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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want one evening out per week?

26 replies

MummyCharli · 26/03/2009 17:13

I normally go out scrapbooking on a Thursady evenings. Alternate weeks at a ladys house where we pay to go and she helps us, and my Mums house. This week we are supposed to be at my Mums, but as our friend isn't coming Mum thought I'd like to go to the cinema instead. My partner has decided that Thursday nights aren't 'convenient' for him, and therefore thinks I should either get a babysitter, or stay at home!!!!
He has just left, and decided to spend the evening at his Dad's so that I have no choice but to stay in! He has made me and I feel like I am being treated like a slave.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 26/03/2009 17:15

If you regularly go out on Thursdays (which is fine, one night a week for yourself is reasonable) your DP is being very mean to decide unilaterally that you cannot go out tonight.

You must retaliate re-educate him!

Bathsheba · 26/03/2009 17:17

The dynamic of your family will be different to ever other family - so what you can and cannot expect will be different...

However do be prepared for a lot of "One night out a week...well I've not had a night out since 1998 and that was my wedding" etc etc etc.

only thing I will say, if its always been okay on a thruday up until now, why has your DH decided its now not okay..

AddictedtoCrunchies · 26/03/2009 17:17

YANBU. It should be fair.

I go out on a Monday night to netball training and DH goes out on a Friday to the pub. Saturday mornings he plays golf so I get up with the baby and Saturday afternoon I play netball. He then gets up with the baby on a Sunday so that I can sleep in a little.

If he's decided to go out tonight, then ask your mum if she can go tomorrow instead. Don't say anything and then once the baby's in bed tomorrow, just put your coat on and say 'byeee!' He'll have no choice then.

Good luck!

Original poster
MummyCharli · 26/03/2009 17:25

I know some people will have never had a night out since having children, so I know I am lucky in that respect. But he goes to the pub whenever he wants, his arguement was that he doesn't go every week, but that is his choice not because I don't let him. I have no idea why he has walked out this week, he has moaned about it before, but ultimately let me go so i don't know what was different today

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/03/2009 17:39

If you are willing to come and babysit (and dogsit) for us so we can have our first night out in 2 years then I might have some sympathy for you.

Lawks · 26/03/2009 17:44

Ignore the green eyed monsters. The point is not how often you go out, it is the fact that your husband is being an arse about it. If he has an issue with you going out he needs to talk to you and explain what his problem is, and then you can both come to an agreement. Just walking out so you can't go to something you had arranged is arseholic.

You need to talk to him.

It is not unreasonable to go out once a week. (I haven't been out for years, but would love to if I had the chance).

piscesmoon · 26/03/2009 17:46

I would get a family organiser and discuss having an arrangement where the first person to put their name down on that date has the evening out-therefore it would be your DPs responsibility to babysit.
If you haven't had a night out for 2 years, wotulookinat, either join a babysitting circle, start a babysitting circle, advertise for a babysitter or ask at your local 6th form or college.

dmo · 26/03/2009 17:46

as a marriage you need time together and apart.
i go salsa dancing on a monday
we all (dh, me and dc's) go swimming tues
boys go to scouts weds so dh and i go to pub then
dh goes to his friends on thursday (i catch up on iplayer)
weekends are family time

i would be if dh said i couldnt go out when i normally go out then bugger off to do something unimportant like visit his dad which he could do a different night

KathrynAustin · 26/03/2009 17:47

Isn't this all about team work and sharing the jobs?

DH and I both have nights out about once a month (wow!) and nights out together once every couple of months (even bigger wow!). I actually love my nights in alone as once the children are in bed I can wear dodgy old pjs, watch Holby City and eat the food DH hates.

There has to be some give and take otherwise everyone is miserable....

MillyR · 26/03/2009 17:47

YANBU

If he will not babysit, then pay for a babysitter.

It is irrelevant that he doesn't go out every week; you want to go out every week, and you should. There is nothing unreasonable about your request.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 26/03/2009 17:48

Where does his dad live? Drop the off there with him and his dad on your way to the cinema.

And no YANBU at all. I also rarely go out but it's because I live with a twat who moans everytime I do go out and it's not worth the hassle anymore.

But other posters should be looking to their dp/dh to look after the children/dogs so they can have some time to themselves. Something we are all entitled to imo.

Tamarto · 26/03/2009 17:48

wotulookinat - What has the fact that you haven't been out with your partner for 2 years got to do with the OPs situation?

OP YANBU - Is he often this immature?

Tamarto · 26/03/2009 17:50

He made the children with you i pressume? Therefore it's a bit tough shit if he no longer finds looking after his own children inconvenient. I find it inconvenient all the bloody time, i don't spit my dummy though, we did chose to have them after all.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 17:50

Think you need to talk and find the reasoning, there is NO reason that you should not go out 1 night a week at all, but maybe he fancied doing something on a Thursday too???

tbh I think I would be feeling so pissy about it I would do as addictedtocrunchies suggests and do the same to him tomorrow but that's not grown up and you'll end up in a tit for tat situation.

dh never worries about me going out some weeks I can go out twice in a week depending on what's on, then I might not go out for several weeks. But we always run it by each other first.

MillyR · 26/03/2009 17:51

Seashell do not give up! It is worth the hassle; everytime you decide not to try and go out it will get harder to do it the next time. Even if you have given up for the moment, please start building up resolve to try again.

Original poster
MummyCharli · 26/03/2009 17:52

LOL shesellsseashells! I would do that but his Dad lives the other side of town, I don't drive, and the boys have to be in bed at 7:30 as ds1 has school in the morning!

Tamarto - yes he can be, he seems to think that because I am a SAHM I can do what I want when I want during the day (because there is no housework/cooking etc to do) and also that I never need a break from the children because I chose to be at home with them!

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 26/03/2009 17:52

The point is, that one partner in a relationship is not entitled to all the free time/leisure time/hobbies. Both partners should get the same amount of free time, irrespective of whether or not one of them works outside the home and the other does not (working for a salary does not make you the owner of the partner who does the domestic work.)

MillyR · 26/03/2009 17:55

I would add to SGB's point that you are entitled to the same amount of leisure time, and if he decides not to use his because he'd rather stay in, that's not your problem: you can still go out.

MIAonline · 26/03/2009 17:58

I would be so annoyed, it is really disrespectful. You have a long standing arrangement and he has 'decided' that Thursday nights aren't good for him? Presumably it isn't to do with work or you would have said, in that case he is just being controlling and you should , if you can, get a babysitter as I think he is probably expecting you to play the martyr and stay in!
Am annoyed on your behalf.

piscesmoon · 26/03/2009 18:04

This is why I would get the family organiser-then if you put your name down first he can still go out, but it means that it is his responsibility to organise the babysitter.

Original poster
MummyCharli · 26/03/2009 18:13

He says it's because he has to get up at 6.30am for work on a Friday, whereas Fridays used to be his day off. Not that I can see the relevance at all, as there is nothing to stop him going to bed when the boys are asleep!

OP posts:
MIAonline · 26/03/2009 18:16

So you going out stops him from going to bed???? As you said there is nothing to stop him going to bed and he can go even earlier as you are not there so it makes it the perfect night to go out

TBH he sounds like a PITA, sorry!

solidgoldbrass · 26/03/2009 19:10

It does sound like he thinks you shouldn;t have a life, that you exist to service him and the DC. However, given that his shifts have just changed - are your DC really bad sleepers ie he will have trouble getting an early night if you are not there? Is he prepared to do the childcare on a different weeknight? I know that;s not ideal as your class is on Thursdays, but presumably his shift patterns will change back to what they were at some point.

solidgoldbrass · 26/03/2009 19:12

Whoops, hang on a minute: he objects to you going out on a Thursday because he wants an early night? But how does that work with the fact that he has gone out?
SOunds like he does have a problem and needs a bit of a talking to.

Original poster
MummyCharli · 26/03/2009 19:13

He doesn't do shift patterns so his hours won't change back, he transfered to a different department so his hours changed. The children sleep fine, they go to bed at 7.30, sometimes the 2 year old plays up, but never for long!

OP posts:
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