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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want the children to meet his new grilfriend

44 replies

Quadrophenia · 26/03/2009 18:18

ok so split with children's dad in october. he recently hooked up with a lady he met on the net and since has been fairly rubbish when it comes to seeing the kids (one friday evening in the last three weekends). Anyway in discussion he has suggested taking the children to meet his new girlfriend, i told him that as it is a farily new relationship i don't see who it would benefit at this time. the children are still dealing with our seperation and i feel it would be unadvisable to involve them in his love life. the thing is his new lady friend lives quite far so it comes down to either seeing his children or seeing her, i t would certainly make his life easier but at this juncture it shouldn't be about this...so am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Tamarto · 26/03/2009 18:49

How do you know that is what they'd see? You are making wild assumptions here.

Doodle - Where did i see his judgement supercedes the OPs?

Kiansmummy · 26/03/2009 18:49

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all as it would appear that your ex partner is very very wrapped up in this woman and seems to be putting his children on hold as if he is a teenager without any responsibilities.

I believe it is too soon for them to stay with this new woman as I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot and you were taking them to stay with a man who you had just met/started a relationship with then I am sure he would have enough to say.

At the end of the day although they are his children too he should try to work out a method with which you are both happy with.

A gradual introduction is usually best.

You are entitled to your feelings but may just need to take a step back if this relationship progresses.

Cathpot · 26/03/2009 18:49

She may well turn out to be the love of his life...eventually.

If she is she will still be around a year down the line. The children are equally not going anywhere. There is no rush to push things when the OP is still uncomfortable about it and the children might well be.

It is not unreasonable to want some time out for everyone while things settled down. The OP is not saying 'never' she is saying 'not yet' and I would feel exactly the same. The interests of the children are clearly not being served by rushing them into a new situation, and if they only see their dad occasionally they have a right to his full attention at an upsetting stage in their life.

Tamarto · 26/03/2009 18:51

She can feel like that all she likes. I did say she wasn't being U to feel like that.

She has no right what so ever to stop him however.

Doodle2U · 26/03/2009 18:52

".....she trusted him enough to have children with and also trusts him to have them overnight, she should trust his judgement too"

SuperSedes - my spelling error, sorry.

Cathpot · 26/03/2009 18:57

Tamarto, surely what actually matters here is not so much OP's upset or her exDP's love life but how the children who get no choice at all are going to feel. Long car trip to a strange house, with a strange woman all over THEIR dad, who they havent seen much of etc etc etc. OP is worried about how here kids would feel not her own feelings about the woman.

If the kids were on here saying 'AIBU to not want to be dragged half way across the country to see some new woman my dad is obsessed with when I am just getting over the split?' what would you say to them?

piscesmoon · 26/03/2009 19:02

I think that it is too early in the relationship and exP is handling it very badly and not in a way that is beneficial to the DCs, however if I was a new partner who met a man after he had left his partner I wouldn't be willing for the exP to look me over before I met the DCs.

Tamarto · 26/03/2009 19:05

There has been no mention that her DCs don't want to go though.

Or is this going to be another AIBU stealt thread.

bettany · 26/03/2009 19:08

yanbu. very insensitive of him.

Cathpot · 26/03/2009 19:39

Tamarto, not sure what you mean. The kids are young, its up to the parents to have to think through how new situations are going to affect them. They may not be saying they dont want to go, they may not have any idea what it would entail or how they will feel.

Piecesmoon- really? I think now I have kids of my own if I was about to meet kids of a new partner I wouldnt mind at all meeting their mother, particularly if as seems to be the case here, the new woman is not a factor in the split of the children's parents.

As long as the adults can stay civil why should it be a problem? If the kids are mostly with their mum, and a face to face is unpalatable or impractical, at the very least I would want some guidance on their normal routine etc,4 young kids coming to stay that you dont know, not going to be stress free. A phone call or an email? Why would that upset you?

piscesmoon · 26/03/2009 21:24

I once went out with a separated man, met after his DW had gone off with another man. I only met her once about 6 months after we had started going out, by chance. I had no objection to meeting her, but not to be vetted, he was the father and knew that I was suitable.

gingerwine · 26/03/2009 22:34

YANBU in my opinion. I split with my XH after he left to be with the OW (4 year affair). I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man less than a year later and fell head over heels in love. I still didn't introduce the children to him for nearly a year as I wanted to be really sure that this was a serious and long term relationship. There was no way I could risk putting the DCs through getting close to someone and then it no working out so soon after their dad had left.

Meanwhile XH introduced the OW very quickly of course but then he did always put his needs before the DCs needs.

I think your X is being selfish and thoughtless. I'm not sure you can do much to stop it though.

ChasingSquirrels · 26/03/2009 22:41

You can not want it to happen all you like - but in reality what can you actually DO? Probably v v little. Unfortunate fact of life in such a situation.

I DON'T want someone else parenting my children, I DON'T want to be separated from my ex, but as I wasn't given a choice in the later, and trying to enforce the former would undoubtedly haveto lead to the children not seeing their father, and the subsequent legal procedures which he would then no doubt (quite reasonably) pursue, I don't actually have any say in the matter.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/03/2009 22:55

YANBU - at all. He hardly knows her yet!

Tamarto - the kids are too young to know their own feelings on something like this. If they are missing their Dad then of course they may be keen to go in order to spend some time with him.

IMO an afternoon visit might be ok, but a weekend would not be. What kind of arse puts his need to get his leg over ahead of his own kids fgs. Knob.

Also, is the woman bonkers having 4 young kids she doesn't know come to stay with her?
Quad - does she have kids of her own?

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 27/03/2009 07:38

right spoke to him last night...he is now asking if he can introduce her to the kids tomorrow which is my twins birthday....they really don't need that on their birthday, it is their day...there just isn't a need surely...
I do not want to dictate to me ex I just wish he had the common sense to think these things through..my children still miss their dad and really are still very much in the turmoil that comes with seperation. It was my choice for the relationship to end as he was abusive so please do not think this is a case of me trying to get him back etc...I am much happier without him...Allie she has for children of her own, two grown up I think, he has already met hers, spent last weekend with them when he was supposed to be with his own...lied and told me he was working and then was caught out.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/03/2009 10:02

I think you are right to feel very uncomfortable. I would just say to him, they are not over the split in any way and that you think it's inappropriate.
The birthday idea is totally outrageous! It sounds like he's reeling in his new girlfriend with the 'look I'm such an amazing father, my ex-W is so unreasonable blah blah misunderstood blah blah'. All that shite that abusers do.

How are things arranged with you in terms of care? Surely if he is missing agreed time with them then he is forfieting his right to see them when he wants? I've no experience of it myself so I may be way off the mark.

ChippingIn · 27/03/2009 11:24

What Alibaba said.

It's too soon after the split for them to be seeing him with another woman, especially in her home. Especially when he barely knows her.

On the kids birthday's........FFS.... some men can be so dense.

fleurlechaunte · 27/03/2009 11:31

YANBU.

What is up with her as well? I would feel VERY uncomfortable meeting my new bloke's kids after I had only met him three times. They sound like a right pair of doughnuts.

Can't believe he wants to introduce on their birthday as well.

Sad thing is I am not sure how much you can do about it though except the birthday. Put your foot down firmly about that but afterwards what, realistically can you do? They are his kids too. I wouldn't like this at all though.

piscesmoon · 27/03/2009 16:36

I think that you need to have a calm talk to him, either on his own or with a family mediator. He is handling it all wrong. Although I went out with a separated man and there was no way that I would have allowed the exP to 'vet' me, I handled the whole thing with sensitivity. I didn't meet the DD to start with and then we had short bursts on neutral ground before she came to my house for short visits-she didn't stay the night ever. If she was staying with her father I went round for the evening but went home.
I think that you have to put the DCs first. As it was we broke up after a couple of years but I stayed in contact with the DD, having built up a relationship with her.It eventually fizzled out when I moved but I was happy that she wasn't hurt by the experience.
It is tricky because you need to get him to see sense without it getting unfriendly.

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