am feeling a twinge of guilt for not being more so yesterday but with a baby and toddler it's tough!

she has no children btw but my dh often wishes babies on her!!

okay thanks for reading, i know hope IANBU just had to get it off my chest...

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2009 09:17

she was only there 90mins so yanbu not to offer food

though why couldnt you both have a biccy after your child had had his tea?

ChippingIn · 27/03/2009 10:26

I read things on here and I'm very grateful my friends and I have very different views on friendship! I would never expect someone to bring something when they come to visit me - IMO expecting that is rude. Personally unless it's a particular occasion I feel uncomfortable if people bring things, then when you visit them you have to think of something to take and it's all a hassle - why start it? Why not just enjoy each others company and share what you have in your home?

Did it occur to you that maybe she was enjoying seeing you and the children and would have enjoyed being there for bathtime not shown the door??

I presume you were eating later? Did you really not have enough to offer her dinner with you?

cat64 · 27/03/2009 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HolyGuacamole · 27/03/2009 12:44

I don't expect people to bring things to my house when they visit, but my fiends do and I take something to theirs. It's not a hassle, it's usually just a packet of biscuits out of my own cupboard or something. With friends that have children, I like to take them a little treat (small pack of buttons etc) but I give it to the parent so they can choose when to give it to the child.

It's not expected, it's just what we do and feels normal. I just thought that not having been round for ages and having a new baby in the house, merits a little something.

Tortington · 27/03/2009 12:44

a quick something would have been no trouble for my friend - in fact i would risk my childrens tantrum and given her biscuits - y'know for a friend.

i dont hink she is a friend really - she must be an acquaintance

HolyGuacamole · 27/03/2009 12:45

friends not fiends

sinpan · 27/03/2009 12:54

YANBU for not feeding her

YABU for feeling resentful she didn't bring anything

andirobo · 27/03/2009 13:08

I would not expect her to bring anything.

I would not expect to feed her tea (as in a meal) unless you had invited her for a meal.

I would have offered a drink, and again suggested that buiscuits were not on offer as DC having tea, but maybe offered her one later.

Would she have even noticed or expected tea??

fircone · 27/03/2009 13:24

at Grendle.

Fancy cooking in front of someone and then not asking them to partake.

That's just plain bad manners.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/03/2009 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

susiey · 27/03/2009 19:49

people without children don't know that 5.30 is an unreasonable time to visit.

we explained this to a friend of ours - he really just didn't realise because family life runs a different clock

would have not offerd anything to eat either also some people don't briong pressies for new babies just depends what you're used to

curlygal · 27/03/2009 20:11

Personally I wouldn't turn up empty handed in that scenario.

I would've brough a present for the new baby and a wee thing for the toddler and probably a packet of biscuits/chocs/ flowers for you.

Don;t think it's unusal to bring small token when visiting - if I go for a playdate or coffee at a friends will always bring something.

If I go for dinner at a friends would take wine. I have a friend who comes to mine for dinner and doesn;t bring anything with her. That is a bit rude to me, so perhaps I do expect dinner guests to bring something!

2rebecca · 27/03/2009 21:22

If she's a real friend she wouldn't have minded. My kids are older now but anyone turning up at 5.30 unexpectedly wouldn't get anything to eat because that's not when we eat. I wouldn't mind the empty handed thing. I don't expect my friends to bring presents when they visit just because I've got kids. I take presents to friends I see rarely, but if its a frequently seen friend don't bother, most of us work and find sorting out presents a right palaver. I don't want the kids to think visitors= presents either. Surely friends come for your company and shouldn't have to pay for the privelege? They've usually come to see me after all, most single folk aren't that interested in their friends' children, which can be very refreshing. Someone who wants to have a proper conversation and not discuss baby stuff and kids television.
I don't usually do biscuits anyway.
I must admit as she'd prearranged the visit and had mentioned leaving at 8 after arriving at 5.30 I'm surprised you didn't tell her you'd be too busy to do dinner that early but you'd be happy to see her for a coffee and chat whilst you fed the sprogs so she knew what the situation was. You sound more disturbed by her lack of presents than pleased by her company. You don't sound as though you like her very much and now only want to socialise with people who have kids which is sad.

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